My First Authentic Holiday

Bonjour from my new favorite nook in Uptown CLT, Amelie's French Bakery

Kind of ate my words in my last post in not waiting so long to post again but didn't know how busy I was going to get around the holiday. Hope everyone enjoyed their Thanksgiving and for those around the world who do not celebrate, hope you are having a great start to your week!  I didn't know where this post was going to take me because I wanted to go many different directions with it.  My mind has been going about a million miles a minute the past week and kept jotting down notes like "ooo don't forget to mention this in your post, and this, and that, etc" and then I would read an E.D. article through research or chapter in a self compassion/success/purpose book and write down an insert I wanted to talk about...not to mention just every day living that happened...and realized I am getting myself SO worked up over every little thing that I wanted to add and probably by the end of it all, none of it would make any sense because my brain was thinking faster than I could type.  So, I took a few days to not even think about writing, not think about the notes I took, what I have read, or seen, or heard and just stopped.  Stopped and smelled the roses.  Stopped and took a breath and realized I needed to take one day at a time, one idea at a time, not try to jot gibberish down because I tend to get very excited, very easily (for past co-workers, you know this) and knew my words would lose all meaning in what I was trying to get out.  So I apologize in advance IF this post is all over the place and takes you, well, an hour to read, as lot of stuff has come up and want to try and communicate clearly some of the thoughts and emotions that arose and especially getting through the first BIG holiday while being in recovery for the first time since 2007.

In this very moment, I am feeling very overwhelmed, anxious, nervous, hopeful yet sad, happy yet down, content yet wanting more, gross yet healthy.  I think a lot of this emotional roller coaster that Six Flags couldn't even handle is coming from the start of the big holiday season and having more flashbacks than I ever thought I would of moments this time last year, where I mentioned before when things were getting bad.  Flashbacks of sleepless nights, not knowing where I was going to sleep, packing week long bags to keep in my car, anxiety attacks, triggers everywhere, moments of not wanting to deal with another day, and just depressing moments I still feel today.  I know this is the season of giving, and cheer, and family, and happy happy, joy, joy and I am not at all trying to get away from that because I am grateful more than EVER this year for everything that has happened in 2015.  However, just because the holidays are here, doesn't mean life stops happening.  So what was it like for someone in recovery from an eating disorder, who is also on a very strict meal plan (and having to email my dietitian after every meal I eat) at Thanksgiving?  The holiday that is centered around food and second helpings and making life long memories with family and friends.  Thanksgiving has always been a very triggering holiday for those reasons and letting the BITCH take over and never letting an actual Thanksgiving meal digest, but especially triggering for my family as a whole the past three years.  Not only was I full of emotion in how my mind and body was going to respond to the feast in front of me but around this time, three years ago, was when I lost my oldest brother to Cerebral Palsy.  We never really bring it up as a family but I was back at my parents house for a few days and as I was helping my mom decorate our Christmas tree, I just so happened to pick up an ornament to turn it over and it be a picture of my late brother inside of a wreath.  I immediately felt like someone punched me in the stomach and just told my mom to please not put that up this year as my eyes were about to be Niagara Falls.  It was just too hard to handle on top of everything else to see his face.  Thankfully she understood even though she said she enjoyed looking at it every holiday but this year was just different.  For the first time, I feel like I am finally allowing myself to grieve the loss of him.  I have been so masked and concerned with my own struggles that were kept secret all of these years to never fully grieve the family losses we have had over the years.  Again, this year was different.  This season is the first time I am being authentic, for my family now knowing what I was doing when I said I had to go to the bathroom while people were enjoying seconds, why I had to sweat my ass off before and sometimes after the meal, why I was always so energetic and carefree around family company at the house because I was so good at hiding the real TLC.  I finally spoke up to my true feelings and told my mom, I'm sorry, but this is just something I can't handle seeing this year and she respected that.

So at this point, the roller coaster is still creeping up it's hill.  (OH, BTDubs, I am nottttt a fan of roller coasters, like, the real thing, well hell this roller coaster too, but you get what I mean, kbye) This was also the first Thanksgiving ever that I wouldn't have my other brother home with me.  He spent the holiday with his fiance up North and got a little taste of her family's Turkey Bowl when I heard of his twisted ankle but know he had a blasttttt!  It was sad not to have him there as we have spent every holiday together since we were born butttt I know there's a time where we all have to grow up and Never Never Land finally gave us the boot.  I will have to say I was SUPER jealous because while he was up there he got to take a SoulCycle spin class.  For those who know me, know I am obsesssssed and passionate about spinning/cycling (I basically live at Flywheel Sports) and have been wanting to get to a city with a SC.  So, why did I feel the need to share that?  What does my competitive spirit do when I hear of his spin class when I wasn't doing one that day?  Ohhhh well since he got to sweat and workout, I have to too.  So I did a nice little run and strength workout in my driveway.  Oh Trace, one day you will learn to LET...IT...GO (totally just got Frozen stuck in my head)  It's just so hard for me to sit still, relax, watch TV, and just enjoy being home knowing others, not just my brother, are working out around the world.  I feel like I always need to be doing sommmmething.  Slight segway in to working out, and those who follow me on social media have already seen this, but I took a picture of the basketball goal I grew up learning/practicing/playing on 20+ years ago and it's still standing strong.  My dad and I still go and shoot on it every chance we get while I am home.  We spent about 45min to an hour out there that day.  This is the court that is in my neighborhood and OMG if I could tell you all the memories that I have on this.  This was the meeting spot for neighborhood hide-n-seek, basketball games where the guys wouldn't pass it to me (yea you know who you are!) tennis matches, sometimes wiffleball/baseball games, playing house, but most importantly, the court where my brother proposed to his now fiance (while I hid in a bush, what. true story). <3

Ain't she a beauty.

So now getting some of the behind the scene family emotions out and you will hear more about sweat sessions in a little bit, but I did get a chance to go see my best friend since preschool and her little rugrat, Crue!  This sureeeee did put a smile on my face as I got to catch up with her and hang out with Crue man while I finally got him to take the fear of God out of his eyes when I would try to dance with him.  :)

No of courrrrse he wasn't trying to get away...nope....never...

So, there were many good, good times during my time at home, helping my mom decorate, shoot with my dad, still get a workout in, just being HOME, until... well, I won't even say "until" but let's just say there was a minor glitch in the system BUT I fought like hell and took the BIA down when he (yea I have always considered my ED a "he" or IT because I just picture this little, ninja-like, guy in a black suit, slick back hair, devilish features inside of my body that is better known as my eating disorder aka bitch.  Again, Lord, I hope this doesn't make me single forever?!)  wanted to "celebrate" the Thanksgiving meal instead of digesting it.  It finally got to the time of sitting down and having dinner.  This year my dad wanted to try something different than the traditional Thanksgiving foods.  We had...drum-roll please...shrimp cocktail and lobster tail!  OMG it was DEEEELISHHHH and we still had a few of the traditional sides, squash casserole, brussel sprouts, salad, sweet potatoes.  My mind was somewhat at ease because I already categorized seafood being less fattening than turkey and ham so I prepped my mind in to thinking I was eating "healthier" than normal on this day.  Well, as every bite of food was touching my mouth, that pep talk went to hell, my meal plan went to hell, and I just pictured fat.  What triggered this?  A slight glance at my reflection as I passed a mirror in our house on the way to the dining room and saw what I believed to be a laaaarger version of myself, kinda exactly like the movie "Shallow Hal".  So, I pictured fat going in to my body and it staying there and because of this ONE meal, I will have to work out that much harder to burn it off because that is what they all say after this holiday right?  "Oh just enjoy this day and then go burn it off later."  I was replaying all of society's sayings in my head and just picturing people being so full and having to "unbutton their pants" and feeling miserable and then my mind would go to well, I wonder what professional athletes, and models, and fitness professionals are eating right now?  I bet they aren't letting themselves go.  What if I was a supermodel and had a shoot the very next day.  I sure as hell wouldn't be eating this and able to just hop in to a bathing suit and feel good about my body.  I was watching the Panthers game beforehand and got, I wouldn't say triggered, but mad at every drop of sweat I saw on the players face and the sweat through their uniforms because I didn't get to sweat like that, that day.  Uh, Trace, you lost us, what?  Yea, that is where my mind went.  To all of these other scenarios than my very own real life scenario of spending this time with my parents, who I love more than anything in this world and for being back home in the house I grew up in, surrounded by love and comfort.  All I could think about was my body, what my mind was telling me, and how I SHOULDN'T be eating.  I finished what I could and got myself so emotionally full that I had to get up from the table and INSTEAD of going to the bathroom, I went for a short walk outside to calm myself and my mind, down, to ground myself, because my self talk got far too loud for me to sit there any more.  I can't say what my parents were thinking but they didn't say anything and just let me do what I needed to avoid coping with these thoughts in a way we all DON'T want to happen.  I can't remember actually what I was thinking or saying to myself during my walk, but all I do remember is me being able to calm down and realize that these are thoughts and that they will pass.

I came back inside and not even trying to go back to the table around food, I star-fished on the living room floor until I felt somewhat better.  I checked my phone, again with this perfect timing thing, I had noticed I missed a few texts in a group chat with my dear friends from treatment at ERC in Denver!  We all started giving each other support and that just made my night knowing we are all still in this together.  So as I laid there, I knew I could do this and I DID, I let the food digest.  WAIT, what did I just say?  Did I just say I let Thanksgiving dinner digest????  YOU HEARD IT RIGHT FOLKS.  Instead of letting the roller coaster hit the 90 degree drop, for the first time, in EIGHT YEARS, I allowed my body to accept the food I gave it on this holiday.  I chose to use a coping tool I learned when dealing with these thoughts and triggers and finally let the thoughts PASS.  And want to know something even better?  About an hour or so later, I ate a piece of pumpkin pie...and it was so F'n good, oh, WITH whip cream, whaaaat?!?! can I get a fist pound?!?! Cam can I get a dab? wishful thinking? yea thought so.  Go Panthers.  I went to bed feeling very proud of myself yet still thoughts creeping in of omg you just gained five pounds, how dare you do this to me, what are you thinking, you just wasted all of your workouts on this one meal, you will pay for this.  BUT, I shut it down and finally said GOOD...NIGHT!!  (It also helped knowing I was getting a really good work out in the next day but I am still waiting for the point when it doesn't have to take a workout to get me through a "fat" feeling to let it be okay.  One day at a time.)

The next day I got back to Charlotte after I would say a successful yet very, very tough holiday and while I was still proud of myself for powering through a tough meal, all my mind and body was wanting was a good sweat sesh as much and as long as possible.  Having that said, going back to my "CPA" title (for those who didn't read the previous posts, this is my own definition of a CPA in holding MYSELF accountable for all actions that do not align with my values I TRY to live out every day), I will say I am accountable for taking it a little over board with my workouts over the weekend after this ONE meal where I got my mind SO emotionally full that in reality, I probably didn't eat as much as I thought.  BUT, past is the past right?  I am not going to say everything I did to work off the food coma, but me, standing strong and letting ya'll know I did in fact take "burning it off" to the extreme, helps me turn this little set back around and know I have limitations that I have to stick to in order to stay in recovery.  To some, this may seem small, but for someone who is in recovery, with exercise being one of the drivers, it's a VERY slippery slope.  I went to the chiropractor yesterday to get my back and neck adjusted and the first words to come out of her mouth were "boyyyyyy, has someone been working you out hard or what?!?" when sadly, that "someone" was me.  But, here I am, being transparent, and realizing I did too much and how to improve from here.  I am happy to say I took a rest day Monday and did absolutely nothing that got my heart rate up.  It was hard as hell but I know my body is thanking me for it today.  However, I'm not sure if I could say anything to justify what I just admitted but I wasn't hating all of the minutes and time I took up for working out when I could have been doing other things.  This isn't my eating disorder talking, this is Tracey, which can get me really frustrated talking to some people who just listen to me as an ED, but I was loving the sweat, the pain, I was in my zone, my safe haven, a place I go to in my mind where I feel like I can be ME, where I feel accepted, where I am out of my own head and enjoying being active, but I know the downward slope can easily pop up at anytime, it's just whether or not I am strong enough in the moment to push away.

Trust me, it's hard to decipher some days where my mindset is behind some of my workouts whether it's ME or IT being the driving force but I truly believe it will just always be a part of who I am.  It's in my blood, my genes, my temperament, to always live an active lifestyle and will always consider myself an athlete, I just have a lot of work to do in making sure I am doing it in a healthy way.  Here's a few pics of me during some of the workouts.  These are hard to post, especially of me slowly getting over a major fear that I will go in to later but, these did make me feel good because 1. they were completely candid and 2.  when I received them, it took me back to that moment of when I was more focused on the function of my body during the workout and not so much of what my body looked like and how many calories I was burning.  (I know I keep mentioning I will talk about my relationship with fitness now in a post from what it was, but just need to get a little more comfortable in my own skin and more comfortable with my own body image to go in depth with something very personal and something I am so passionate about to not get triggered.)

Peeping Tom in the bottom right corner, AWESOME Fly90 ride with Zach and Meghan!

"Ain't No Mountain Hiiiiigh Enough" Med-ball mountain climbers

"Ain't No Mountain Hiiiiigh Enough" Med-ball mountain climbers

My favorite. Because I know in this very moment a part of my mind was telling me I would never find the balance to do a mountain climber, but told myself I would not fail and put matter OVER mind and did it.

High knees against the wall for 1 minute....tell me that's not the longest minute of your life

Trainer, Jen D!  Lookin good, TC

So that was kind of my first big holiday at a glance.  Some ups and some downs but all in all, I consider it a success.  It's just sooooo hard to turn my mind off, obviously around meals but especially hard at night time when I am forced to relax and sleep while trying to block out flashbacks and worries/thoughts about what I cannot change.  But, just another area I am constantly working on to make sure I am not only getting proper nutrients but the right amount of sleep to be alert and mindful the next day.  However, there is one more raaandom point I wanted to touch on as Nsync "Happy Holidays" just came on and trying so hard not to break out in song and dance.  This was a moment that happened this past Sunday that I didn't think I would really care about, but it ended up sticking with me until this very moment when I thought I was going to be done typing (oh, what was I just saying about turning my mind off?).  I turned on Sunday NFL Countdown to a topic that I suddenly related myself to on a personal yet different level.  It was the topic of Johnny Manziel and his future in the NFL as he has been named the third string quarterback for the Browns due to off field behavior.  We know the story of him checking himself in to rehab for alcoholism and the "tiff" with his girlfriend and whatever photos are streaming on the internet of him out partying.  I am not focused on that but more focused on the comments that were made by analyst Cris Carter (who is a former alcoholic and NFL Hall of Famer) that instead of taking jabs at Manziel, he was speaking truth behind the mental illness he is dealing with that I can also relate to towards the illness of an eating disorder.  It caught my attention as he said "he will take this to the grave with him, it's like he is allergic to alcohol."  I thought, wow, that's pretty deep, to the grave?  But it's true, for as long as I live, I will always have the eating disorder be a part of my life because it is something that had completely control over mine for so long.  It's not something that will just walk away after you "break up".  It is a constant battle every day in how you are going to handle the relationship.  So even though Manziel was demoted as QB, that doesn't mean he will now go work on the problem and be free of it.  It doesn't just flip the switch OFF to the illness for him to wake up and take action, just like treatment for me wasn't a CURE ALL place.  Carter also mentioned that when Manziel did see the photos of him maybe partying a little too much than he should, he didn't realize it was even a problem.  Which I can also relate to.  For the longest time I never thought for once did I actually have a problem with food and exercise.  These mental illnesses trick your mind in to thinking you are doing nothing wrong when in reality, others see right through it and know there is an issue at hand.  He made mistakes, I have made mistakes, but for everyone to say "why can't he just stop drinking and going out and partying if he wants to make it in the big league," well, coming from someone who is struggling with a different type of issue, if he could, he would.  I know this is completely random but just caught my attention as this is something that has so much grey area, yet still leaves people seeing only black and white.  K, that's my two cents.

Stay strong out there, kiddos.  We got this.

#keeppounding,
TLC