The Past That Will Not Define Me

Okay, having a very motivational moment as I'm sitting in Starbucks wanting to get up and start dancing like a back up singer as R. Kelly's "I'm the world's greatest" just came on Spotify.  If you ever need a pick me up or just want to listen to a "feel good song", I highly recommend listening to that.  You'll thank me later.  Allllrighty, SO, I'm not going to bore you with evvvvery single detail that I have been through for the last six years of being out of college (had to swallow hard there thinking it has been six years, goood lawd) but I do want to explain the past years of how I got to Charlotte and most importantly, how I got to the point where I finally threw up my hands and yelled, HELP.  The world got real pretty fast.

Aw gee, thanks, Ryan!  Sooooo, yea, I graduated.  I still didn't really know what I wanted to do or what to make my career out of, when in my mind I thought you were supposed to have this all together the moment you step out of college.  I knew I wanted to be around people, entertain people, not sit a desk, but quite frankly, I didn't really know what jobs entailed those qualities, and more importantly, didn't even know how to just be by myself without having to display it on the court.  Okay, I wasn't this awkward girl that when you throw me in a public situation I would just stand there hoping someone waves back, but I just didn't know what else I was good at nor what a career looked like. I always had to be around action and activity to make sure I wasn't missing out on anything.  I have a bad case of this little thing I like to call, FOMO (fear of missing out), we all know it, we all feel it, we all want to "be in the know at all times", or at least I did (eek, ok DO).  I was so used to not necessarily being in the spotlight but knowing people around me, knowing the in's and out's around town, but who's going to know me now that I am not on the court, not #33, not his girlfriend, who IS this Tracey girl?

Folks, I've tried it "all", and by all, I mean having 6 jobs in the past 6 years and yes, I am kind of embarrassed to say that, BUT who's to blame a girl that's just trying to figure out what she likes?  I'm sure there may be people out there with more or less jobs than that BUT I was FREAKING OUT.  All of my friends had a clear vision of where they wanted to go, what they wanted to do, and I just wanted to keep the college party going because that is what I knew and I was scared to know anything else.  I was lost.  SO, my first attempt at this real world thing was a move to Florida to take a job in the Resort Tourism/Hospitality industry.  You may put two and two together from the last post and think, waaaait a tic, wasn't your college boyfriend from Florida?  Good, you're catching on.  Yes, yes he was and yes, I moved to where he was from and we actually tried to make it work for a few months.  Not sure if any readers out there are like, 'yea we know how that goes when you move for a boy'.  Unfortunately, we did not work out even though we wanted to and got to the point we were forcing it, but I do not have any regrets in giving it a try and for what I learned while I was there.  He could see right through me, he knew exactly what I was trying to do, to hold on to the external praises to remind me I'm doing somewhat of the right thing.  We would go out but instead of paying him attention, I wanted to get other attention from folks to start knowing more people in my new home so I won't feel alone and that I look like I am loving life and having a good time.  On the outside, you would think I loved living down in Florida, on the inside, I was homesick, I was empty, I didn't know what I was doing, I couldn't be by myself, and he could see that.  I am not blaming myself entirely for our relationship as we both had our faults but now looking back, I don't blame him for getting frustrated with me when I didn't want to stay in on the weekends, I had to be out and about to again, make it look like I was in a good place and expectations I had on myself to make a name for myself, because that's what we're supposed to do, right?  Take everything we learned from college and put it towards real world decision making and impress everyone that hey, maybe she does know more than how to box out and shoot a free throw.  So even though my relationship didn't work, I still had my eating disorder to always depend on for when I needed a release from the stress and anxiety of life after college and a job that I didn't really like BUT it got me in front of people.  It seemed good to say that I worked at this gorgeous resort, right on the Gulf of Mexico, but I was looking for something bigger, something better, because I always had to be bigger and better in college for people to notice me.

Had the privilege of helping coach this VERY special team of young ladies the past two basketball seasons.  BEST of luck to each of them as they try out for their school teams this year. xoxo - Coach T

After I gave Florida a try, I packed up my jeep and moved to Atlanta to get back in the sports industry because maybe that IS what I would enjoy, being around people who loved sports and athletics, and maybe that's what I am expected to do?  That was my problem, I was not only looking for jobs that I might like but what would sound cool to say I'm doing and what outsiders may expect me to be doing.  Everyone knew me as an athlete from high school through college and I didn't want to lose that image because I still believed I was one, I was still killing myself in the gym every day as if I was training for the Olympics. (every cardio machine in the gym then lift then ABS, maybe a spin class or cardio strength class, then do two a days here and there - that was basically my routine when you read "working out") If everyone knew me as an athlete, I am working in the sports industry, I need to keep up my athletic body image and couldn't rely on practice and games to do that anymore.  I wanted people to look at me and know that I worked out, that I had a good body, that I must take greatttt care of myself and then when I say I work in sports, that would look even cooler, and maybe even impress dare I say, a guy?  Well this quickly turned in to something I HATED.  It was exactly what I did not want to do.  Sit in a cubicle and make cold calls trying to sell different types of seats for football and men's basketball at a popular college in the area.  It was the first time I had to ever read from a script, get hung up on, sit all.day.long., and was monitored with everything I did.  I was there for about 9 months until I could not take it anymore.  After sitting all day, I would think in my head, okay well if I am sitting all day that means I am not burning any calories, on top of eating lunch which is turning directly in to fat, so I need to work out twice as hard because I am barely being mobile throughout the day.  My eating disorder pretty much drove me at that job.  Hang on Trace, just one more hour until you get home, do what you gotta do, then go work out.  AND, if you have never been to Atlanta, let me tell you what, there are some damn good looking people there.  SO of course I had to keep up with that as well.  So not only did I hate my job, I wasn't doing anything I enjoyed, I was living through "others expectations" that I planted in their heads, and couldn't keep anything in my body other than liquids, and I had the WORST self-confidence.  Still to this day, but not assss bad, I would/will walk in to a bar or wherever and as soon as I see someone who I think is prettier, skinnier, better dressed than me, my shoulders will immediately slump down and lose all positive thoughts in thinking I looked somewhat good when I walked out of my apartment door.  I was back on my hamster wheel of just working, working out, eating disorder behaviors, being so depressed I wouldn't want to leave my room, and shaming myself for still not having a career or at least an idea of what I see myself doing.  What was REALLY frustrating me and instead of really "being there" at a job mentally, all I could think of all day is why ALL of my working out didn't change my body?  Now looking back I knew exactly why, but that's neither here nor there, working out for hours, not eating properly, definitely burning more than I was keeping in my body, because my muscles were so over trained at this point they couldn't change, I had plateaued.  I wasn't giving them the nutrients they needed and never gave them a break.  I didn't believe in breaks or "days off".  If I didn't sweat in a day, I would think I would automatically gain 10 pounds over night.  UGHHH I just get so mad typing this because now that I have such a clearer mindset it is so obvious!  Of course I would never achieve "my perfect body" because I put it through its own torture chamber. (and that continued until earlier this year)

So, what did I do next?  Looked for the next bigger and better thing.  Well, Tracey, where to next, how about giving Charlotte a try and being closer to home?  Maybe that will help get you back on track?  Sure, let's do that.  So, I finally expressed something I have ALWAYS been so interested in just never really pursued it because again "I was an athlete and had to keep up the sporty image" but I LOVE fashion, ya'll.  Besides the awkward phase in middle school where I thought Adidas, Umbro, and Nike were the only brands known to man and the shorter the hair the better (I will spare ya'll a picture of that time, trust me on this one), I LOVED getting dressed up when I could.  Of course it would still be lose fitting and nothing ever tight against my skin, but I thought I had an okay sense of style.  So I found a job in fashion that brought me to Charlotte, said DEUCES to Atlanta and was on my merry way to the Queen City.  In my mind I was thinking this was it, I am going to be closer to home, I am getting in to something I love, I know a lot of people in Charlotte, this will help my eating disorder go away, all will be right.  Well, let's just say since I have been in Charlotte, out of those 6 jobs, 4 have happened here.  

Lobby of my first fashion job in CLT

The job had me sitting again ALL DAY LONG, stressful work that caused me more anxiety than ever, what was I doing to myself?  All because it "sounded cool to get in to fashion", it was not the department of fashion I wanted, I just said yes to get me out of the current situation I was in (because that's exactly why you should accept a job?).  It was all customer service over the phone and was not even around clothes or helping girls look and feel like rock stars when they would put on an outfit.  So after a few months, I THOUGHT I hit rock bottom (until later you will see), I would cry to mom every morning on the phone on the way to work, my eating disorder was getting so bad that honestly, I can't even remember some days at work or even some workouts that I was so outside of my mind and body that all I could think about is where can I get to the nearest bathroom.  My life was falling, and it was falling fast.  I am on my third job, in my third city, barely 2 years after college.  This CAN'T be normal.  I am failing all expectations "everyone" had on me and failing myself.  My family was probably thinking what the hell have we created with some of the things I would say about myself, and when I would look at my brother thinking he had it all.  He had a stable job, got his CPA, making good money, and here I was, what I thought "the disappointment" of the family because I just couldn't get my act together.  BUT again, I could always depend on my E.D. to escape all those negative feelings with how empty physically and mentally I would feel after purging (literally and through working out) and keep moving on. 

You could probably guess what happened next, yup, okay where to next?  Well, I can honestly say God was on my side with this one because one day a message from Him came in the form of a facebook posting about a boutique coming to Charlotte that I have grown to LOVE.  Long story short, I would go on to be Manager at this boutique and help it get off the ground.  Maybe this will give me the confidence I'm missing and sense of accomplishment by running this store and building it's name throughout the city.  I got to play dress up every day, help plan and host fashion shows, help with in-store events, and even go on a buying trip to L.A.  I was happy.

*mic drop*

 It gave me life again and it gave me my name back, because, I was pretty good at that job.  But sadly, my E.D. was still very present and just couldn't appreciate anything I was given.  Was this job too good to be true?  Am I a worthy enough person to deserve something like this?  I am finally getting paid to help women pick out clothes that they feel comfortable in and make them feel like it was their closet every time they walked through the doors, why am I still not fully happy with myself?  Why could I not say the same things I would say to these ladies to myself, how beautiful they looked, how amazing their figure looked in that dress, how their face lit up when they looked in the mirror.  It was a catch 22, I loveddddd making women feel good about themselves but on the inside, I could barely look at my reflection.  Still to this day, but I am really working on it, it's hard to even get my hair done because you are forced to look in the mirror as they are doing your hair.  I get piles of magazines to look through, look down at my phone, anything to avoid looking at my face in the mirror.  WHY?!  Still wanting more external attention to keep me going (ya'll it's sad to think how much of the public eye turned me into it's play doll.  that's how I would get by every day just receiving a compliment or a text or an email just of SOMEONE having a thought of me) I was STILL looking for the "next best thing" and all my negative self talk thinking, was I really even good at the job?  

Okay, so I know I love fashion, I grew to love planning events and fashion shows, I loved being in the presence of new people every day and getting to know some great contacts throughout Charlotte.  Well one of those contacts would soon become my next "boss".  After some time at the boutique I was approached about an event planning position.  Event planning?!  OMG yes!  It was at a very well-known bar/restaurant in the city and boy oh boy would I get to know a lot of people and a lot of people know me.  I would probably get the most outside attention for my work, be in the spotlight, show the real world what Tracey can really do, I should take this opportunity right?  Well, since I had no confidence in myself, how could I trust myself with a huge decision like this?  I would ask everyone what I should do, well not everyone but my closest friends, my parents, family, other business professionals, I just had no clue what to do.  I had SO many voices in my head, going back and forth like a ticking time bomb. 

CLT roomies for 3 years

Thank God my eating disorder was still my biggest fan because it helped me escape from making the decision for a lot longer time than I should have been allotted.  I would go work out until my lips would go numb and I couldn't feel my thighs.  This time, instead of stuffing my face I would barely eat.  I was so stressed out with life and having to "start over" every year with something new.  No one was forcing me to do this but myself.  Well, I decided to jump and take the event planning job.  This is the longest I would keep a job, oh what Tracey, more than 2 months? HA. HA. no.  It began as hell but as I got the swing of things, it did become fun but at the same time, probably the most pressure I ever put on myself to perform perfectly every single day.  During my time at this position, I learned the most about life and what I could and could not handle now looking back at it.  I learned so many tools that I will take with me for the rest of my life as well as relationships from some of the most supportive and respected people I could ask for in a work place.  They could tell I would struggle, when I would punish myself for forgetting an order of chicken tenders or promising more/less space than the host would anticipate.  One thing my mentor would say that would help me snap back to reality that I will always remember when I would mess up was, "at the end of the day, we are not brain surgeons, we are not curing cancer."  BUT, I wanted to be the BEST, I wanted to be the event planner known for not making mistakes, for busting her ass, for always having full calendars, for being out and about to all networking events, to be known and to be seen.  My competitiveness from sports wasn't gone and will never be gone.  The better I would be at my job,  the more I would maybe start believing in myself that I am a worthy person, that I have done well for myself, and not have to have tons of people telling me I have. Wellllll, I would mess up, I would make stupid mistakes, I wouldn't leave until I would have every perfect and ready for the next day, I couldn't live in the present, I was always thinking of the events the next day, or I could probablyyyyy fit in one more party here and there, so let me see what I can do.  After stressful days and days when I would leave feeling like a failure, I would either workout by taking 2-3 sometimes 4 fitness classes a day, 2 in the morning, 2 at night, or just spend hours in the gym or purge anytime I could find to escape those feelings.  I didn't want to FEEL anything.  If I didn't have time to work out or just didn't feel like it, this is when my E.D behaviors would happen MULTIPLE times a day, I just always wanted to be EMPTY.

My best friend's wedding

Outside of work, I would try and have fun, but it wouldn't last.  I wouldn't have any confidence in how I looked so would always have to swallow how I really felt and put on a good face for friends to show them I was having a good time.  Everyone had boyfriends and girlfriends so I had to make sure I looked extra happy in making outsiders think "I don't need any one to make me happy, I am confident in being single, ALL MY SINGLE LADIES! (what up, B)."  My E.D. was taking away all the fun things that were really going on in the present day.  I'm sick just thinking of times I was "there" but not mentally there.  I would want to crawwwwl out of my skin and only want to be alone.  I hate that my mind and negative self talk got in the way of so many life memories like my best friends weddings, bachelorette trips to VEGAS, Key West, Charleston, etc.  I still was having a lot of fun going to these places, having the friends I do in my life, and getting invited to so many awesome events around the city, BUT, it just wasn't enough to fight off the inner hate.

#KeepPounding

If things with my E.D couldn't get worse, I dealt with two family traumas within 3 months of each other.  Not only was I in a stressful yet very rewarding work situation, I received a phone call that I had just lost my uncle in a traumatic accident in NYC where he lived.  He wasn't just an uncle, he was the person I looked up to, the person I was determined to become one day, he lived (what looked like) an amazing life in Manhattan, owned his own publicist company, was known throughout Broadway and theater industry as one of the best.  I would so look forward to seeing him around the holidays because I was so excited to hear about the latest lunch he had with some celebrity or who he grabbed drinks with, my favorite he would just casual say oh yea, me, Tom Cruise, and Rosie O'Donnell were talking...and me and my brother would just stop and look at eachother and be like...ummm...WHAT?!?!  But that was gone, in an instant.  I just talked to him a few days before and he was gone.  I wrote a tribute to him that I posted on facebook and one of the singers he managed saw it and shared it on her wall.  An editor from a theater magazine saw it and asked me if it would be okay to publish it in their next issue which was beyond meaningful for myself and family. 

 heard these words from Miller’s niece Tracey that surely reflects the feelings we all share:

“Words can’t describe losing a loved one so unexpectedly. My uncle was one of kind and so full of life. One of life’s lessons he taught me was to follow your dreams and don’t ever give up. He hoped in his car, drove to NYC with nothing but hope and faith to make it in the city that never sleeps. 30+ years later the list of credentials, lives he has touched and what he has accomplished in his lifetime and entertainment industry is endless. He never looked back and always kept a positive foot forward no matter the obstacles life threw at him. I looked up to him not just as an uncle but as a mentor. I could not be prouder to call Miller Wright my uncle and to say he will be missed is an understatement. With this tragic passing, the saying “live everyday like it’s your last” has never hit so hard. I do not normally post things like this but want to wish everyone to live life to its fullest and be thankful for each day.

The family would like to express sincere appreciation for all the prayers and condolences.

Heaven received a perfect angel and know the stars will be shining extra bright tonight.”

So me, not really knowing how to grieve, used my E.D. to again, feel empty inside because I didn't want to feel anything after this loss.  There was no way I would know how to deal with it otherwise than not deal with it all.  Like I said before, it was like my boyfriend, my best friend, the only relationship I trusted, I had control over, something I could turn to that would always be there for me.  Well, things only got worse.  Three months later I received a call, a call that I will never forget, a call that brought my family closer than ever before (if that's possible).  I was stressed the F*** out about an event that was going on and my mom called.  I answered with a bitchy, YES MOM WHAT, I'M BUSY!  She was quiet, I could tell something was wrong.  The next words brought me to me knees, and tears actually running down my face as I type this, I had lost my oldest brother to his battle with Cerebral Palsy, three days before his 30th birthday.  I went numb.  It was like someone just stabbed me in the heart and I didn't even feel it.  Could this really be happening.  Not only to me, but my parents, my mom that lost a brother and son, my dad, my other brother, within such a short time frame of losing my uncle.  I went crazy.  I still wanted to work to keep my mind off having to grieve the loss, I went crazy with my E.D. to keep my mind off grieving the loss.  Again, it got to a point where I can barely remember getting by some days.  We took care of what we had to take care of as a family and then I was back to work.  (SIDE NOTE:  I am not sure how to interpret this but as I typed about losing my brother, the then bartender that was the first to see me drop to my knees and would hold me until I was ready to stand, to help me calm down and let her know how she can help, the girl who drove me to meet my parents as soon as they got to Charlotte, walked in to Starbucks and sat right beside me as we had small talk.  Is that a sign that everything IS okay right now?  That I AM doing the right thing with this blog?  I don't know, but just very interesting...and if YOU are reading this, thank you. so great seeing you yesterday :) xoxo)

I continued with my job until I was tired of the constant pressure I was putting on myself, on top of it being the worst year of my life changing jobs AGAIN, losing two special, special loved ones, and finally getting tired of this damn demon that was living inside me that was thriving more and more off the secrecy as it got worse.  I would spend days just laying in bed with the lights off and blinds closed, not dealing with the world outside me, not wanting to be seen in public because I was just so disgusted with myself and what I was doing with my life.  I couldn't find internal happiness and going about it all the wrong ways.  I was trying to find internal happiness in a job.  My life depending on what job I was doing and how others perceived me.  My life was a job, because that is what life is.  A job.  You go to work every day, you make money, you come home, you do it all over again the next day. Yea?  HA.  I had to keep busy with a job because I needed any excuse to delay accepting myself as a person and not a work professional as long as I could.  Even though I realllllly enjoyed making all the connections I did while at this job from working with Charlotte professional teams, to CEO's of Fortune 500 companies, to non-profit organizations, it was amazing, BUT, with me being at my deepest point in my E.D. it was making every decision for me at this point, it was almost like I had a film over my face that I saw all things blurry, through a different type vision and not a clear one (orrrr, a MASK).  I received an opportunity to get in the fitness industry.  I was ready to say good-bye to the service and events industry because I finally had the opportunity to just workout and get paid and not have any care in the world because I could finally get the body I wanted because that is what is expected of me, to have a good body while being a trainer.  YES.  My E.D threw away all my hard ass work I did while in events and said hello to sweating like I never have before.  Granted, I did really believe in this fitness brand coming to the city and would love to help make it grow but my mind lit up like July 4th on the inside thinking I could finally work out for however long as I wanted because I was now in the fitness industry and I'm "allowed" to.  No one would ever question me.

My future SIL and I doing a Thanksgiving Turkey Trot

I am finally at the point in my story where I threw my hands up and yelled HELP!!!  I was working as a fitness coach, liked everyone I was working with, loved all of our members, and especially the franchise owner who I owe the world to at this point.  I got back to thinking, this is what people are expecting me to be doing right?  I was a collegiate athlete, I loved to work out, this is who I was.  My E.D LOVED it.  Until quickly, my life became at its darkest point.  Not only did I just make a HUGE job change, but it was also right in the middle of holiday season, and I was moving apartments.  Even though everything was completely falling a part outside of work, every time I got on the mic it was like I could get lost in the moment and motivate others and be positive for them and not myself.  I loveddddd seeing members having a smile on their face during my class as I would rap along to songs and push them beyond their limits and motivate them to go one inch further. Like the fashion job, why couldn't I be this motivator for myself like that?  Why do I torture myself in these roles pretending to be someone I am not?  Preaching to them to be healthy, live a healthy and active lifestyle, while I go take care of business every time I put something in my mouth.  Not just that but not even feel like I had a home to go to.  My living situation was FAR from perfect and it brought me to sleeping on friends couches or spare bedrooms or staying at my brothers.  I lived out of a bag I would pack and leave in my car of gym clothes I would need for the week really not knowing where I was going to stay at night.  Some nights I wouldn't even sleep with all the anxiety and depression I had, especially when the next family life event happened when I had lost my last grandparent, my grandmother who I cannot begin to tell you how amazing she was.  I was falling apart like I had never before.  I was getting dizzy all of the time on top of working out in sweatshirts, barely eating, not sleeping.  I couldn't tell you what my body looked like because it would always be covered up in baggy clothes when in reality, what IF I had a good body and just never saw it.  I had been seeing a therapist for quite some time now (sorry, haven't even mentioned that yet) and I could barely get any words out during sessions because all I would do is cry.  I was scaring my family half to death, I would have constant circles under my eyes, BUT, if you saw me, you would NEVER guess what I was really going through.  I was a pro at my eating disorder, it was the only thing I had left.  My mask was on every second of every day unless I was alone, and it was EXHAUSTING.  I do not want this to scare any one that knows me, but it did get to the point where I would have bad thoughts, and by bad, I mean BAD.  Nothing I don't think I would ever act on, but, just thoughts of knowing there is one thing I could do to make this all go away and not have to live through this pain any more.  I would have to get in the shower at the most random times in the day to just calm down and stop from having chills from anxiety and just stand there as the water would hit my face.  

When I told my therapist everything I had been doing and how bad it was getting, she told me one thing that changed my mindset and knowing okay, it's time I get help.  She said with how much I was working out, how much stress I was causing on all parts of my body, especially my heart, how much I was throwing up, how much I wasn't sleeping, I was on the path of a possible heart attack.  I couldn't believe the words that came out of her mouth and when she said that, something inside me woke up and said, help  me.  First step was telling my family my secret.  My secret was about to be revealed for the first time in 8 YEARS.  Was I really ready for it to be over?  To break up with something that has been with me through all of this.  YES.  So I told my parents, as you can imagine their reaction, they were disappointed but would do anything in their power to help and support me, next up my brother, that was probably tougher than my parents, but again, anything he could do to help me as well as his fiance, and then finally, moving out of my apartment  and into a healthier environment with my now roommate that I can never thank enough for helping me out of this hole I had fallen so deeply in.  Okay, so one step at a time I was slowly making the right changes in my life, until my therapist recommended me get help that was out of her hands at this point.  I was willing to try anything to help me see the point of living and get back to a Tracey I could recognize and so could my family and friends.  So, having that said, I was recommended to a treatment center in Denver, Colorado that was supposed to be the best in the country in dealing with eating disorders.  My first inside initial reaction was HELL NO, I am "not going to rehab, or whatever you want to call it because no one knows me to fail, to struggle, to not love herself" the whole secret would be out, I wasn't ready to stop the pain I was putting myself through.  I was addicted to it, it was my life for SO long, but seeing how it was affecting my family as well as myself and my friendships, I couldn't carry on like this.  THIS isn't life.  So I called the treatment center for an evaluation and they highlyyyy recommended me to admit with them.  After deep, deep thought, opening up to my at-the- time boss/owner who I so deeply trusted, my family, and if this wasn't a sign enough, having the center say they had an opening on May 7th, WHIIIIICH just so happened to be MY BIRTHDAY, I knew all signs pointed to it is finally time to hit the PAUSE button on life and work on Tracey for once.  No more making others happy before myself, no more wearing a mask of everything is fine in Tracey's world, no more "faking it til I make it" bullshit, it was MY TIME, my time to stop and thank God for giving me a chance to better myself and start understanding my purpose in life.  So this little Southern girl packed her suitcase, left everything behind in Charlotte, only told MAYBE a handful of people what I was really doing, and bought a one-way ticket to the Wild Wild West.  I hopped on the plane, scared as ALLLLL HELLLLLLL, but knew my life was about to change, for the better.  The wheels touched down in Denver and the cab dropped me off at my home for the next however many days.  Before I opened the doors not knowing what was on the other side, I closed my eyes, took a few deep breaths, reminded myself this is going to be the best birthday present I will ever have, said a prayer, and finally took the steps inside and checked-in to a place I will forever owe my life to....ERC.

My heart and soul - Family trip to San Francisco 

*Sigh*, this was a relief to get off my chest as well as a very, very emotional one.  A lot went on in the past 6 years and it probably took you about that long to read but the next chapter is a good one, a positive one. :)

"Sometimes, you have to get knocked down lower than you have ever been to stand back up taller than you ever were." - unknown

Fist pound,
TLC