Practice Postponed - Pep Talk

Well, this is a prime example of what it is like living in the moment and me keeping it real. (I feel like I should throw up a peace sign and have duck lips when I say that, please tell me you know what I'm trying to envision here. eek).  I found a comfy spot outside a local coffee shop, alllll excited to relive college.  I started typing a few sentences...and you know what, instead of going straight to 'jump ball', center court, I decided I needed a warm-up and I just wasn't really feelin' it, the topic at hand that is.  Something was weighing heavier on my chest than that.  So, I'm sorry if whoever is reading this did indeed come with their Nike's laced up and ice bath ready and wondering how it was like for me being a collegiate athlete with an E.D and might I add transferring schools, being a girlfriend and falling in love for the first time, and trying to figuring out who I was outside of 'Tracey, the basketball player/fashionista' because instead of following my "to-do" list and my timeline of post I have already mapped out, I am going the opposite direction (strong gasp) and NOT following it.  I think my therapist in Denver will possibly do a karate kick, fist pump, and shout out a "FINALLY" to me breaking my own rules.

So, what am I going to talk about?  (and I promise, before you start reading, I am NOT going to have constant Oscar accepting speeches in every post, but this is just so new for me and had to share this feeling) I honestly did not know what emotional toll of my sharing would have on my mind, body, and spirit (all in a good way).  The next day I think I felt an emotional hangover, numb, because never in my wildest dreams would I ever think 1.  I would tell the world what I was going through, let alone a few friends and 2.  this would have the response it did.  How could something so personal. so intimate, so 'gross', so ABSOLUTELY SCARY have such a positive impact on my soul?  Having that said, you know a girl has to have a mushy, gushy, sappy moment for a hot sec because...OMG ya'll!  The amount of support, love, encouragement, motivation I received from all outlets was so incredibly breath-taking.  I know this all may sound so cliche and 'yea okay, just get on with it' but I seriously wanted to take a moment to say thank you.  Well, thank you doesn't even begin to express the feelings and emotions I felt after reading so many heart-felt responses and personal messages from people I do not know from Adam, to those I haven't spoke to in years, to those I see every day.  It took me a very long time that morning to finally hit the post button because all my negative self talk was getting the best of me.  "Tracey, what do you think you're doing?  Who do you think you are? You really want to show this side of you that some people may hate, despise, reject, judge?  You don't have the confidence, the bravery, the courage to do this, you are just another eating disorder that no one cares about because why would any one take the time out of their day to read about little ol you?  That's just selfish, conceded, being so full of yourself.  You can't do this, you won't do this."  Any of this sound familiar?  Welcome to my mind.  But then I realized, it was that little BIATCH inside me getting in my head again, making me loath who I am and where I am in life, "shoulding" myself into thinking I wasn't even good enough, worthy enough to tell my own story, because IT has already taken over and THAT is who I am and who I will be.  That I'll never have the guts to take that leap of faith in to the world of authenticity and letting my mask down because no one would like me or accept me.  I SHOULD have a career by now, I SHOULD have a boyfriend or possibly a husband, I SHOULD know who I am and what I want out of life, I SHOULD know what it is like to love and to be loved because who would ever want me now with all the baggage I have created for myself?  Anybody else want to bitch slap the hell out of this thing by now?  Well, I did, hard.  I took a deep breath, swallowed every negative thought I was having and just hit publish.  That moment changed my life. Did I really just do that?  I felt like not only did I just finally, finalllllllly, prove to myself that I am strong, that I am brave, that I do have the guts, that I am courageous, but that I AM better than my eating disorder and that it does NOT define the person I am today! GEEEEEZ now I am getting all worked up, I feel like "Eye of the Tiger" should be playing in the background right now.  So anyways, just wanted to say thank you.  Thank you for letting me share and not regret it, to know that I can and will do this.  Thank you for taking the 5 or so minutes out of your day to read my last post and make me feel like I AM worthy, people DO care, and this WILL help change lives.

On a side note, I received questions on how frequently I plan on posting and here is my honest answer.  I don't know.  With something that has been such a HUGE part of my life, personally, physically, emotionally, mentally, it does get hard bringing up past triggers and events and opening myself up like a book. I do not want to push myself too much to where something I am doing to help me stay in recovery becomes a stresser (is that a word? sure.) or burden in my life.  I never want it to get to the point of, OMG I HAVE TO POST TODAY, OMG let me rush this personal scenario just to get something out there, to becoming the blog and not a person, and have it lose all true meaning to who I am and why I am doing this.  I have learned life is all about a little thing called, balance and I'm happy that I found a clean slate where I can just start typing and post whenever I please, simple as that.  The next few post will be a blast from the past but stay with me, I thought it was very important for ya'll to get a foundation of what it took for get me to get to where I am today.  I just wanted to get allllllll of this off my chest, and omg does it feel good, and give you a short time line of what's going on with this girl right churrrrr.  

I do want to leave you with this:  To those that may fear rejection, fear judgement, thinking there will never be any possible way to get out of the funk you may be in, just close your eyes, breathe, and listen.  Do not be afraid to show who you truly are.  Do not let fear get in the way of telling your own story and how you live in it every day.  You are beautiful.  You are important.  You are strong.  You are worthy to be standing on this very ground, breathing in this fresh air that we call life, being the best version of YOUrself.  You have a choice, every second of every day, to decide how you are going to live in the next present moment.  Choose wisely.

Practicing what I preach, I choose using this moment to show me, a comfortable, first selfie, no filter, no make up, sweaty hair, present, me, because it is something I have feared, something I feel will be judged, WELP...

  

'Ello!

And did I just get caught taking this selfie, making a weird face, pretending like I'm not really taking a picture....

WHY YES, YES I DID.

*I have to give a quick and personal shout out to my family, who are my rock - My dad, mom, my two brothers, and future sister-in-law for the biggest support of all for standing by my side as I let the world see me.  This has not been an easy road for them and can only imagine the hurt/pain/disappointment I have caused with past decisions, on top of our family going through a few traumatic events, but nothing will or ever tear us a part but only make us stronger.  As a family, I can honestly say I would not be here today, able to do what I am doing, without them.  So mom, dad, Scott, Keith, Rachel, thank you.  I am so fortunate to have such amazing people to turn to for every day strength and guidance to help me/us get by everyday.  I love you.

Stretch it out and bring your Nike's back.  GC's coming up.

TLC