College: Love & Basketball (2nd Half)

"Don't even think about it.  Stop staring at your flaws in the mirror.  Stop pinching yourself everywhere you see that needs work, that no matter how hard you work out still doesn't look the way you want it to."

But I hate this feeling of fullness, not enjoying food, not enjoying ME in MY skin.  What if I like it.  What if this will help me.  What if this will make me feel better about myself.  What if this is the answers to all my problems. Maybe this is the relief I have been looking for to get all the pressure off all the expectations I put on myself. I'm just going to try just this ONCE and then I'll know to never to eat this much again.  Okay...just this once...

...And that one time turned in to the next 8 years of my life.  It almost felt like I was standing at the free throw line, sweat dripping down my face, breathing hard, heart pounding, knees trembling, and the game was on my shoulders.  If I made this free throw, we would win the game, not just the game, but the championship.  After making that shot, the weight that lifted off my mind and body was the same type of feeling I felt that night when my whole world changed.

Rewinding back a few months, junior year just started and life seemed pretty good at the time.  It was the first football season I got to watch my boyfriend play and wore a jersey his family gave me every game with pride. Other than football, it was basketball and school work and ready to see what junior year on the court had in store for me.

I know, Guilford tailgating looks pretty intense

Season got under way, things were going pretty well.  Practices got harder but I loved it.  I actually had to transition positions from high school where I was a 2, shooting guard to a 4, sometimes, 5 at Guilford (power forward).  Not only did I have to work harder but had to learn a whole new position with girls that were bigger, taller, stronger than me.  I wasn't going to let that get in the way of my success, I was destined to still beat them with my smaller frame.  I was having pretty good success at that being quicker but still wasn't living up to my standards.  It was tough getting pushed around and I was getting beyond frustrated with myself.

 One game I had to guard the team's best player who went on to be the ODAC Player of the Year (not pictured).  She was beating me left and right.  She was stronger than me, she was better than me, and she was guarding me as well.  I remember I went 2 for 8 at the free throw line because I let her get in my head.  We ended up losing the game and of course I put all the blame on me.  If only I was better.  That night was also a UNC vs Duke game (a little side note about myself, I bleed Carolina Blue).  My roommates and I had people over for the game and we just so happened to live right above some football guys so it was pretty convenient to all hang out.  I rarely drank during season but after my game earlier that afternoon, I didn't really care.  We had pizza and beer at the apartment and everyone was having a good time watching the game, except me.  Not only was I still bummed about my game, but it was the first time I felt SO much anxiety at once: pizza and beer, a lot of people, UNC basketball, button waist shorts on, walls were caving in fast.  I had deprived myself of pizza, fries, desserts, anything that was "bad" for me but I didn't want to look "uncool" and not eat, hell I was starving!  So, I was drinking beer which 1. holy bloating happening and 2. I ate a piece of pizza.  Ya'll, it was like I had never tasted pizza before.  It was so damn good.  So you know what, I had another one...and...another.  The game ended, UNC lost, I was full up to my neck, my shorts were tighter, and everyone else was carrying on with life as normal.  I was thinking to myself, how do people eat like this and not care?  What does that feel like?  What does normal feel like?  Because I am miserable.  Everyone wanted to go downstairs to the guys place to play beer pong and I just wanted to buy the first plane ticket out of there.  I looked at my boyfriend and said I was going to change because "I just didn't like my outfit anymore" and that I will meet everyone downstairs.  YES, it worked.  So there I was, alone in my apartment, staring at myself in the bathroom, lifting up my shirt, scrutinizing my stomach and waist and just could not believe what I just did.  How could I allow THREEEE pieces of pizza in my body?  Do you know how many calories, fat, carbs that is? AND beer?  You're fat, you're gonna be sluggish on the court now, you have no control, you're not supposed to eat like this, you know better.  People view you as a workout-aholic, shouldn't you just be eating lettuce?  Well, if we could direct our attention to the first paragraph I wrote, this is where it happened.  I was in the bathroom, shaming myself of the person I was for allowing food in my body and had to get rid of it, HAD TO.   And, IT happened, for the first time, and like I said before, that instant gratification of not feeling full was the feeling I had been yearning for.  I wasn't thinking about my game, my shorts, my body, I was thinking how empty I felt in side and I was hooked.  This was it.  It actually put me in a good mood because it was like an adrenaline rush you had control over.

The next day I had no regrets, I slid my hand down my stomach and it was actually flat because I'm sure I was dehydrated and my body never really got the nutrients it needed for dinner.  In my mind, that was a success.  So, it continued.  Any time I was feeling overwhelmed, frustrated with school, with bball, with my boyfriend, or just for the hell of it, I knew how to escape my life and feel relief from everything immediately.  Funny enough, I wasn't slipping on the court, it actually made me work even harder.  I would even do it right before practice and that spark of energy it would give me, knowing nothing was in my system to make me gain weight AND working out, would make me lose weight faster and play better.  It became the only thing I had control over.  I could control when I did it, how I did it, where I did it...it was a friend that was always there for me, that understood everything I was going through, thinking I was the ONLY person on this earth struggling with her place in life.  It started taking a toll on my relationship because it almost became my new boyfriend.  When we would fight, I would think everything was my fault because I wasn't good enough or when I had to make sure everyone still liked me even though I had a boyfriend, I had to make my rounds when we were out and say my hello's to everyone I knew thinking I was this "perfect little thing with tons of friends, no problems at all" and leave my boyfriend behind.  He would get mad and would never understand why.  It became a part of my daily routine and boy oh boy was I getting good at it.  I would never "take a day off" because you would never just take a day off from being someone's friend.  It just became a part of who I was but funny thing is, NEVER thought I had a problem.  NEVER diagnosed myself with having an eating disorder because my mind was so far in to it that it never saw it as a sickness but as a way of life.  It got as bad as doing it right before a game, how didn't I get caught?  Like I said, I was good.  Surprisingly I would have 20+ pt games when that happened.  It's beyond me how I didn't pass out during a game or practice or working out.  A part of me thinks that God kept me going so I could be sitting here today sharing my story to let ya'll know, it hasn't been all sunshine and rainbows.

Carolina meets Indiana '08

 This was the mask that would stay on for awhile.  It gave my confidence, power, and purpose every day.  Baggy gym clothes became my attire every day so I didn't have to face what my body actually looked like underneath clothes but also, to play up my identity of being an athlete and nothing more.  I would dress up only if I were going out on a weekend and even then, never anything to show off my shape but I did loveeee a good high heel outside of Nike's.  SO, I ended  junior year season making First Team All-ODAC, 4th in conference in scoring, and received the highest athletic award at Guilford, the Nereus C. English Leadership Athletic Award. My dad would say how proud he was of me and even got my number (33) sewn in his GC Women's Basketball hat.  That gave me life.  Well, you would think I would have so much guilt on my mind with what I was doing behind doors, but I didn't.  I was happy I found something that only I knew about, a secret that no one knew how I kept on a happy face all of the time, a secret that led me to make people believe I was happy.

Skipping right in to SENIOR YEAR, nothing changed with my secret other than it got worse or "better" in my mind.  It was my last year of college and wanted to go out with a bang.  Other than sophomore year, this was probably the funnest year of playing.  My hometown friends would surprise me on a few occasions with coming to games, one of my best friends from CCU came, my blonde bombshell in crime from Indiana came, family from PA, my parents always in the stand home/away games, and I really did make some of the greatest friends through my teammates.  Ya'll may think, geez did this girl do anything else besides basketball in college?  Well sure, but nothing compared to the feeling I would have after a game or practice or a work out when I was drenched in sweat.  I didn't know what a day was like without sweating.  It was a high I would never come off of, on top of having "IT" to always turn to.  I was in a cycle that no one could break.  One major heart break that happened senior year was that my boyfriend was an early graduate and would go back to Florida in December.  Sadly, I thought I was going to be fine because I had my "other boyfriend" that would always be there for me.  Sure it sucked, he was my first LOVE, but its like my priority list took a maaaajor turn in how I was living my life.  We decided to take a break because where he was in life and where I was just wasn't the same.  I was a perfectionist and could never be the perfect girlfriend he was looking for.  I then paid all my attention to basketball and my body.  I would have fun when I could but then torture myself the next day with eating disorder behaviors or work out until I was numb.  Season was coming to an end and it was like my identity was coming to an end.  I was so used to being the athlete that I didn't know what I wanted to do or be when I graduated.  I had an internship at the Fort Myers Miracle Minor League Baseball Team one summer but didn't really want to go in to sports but thought I could just think about it later, I had more games to tend to.

 It was Senior Day, the game I had been dreading knowing it was coming to an end, but also a game that could take me over the 1,000 point marker.  I had so much anxiety before the game I quickly "got rid of it" and was ready to go.  The amount of pressure and the unsaid expectations I put on myself was waiting for this moment, to hit a marker I had set for myself my sophomore year.  And my friends, it happened.  I hit 1,000 points off an "And 1" and it was one of the most unforgettable moments of my life.  My dad actually got a picture of the shot that went in and for once in my life, I actually was proud of myself for hitting that goal.  We ended up winning my senior day game and celebrated with my hometown friends and college friends at a hotel near by that my parents set up for us.  Still to this day, one of the best days of my life.  I ended my senior year/college basketball career with 1,021 points, 5th in conference in scoring, First Team-All ODAC again, Guilford College Female Athlete of the Year and played in the ODAC vs USA South All-Star Game.  My parents traveled over 9,000 miles over the 3 years and never missed a game.  The team and I joked that we couldn't start a game until The Croner's were in the stands.  And OMG, I'm forever lucky to have parents like mine.  

Hometown gang

Momma and Poppa Croner

Roomies <3

Of course I have to be the negative nancy and make sure ya'll dont think I am gloating, but I honestly never really appreciated my credentials until now.  I would scrug them off because I still didn't think they were up to par for me or that my mind only thought about food and my E.D.  I didn't help my team get a ring, I was 5th not 1st, I was GC's Female Athlete of the Year but not the ODAC's, I never got to the All-American level.  I am kicking myself in the ass right now because now that I have a MUCH clearer mindset than I did then, I can say I am pretty freakin' proud of myself for what I did during my time there.  Yes, I was damaging my body more than I ever knew but I am now appreciating my college experience exactly for what it was worth... which was priceless.

After all the basketball hype, I still played pick up with the team until the last day of college.  I just didn't want to hang the Nike's up just yet, and neither did my eating disorder.  Graduation was coming and still didn't have a clear sense of what I wanted to do because I didn't really know who I was.  It all became clear real fast that SHIT, I'm about to go into the real world where there are no practices, no games, no time to spend hours in the gym.  My "inside best friend" became more present more times a day to try and relieve the stress I was putting myself under and it finally came...the day the world got real.  Who was I without that #33 jersey on?

The Real World comes next, and no, it's nothing that MTV prepared us for.

*This one was painful yet reliving at the same time to type, all these post are actually theraputic as I can get this all off my chest, finally.  BUT, I just want to give a shoutout to my teammates, my coach, my then boyfriend, all my friends that came to see me and family, my parents, my friends at GC, for being a part of my journey.  I'm sorry if this brings hurt to any of ya'll but know that I am in a much better place today as I continue to work on my recovery.  Could not ask for a better college experience with the people I had around me.*

"When we deny the story, it defines us.  When we own the story, we can write a brave new ending"

- Brene Brown

See ya out there,

TLC