A quote as simple as that is something I have began to read everyday. Been M.I.A. as I have been trying to stay busy throughout the holiday season but wanted to check in before the big day of Christmas arrived as well as give a little hope and inspiration to those who may be struggling or not necessarily struggling but just would like to read some good quotes and a little bit about what's going on in the world of Trace. I definitely think I underestimated how tough holiday season would be and could take a page out of my own book in stop trying to be someone I'm not these past few weeks. Anybody wish there was just a recovery manual that mapped out your Day 1, Day 2, Day 3...etc until "the day comes" where you feel "cured"? Oh no, Tracey, that's too easy. Well...yea *pouting*, because we are supposed to use the coping tools we learned in treatment to help us through these times, but if it were that easy, I probably wouldn't be writing this blog. Ammaright?
As I mentioned, I have been trying to stay busy, and what exactly did I do for that? Well, in all honesty, I can't really tell you everything that I have done but mostly Christmas shopping, doctor appointments, cleaning, going out with friends, coffee dates, working, workouts, coloring (those adult coloring books are awesome). I didn't really think about blogging because I would actually have to sit down and think about my life at the moment, what has been going on, what am I really feeling? I was trying to avoid that. As I sat down this morning, I opened my laptop and decided to start writing because I realized exactly what I just said in the previous sentence. I was avoiding feelings again, I was avoiding thoughts, emotions, life because I have been hiding how I have really been feeling and not wanting to deal with it. Maybe if I just didn't deal with them, they would go away. Ohhhh, Tracey, sweetie, what have we learned by doing that? Now this is in no way shape or form to put a damper on the season of joy, love, family, gratitude, etc because this really is the most wonderful time of the year but I just wanted to take time to release some of the feelings I have tucked away for weeks in hopes that it will help me through the remainder of 2015. I am not here to map out everything that has gone wrong but just to admit, it's getting hard. Yes, of course I am trying to focus on the good but as we all know, our mind is one powerful tool and it keeps bringing up the bad. The voice that has lived inside me for so long is still there and very present and just kindaaaa getting a little bit harder to quiet it down. As this year is coming to a close, it's easy to reflect on everything that has happened in the past year, and for me, I can honestly say this has been the year that has saved my life. Looking back on where I was in January to today, good lord, what a complete whirlwind of events, emotions of not wanting to accept life anymore as it was to now practically starting a whole new life over, living in recovery and coming clean about my ED and accepting treatment for it. It's just a lot to take in and how to handle all the thoughts and feelings that come with it all at once. There have been moments where I think I should go back to treatment, moments where I think "hey, I've got this" to moments where I am just content with where I am and then with a snap of a finger, I'm back to living in the past and dwelling on why this all had to happen to me? Why me? Why am I the "only one in this entire world that feels like this, that has to deal with this"? What is it like to feel normal? So many ups and downs on a constant basis and just need to get a good grip on things again. Maybe that is why I have been nervous to post during this time because I would be embarrassed to admit how hard it is right now with how positive I feel like my last couple of posts have been. Maybe I should just post about how great it is to be going through holiday season not having to hide anything anymore and just be ME and all the fun get together's with friends and family I have had. But, that would be me being someone I am not. That would be me putting up my mask and show everyone that I am strong enough to handle this and doing sooooo well. But, I was quickly reminded by a friend that I AM strong enough to handle this because of what I am doing right at this very moment. Admitting that maybe this is a lot harder than I anticipated and learning how to be okay with it and okay with asking for help, okay with letting my guard down. Being an athlete all my life, I just continue that competitive streak with myself thinking this game of life is either you win or you lose when in reality, it is all about how you play the game, not the outcome.
Having that said, I wanted to take this time to send out positive vibes that has helped me through some dark days recently. I have learned that reading quotes really does help me relax and calm me down and get back to a healthy mindset and to just be my own cheerleader. To everyone who is feeling any type of struggle, stress, anxiousness, unworthy/not enough self thoughts, take this time to stop whatever you are doing, find a comfortable position, and just read some of these uplifting quotes (heads up: some may be pretty blunt and hard to swallow but true). See if it helps bring you back to the present moment and help you realize how far you have really come in whatever personal battle you may be dealing with and to know, you are never alone in whatever you are going through. Soooooooometimes it helps if you just blast some music and dance around in your pajamas, maybe grab a hairbrush and sing along, *cough, I mean, not like I have done that before? no, never...* to let it all go as I have said before and have FUN with yourself. Some I have already used in previous posts, but these are a lot of the quotes I have started to read on a daily basis that has helped me open my eyes to what positive has come from everything I have put my heart and soul in to this year. Sometimes....words DO speak louder than actions:
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| And again, had to end on this one. Watch this "Rocky" scene on youtube! |
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Cheers from me, my miniature tree, and my lovely #sweatyhairdontcare to YOU, you little rockstar, YOU.
TLC
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