College: Love & Basketball (1st Half)

TO 

So, it was extremely hard posting a picture of me in a bathing suit much less it being when I was probably at my lowest weight, but also that the little demon inside me started wishing I still had that body, the body when I was eating about three apples a day and maybe a bite or two of a protein bar on top of working out. Gah, my stomach was actually pretty flat then, you could see my shoulder bones, hip bones, ribs, etc. I did have the body I always wanted. Then I thought, was I reallllly happy then?  Did I enjoy not tasting any food and depriving myself of everything that was good.  Did I really even notice my body when I was X pounds?  The answer is no.  I still only saw flaws.  I would ONLY lay down on the beach, never having the confidence to walk around and have fun with everyone else, to still cover up in a blanket pretending I'm cold sitting on a couch or in a group setting, anything I could get my hands on to cover up my body.  I cannot say that is completely not the case today, but I am slooowly starting to appreciate my body for what it looks like now, in its healthy frame, as opposed to then, and to thank it for serving its purposes it does on a daily basis.  So anyone looking back at pictures of themselves during a "different body" time, just ask yourself, were you really happy then? 

Ooookie dokie, moving on.  So I started my college career at Coastal Carolina University in Conway, SC.  For those who are not familiar with the school, it is basically a hop, skip, and a jump from Myrtle Beach.  College AND the beach?  What more could a student want right out of high school.  It wasn't as easy of a decision as it seemed.  Remember those laced up Nike's?  Well, I thought I was ready to explore the world outside of sports that I was always in, no matter the season, and trade in basketball practice to practicing my tan.  Sure I would miss the write ups in the paper, seeing my parents in the stands cheering on the team, the attention and confidence it gave me from external sources thinking I was actually doing something right with my life.  Maybe I was ready to give it a rest so I would stop being so hard on myself for never thinking I was good enough because I wasn't 100% from the floor, maybe if I went to college at the beach, I could get the body I have always wanted.  So, after lingering thought, I decided the beach was calling my name and had to let the college recruits know that I was no longer interested in pursuing a college basketball career.

CCU KNOW!

I got to Coastal and of course my first "classroom" I had to find was the gym because I didn't have sports to keep me in shape, still loved to workout, and knew I had to be "bathing suit" ready at all times (some may question why I would think going to the beach would help any internal pain I was dealing with but it was almost to the point where pain was actually comfort).  This is where I would spend my time if I wasn't in class or doing homework or okay, going to Club Kryptonite for College Night.  I started working out in sweatshirts, still wearing all my old basketball clothes, hanging on to that inner athlete I said goodbye to, never recycled the black Nike crew socks and quickly became known as "the girl in the black socks."  I loved it, I still had the presence of an athlete but also the freedom to do what I wanted, when I wanted.  Well that love only lasted a month or two until it turned into hate.  I started to REALLY, REALLY miss basketball and the structure it gave me in my life and dare I say, attention.  Intramurals just wasn't doing it for me and almost even made it worse knowing I COULD have been a collegiate athlete.  This is when I just started hating myself and the decision I had made, crying my eyes out in my dorm room thinking my life was over, thinking I was a failure and let my family down for not sticking with my passion of basketball, missing the confidence it gave me and the outside praise it gave me because I didn't know how to praise myself for the person I was.  So, instead of continuing to torture myself internally, my family and I started to reach back out to some of the recruits that had seen me play to see if ANYONE would still be interested.  Of course, there was a lot of, ha NO's, but God finally shed some light and  I received a phone call from the head coach at Guilford College saying they were still interested in having me come play.  That phone call was the prayer I wanted to come true so badly, and it did, and I did not let it slip away this time.  

After saying my goodbyes to some really great friends I made at Coastal, and some that are still a HUGE part of my life today, I was on the road to Greensboro, NC to enroll at Guilford College as a Sophomore and play on the women's basketball team.  Of course my favorite little friend that lived inside me had to put in its two cents.  So I started thinking, did a part of me leave to escape finding out who I was off the court?  Is everyone expecting me to be a good player like I was in high school?  Get back the "great game, Tracey" "awesome job" "way to play tough out there" confidence boosters?  Sure, because that means I could avoid finding what those core negative issues were all about for a few more years, I could mask everything I was thinking on the inside. (boy oh boy, if the Me now could give a friendly "wake up" slap to the face to Me then).  I got out of my head and got back to be so freakin' excited to get back on the court!!  SO, I got situated at Guilford, met my new teammates, met some of the guys team and other athletes, and everything just felt right.  Granted I knew my meal plan had to change as I was quickly told I needed to put on a few pounds and it was at a point I would do anything to continue to play.  I met with a nutritionist and she helped me get back on the right track and will forever thank my coach for that.  However, as pre-season was underway on top of eating more, I never thought just a few workouts and pick up games were enough.  I would head straight for the weight room and get on the treadmill bike, or elliptical and continue to work out until I felt like I sweated enough to actually put food in my body and let it digest without thinking it would turn to strictly fat.  This became my routine.  My coach did catch me one time in our weight room on the treadmill on our day off and turned off the treadmill and told me to go back to my room.  You would think that would scare the hell out of me but my mind out ruled everyone, including the person who took a chance in bringing me in to play.  Yes my teammates thought I was crazy and how could I possibly want to work out more but it was just ingrained in me to push myself past my limits, I loved working hard, just didn't know when too much was...too much.  It got to the point where it was all about what my body looked like and the high expectations I put on myself to be the best, to have the fit/toned body an athlete should have now that I'm at the college level.  My arms were going to be exposed obviously in my practice and game jersey so I wanted to make sure they looked good enough, "athletic" enough, as well as my quads and calves.  If any on-lookers were watching in pre-season, guys team waiting to play next, I would think to myself they were looking at ME, judging me, was I good, I was the "newbie" so I had to be good, I couldn't mess up, I had to make my parents and friends proud, I might as well go hard every chance I got in the gym or during a pick up game to prove to everyone and myself I was good enough to be here. (even right now, as I'm typing, my inner voice is saying, please don't think I'm conceded, gah I sound so full of myself in thinking it was all about me all the time, but, this is MY story and unfortunately, just how my mind worked)

 My kind of sorority

Season started and I was so pumped.  Finally, what I have been waiting for.  After the first week or so of two-a-days I was second guessing my decision of working out so hard on top of pre-season drills.  I was dying, but I couldn't let any one see, people knew how much I was working out so how could I possibly be breathing hard?  Well this thing called nutrition was probably pretty important.  Coach would ask me if I was feeling okay, drank enough water, ate enough before practice, of course my answer was always yes.  It took every ounce of energy to keep going because when I got on the court, I was happy and would go 0 to 100 real quick (thank you, Drake).  I couldn't fail at this.  I was supposed to be a good basketball player and that is what I would be and nothing would stop me.  Our first games started and ya'll, it was awful.  It's like I had never played before.  I couldn't catch the ball, I couldn't make a lay up, everything I worked so hard for was sinking like the Titanic.  What was happening?  Was I putting SO much pressure on myself to be this stand out player after taking a year off, expecting the same if not better player from high school.  I was so far into my head every game that it led me to earning a spot on the bench for the first time in my life instead of starting.  I paid so much more attention to my body and how I appeared to everyone else instead of really focusing on being a collegiate athlete and playing a game I absolutely loved.  I would tell myself I did fail.  I failed myself, I failed my family, I failed my teammates, coach, friends, everyone because I was so wrapped up in what other people were thinking of me (and who's to say any one gave two shits about what I was doing?!?) and I walked around paranoid everywhere thinking everyone was staring and pointing at the transfer who failed.


I tried hiding those thoughts and feelings during practice because practice is where I could prove to myself, my team, and my coach that I WAS good enough to get back into a starting position.  Then it finally happened, the game that changed my college career for the next three years.  I came off the bench soon after the game started and you would've thought my ass was on fire as hard and fast as I was playing.  Something went OFF in my mind and I had one of the best games of my college career.  I was making shots, made good assist, dove for lose balls, grabbed rebounds.  The newspaper back in my hometown got word and wrote an article on my game, and it happened, I got the confidence back that I was missing and reaffirming myself that I was doing something right.  But need I remind you, all it took was an external source to notice me to make me notice myself.  Why couldn't I do this on my own?  Why did I have to wait for compliments to come for me to start believing in myself?  My parents didn't miss a game, home/away, seeing them back in the stands cheering us on, that didn't wash away all the negative thoughts?  Remember when I started hating myself when I got to Coastal?  Yea, that hate was still very much present even though I did what I thought would make me happy, to play basketball again.  I kind of just shrugged those feelings off and kept this "high" of coming off a great game.  That game led me back into the starting position, averaged double figures by season end, a 90.2% season record from the free throw line, and spots on NC All-State Team and Second Team All-Conference for the ODAC.  What started out as a horrific season, ended with me absolutely loving where I was at in life and made the transfer well worth it.  Now don't think my workouts stopped afterwards.  I was right back in the gym the day after our last game, back to still sweating my ass off (which in a weird way I do thoroughly still enjoy? lol not sure I should admit that in public, *cough* okay continue), playing a pick up game whenever I could, because in my mind I had to keep up this mentality of always working hard and never settling for the player I was.  If I wasn't working out or working on my game I thought it would look like I was lazy, that I didn't care about getting better.  I could always get better.  My love for working out started to become love for the wrong reasons, but I couldn't stop.  So I played and worked out, played and worked out, didn't really get the "college experience" outside of playing a sport...that is until Spring Break happened.

Don't be scared ya'll.

I made some awesome friends outside of basketball and they invited me on Spring Break to none other than....PANAMA CITY BEACH, BABY!  I was stoked but also scared out of my damn mind.  The beach?!  With this body?  I had gained weight since Coastal and for season and in my mind, couldn't I just lose the weight I had gained during season and just put it back on after summer?  Sure, Trace, because that just seemed like a brilliant idea!!  So the work outs picked up and meals started to lessen.  We got to Panama City Beach and all seemed right in the world.  I had lost a few pounds, I was with friends experiencing what a college Spring Break was like, annnnd not to mention some of the football team was down there as well.  I was ready to let lose finally after a grueling season and dare I say have FUN?, and I may or may not have had a little (lot) of liquid courage in me as well.  

I finally let my guard down a little bit and was dancing, laughing, drinking, being a college student, and I started chatting with one of the guys, who was the quarterback I had noticed before, but again as we have learned the tremendous amount of self confidence I had, never thought I would ever have a chance with.  We actually ended up hitting it off and continued to talk and hang out when we all got back to school. We went to parties together, hung out after classes, went on trips to football guys beach house.  So this is what it's like for someone other than my parents and friends to care about me?  Wow, maybe I had been missing out.  He finally asked me to be his girlfriend while me, my best friend from home, and him were driving in his truck and I answered with a casual, YEA!  So there I was, a girlfriend.  A girlfriend to a guy who I never thought noticed me, a girlfriend that didn't like who she was but someone else did, a girlfriend that would have to be perfect for dating a football player as well as being a basketball player.  A girlfriend who... wait... how do I be a girlfriend?!?!  I started getting more attention, people teasing me "of courseeeee you're dating the quarterback" not really knowing what that meant, was I missing something?  So in my mind I was like well damn, I better step up my game then since people expect a lot out of me! (again with me planting all these stories in other peoples heads)  I started going out more, dressing up more, I almost felt like I was two different people.  I was Tracey the basketball player and Tracey the girlfriend who wanted to try so hard at being the best girlfriend because I didn't want my boyfriend to say "that's her" and get any eye rolls or disgusted looks.  Granted, it wasn't all about being HIS, the QBs, girlfriend.  We had an amazing one-on-one relationship, someone who I connected with on a whole new level, someone who you will see later that knew me pretty much more than I knew myself.  He knew I wasn't used to having someone there, messing up here and there, but he reminded me to just be myself and THAT is why he liked me but as funny as it sounds, I didn't know how to do that.  Was being myself acceptable, worthy enough to actually be someone outside of gym shorts and over size t-shirts.  It is crazy what your mind can tell you and to tell you enough that you start to believe it.  The end of my sophomore year was coming to an end and as I looked back, it was something I should have been sooooo proud of with all the accomplishments I had made on the court my first year back, my teammates that turned to sisters, new friends, and a boyfriend that treated me like gold.  But why was that still not enough to like who I saw in the mirror?  Why did I continue to pinch every ounce of skin/fat that was on my body and dissect every little thing that I thought was wrong with me.  Everything outside of my body seemed to be going well, basketball, fitness, boyfriend, staying in Greensboro for the summer with friends.  I started second guessing why "good" was happening to me because I felt like I didn't deserve "good"....this led to trouble.

      

With how much negative self talk I had and taking a trip back down freshman and sophomore lane,  I'm going to have to call this halftime.  Second half I'll finish out my college basketball career, what happened with Mr. Right, and what it felt like for the first time...to do something I would NEVER, EVER, imagine myself to do.

Get some water, towel off, see you back after half. 

(your name here), be awesome today.

TLC