Well, I'm back after a short hiatus from writing as I was and continue to get refocused after a few hiccups that came as it seemed one after the other, after the other. Again, have to just keep telling myself this is a marathon, not a sprint, even though I sure do wish it was. In my last post I held myself accountable for a lot of the bad and focused more so on the good. Well, the bad came back and it stayed like a crazy ex-boyfriend and some days I really thought I wasn't strong enough to keep fighting this bad "break up". I tried focusing on all the fun outings I had with friends, good therapy sessions, great workouts where I focused more so on the workout and not my body (and realizing my new found love of hiking!!), but still, something remained constant and it was my mind going haywire over the person I was. I just couldn't accept who I was, shaming Tracey, and felt like I was "masking" myself again in public and only let my therapist in on the dirty secrets of how I was really feeling. One thing I CAN'T focus on which I allowed my mind to go to is to revisit where I was this time last year. This time last year is when the downward spiral to rock bottom all started. I was right in the middle of a huge job change, moving into a new apartment, going into the cheerful holiday season, all while living in secrecy of an eating disorder that was getting worse. Yea, Trace, how about we NOT go there? That'd be great. Even though I would love to just vent all over this post about everything that has been going on, I do want to focus on something I have been wanting to post about for awhile and hope this will bring me peace as I tackle another day head on. It's about my "adult graduation" and how timing really is everything in how my speaking engagements with UNCC Women's sports teams came about. So, get comfy, grab a coffee, grab some pinot, whatever your heart fancies as we have another long read ahead of us. I have been told they take forever to read (sorry :/) but just know as I am typing every little detail (and some I probably don't even need to mention) it helps clear my mind SO much just telling MY authentic life story and can't thank you enough for following along as the support means more than ever right now.
We comfy? Sitting Indian-style in a circle? Before I get in to more "timing is everything" events in my life, because as I have previously stated God has a funny way of throwing things my way at the perfect time, he did so again yesterday and this morning that made this post and my current mindset snap back in to reality that, I'VE GOT THIS. Yesterday was just another "in a funk" days where you contemplate what you're doing with your life, wonder what everyone else but you are doing right now, thinking everyone on this Earth is SO MUCH more successful than you ever will be, wondering what are people on the other side of the world doing right now (well, I guess sleeping, try again Tracey, you get the picture), BUT, at a perfect time, a new found friend send me a clip from Oprah that really reiterated that YOU are responsible for YOUR own life. You can't keep waiting around for someone to come fix it, to come save you, to come help you because you are wasting your time. YOU have the power to accept this moment, forgive the past and keep moving your life FORWARD. It was such an amazing and inspiring clip that came and it really did perk me up and turn my day around yesterday to stop being so freakin' hard on myself. *Here is the link if you need a little extra pep in your step today and that PSL just isn't doing the trick: https://www.facebook.com/Emekambadiwe/videos/vb.157656130947807/1049577401755671/?type=2&theater - thanks, girl, love the friendship we have built!
Secondly, as I was sitting at Starbucks (yes that is the ongoing trend) starting this post and during my "AND YOU GET A CAR" Oprah moment, my dear fitness/hiking/friend turned older twin sister texted me at another perfect moment to see how I was doing. She had a break from work and actually came to Starbucks to chat and be with me AND surprised me with this AWESOME gift that maaaade my day:
Who can't smile without saying bombdiggity? I mean, let's just be honest. We chatted for awhile just about the struggle and it surely did warm my heart knowing how much she truly cares about me and me about her considering we go through A LOT of the similar ups and downs of life! Annnnnd lastly, good ol Poppa Croner giving me a call this morning to reiterate his support even though he is one not to show a lot of emotion. He said something that really stuck in my head that makes a lot of sense from a well-known quote we all know. Instead of mind over matter, from MY point of view it is more matter over mind. The state my mind has been in for the past 8 years to all of a sudden trying to think in a wholeeee new way is nearly impossible with only a few months of treatment. It is all about how my actions respond to my mind when it wants me to go down the wrong path, and that is how I need to look at the bigger picture when I feel defeated. It is when I let my mind overtake my matter and how will I fight back to get on top again.
OOOOOkay, did I have to mention those moments? No. Do I feel that people reading this are thinking I just said all of that to sound conceded, and "we get it Tracey, you have support, stop feeling so sorry for yourself", ya damn right I do (unfortunately), but again, matter over mind and I said those moments because it felt damn good to release them on to paper instead of keeping them in my mind. NOW, it's time to get this show on the road and for that, I will start with this....I GRADUATED!!
Now, this time was a little different. This time it didn't involve a diploma or a degree. I wasn't in a cap and gown, there was no commencement speech, no pictures with friends throwing up piece signs yelling DEUCES to the all-nighters cramming for a test, 20 page papers that have nothing to do with your life today and somehow managing to go out multiple nights a week when now you can barely handle one. This graduation was something a little more personal, a day that was given no end date, no time frame, just the hope and faith it would one day happen. SO, *drumroll please*, after 5 months, the day came, September 10, 2015, when I graduated from treatment! Of those 5 months, I spent about 2 1/2 months in Denver, CO which I have discussed and the other 2 1/2 at an outpatient center here in Charlotte, NC that helped me with the transition being back home so I wasn't just jumping back in to the chaos of life that I had left it in. It was time for me to finally start this new chapter more so on my own and put all of the coping tools I had learned to the test. Granted, I do still have a team of professionals I work with in one on one sessions and a support group once a week, but my day to day would be managed by ME and not a treatment team.
So how does this graduation work and what exactly do you do? I'm glad you asked. Graduation, or getting 'discharged' (treatment lingo), is when you and your team feel you are at the point where you are stable enough to try this on your own but still having a support team set up to help you along the way. It comes at a point that is different for EVERYONE. Mine came when I was just honestly not getting anything more out of the specified groups we had, was completing my meals with no problem, able to keep a sharp and clear mind-set, and all in all just READY. Now, this just wasn't any ordinary day that my graduation came, shocking because I feel like I have a story for EVERYTHING, but another "timing is everything" moment in the life of TLC. I keep emphasizing the timing of events that continue to happen in my life and here is another one to add to the list. Back tracking about two days before my graduation, I was meeting with Dr. Festa, my primary therapist, and this is where my blog/speaking engagements was brought to the surface. I was looking back on the months past and everything I had gone through from January 1 til that very day. A LOT had happened, holy shy-zah. One thing NEW that was happening was I had a feeling inside me that I was not only ready to graduate but ready to start letting the world in on this secret of mine. It was almost like I had the feeling of dissatisfaction without people knowing this side of me because with all the HELL I had gone through, what good is it doing if I did keep ALL of that inside when maybe my story would help others? Dr. Festa was impressed I was willing to put this out in the open and it is almost like I saw the light bulb that suddenly came over her head. She works with tons of collegiate and professional athletes in her practice and is also contracted out by the UNCC (University of North Carolina at Charlotte) Athletic Department for Sports Psychology. She had been asked to take on a series of talks to women's athletic teams about women athletes and body image called Girl Talk. Anyone else guessing what was coming next? Since I expressed interest in public speaking engagements, she asked if I was REALLY ready to do this because she had a talk that coming Friday, the day right after I graduated from treatment, to talk to the Women's Indoor and Outdoor Track & Field Team at UNCC. Say whaaaaa?!? The very first day I was "free" in the world, I had this unbelievable opportunity to tell my story in public for the very first time to a group of women athletes. You got to be kidding me. With no hesitation I accepted the offer and that moment was one of those heart-sinking, knot in stomach, hot flash happening, I don't know what to do with my hands, type moment of pure excitement/disbelief/happiness/eagerness/nervousness that holy SHIIYAAT I'm about to do this.
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| Who doesn't love a free t-shirt?! |
Oh, that timing isn't enough for one event? Let me knock your socks off...that Friday, the day of my talk and the day after I would graduate treatment was September 11th. We all know the emotion that comes with that date for our country but also, it was my mom's birthday! I asked her earlier in the week what she wanted for her birthday and all she had to say was "you getting out of treatment and for everything you have done thus far is the best birthday present I could ask for." Gee mom, make a girl cry why don't ya. Okay, okay, God, world, whoever...I got it, I see my sign...I'll do the talk! So, the day finally came. I surprisingly wasn't really that nervous at all as I have always enjoyed public speaking but just kept telling myself, OMG, this is the first time, in 8 years, that I will be telling my story in public, much less to a room of about 40 college women athletes that I once was. Of course I was in gym attire, white crew socks, Nike pull over, shorts, just wanted to be my most comfortable self during the talk and obviously wanted to dress for the part. I was talking to athletes so I wanted to dress like one (hello my everyday attire) so I would be more approachable. I walked into the stadium seated room in the Athletic Center on campus which reminded me of a film room with a large projector screen and there they were...the track team sitting there, patiently waiting for Dr. Festa to arrive with her presentation and little did they know, I was going to be with her. Ohhhhh back up a few sentences where I was sounding like the good ol confident Tracey in not being nervous at all, HA, I suddenly needed deodorant and a towel to wipe the sweat off (TMI?). I stood against the wall beside Dr. Festa as she gave her PowerPoint presentation on Body Image and Athletes and I was shaking like it was my first time sitting on Santa's lap as a little girl. Breathe, Trace, they are just girls, here to listen to you speak about YOUR journey, no judgement, they are athletes just like you. In my mind, of course it suddenly went to them thinking, who the hell is this girl coming in like she owns the place? and felt like there were about 40 sets of eyeballs glaring at me instead of Dr. Festa. I felt like they were judging every inch of my body, wondering why I was "trying to dress like them" because I looked FAR from an athlete and just again, started shaming who I was. However, I started to pay more attention to the presentation to get my mind off of the self talk and it was quite fascinating the information she had pulled from this easily overshadowed topic in our society today. Here are a few slides that left my jaw dropped: (sorry they are hard to read, but if you can, it's pretty amazing facts and sadly, how early body dissatisfaction starts, 10 years old?! AND that 91% of woman, 91! are unhappy with their body in some way or the other)
...and as she turns towards me, I get the introduction of why I am there, a real life battler of an E.D. and a former collegiate athlete just like them when it all started. I sat on a stool infront of them and took a deep, deep breath. The room was silent, I made eye contact with a few of the girls and sat there. I wanted to keep it together so bad, sooooo so bad. Tracey, do not cry. Whatever you do. Do. Not. Cry. Well, okay folks...it was water works as soon as I opened my mouth. I had no clueeee the emotion that would come over me, all at once as I simply stated my name and how I had been living with an eating disorder for 8 years. That's about all I could get out in the first few minutes then I got it together. I just started from the very first time I acknowledged my body for what it was after a "binge" on pizza and beer and how I was in total disgust. That 20 year old basketball player, staring at her stomach in the mirror of her bathroom, when her mind took over all matter and the start of one heck of a rocky roller coaster as she purged for the very first time. As soon as I mentioned that, I saw some girls heads shake out of disbelief, some girls covering their mouths, others almost tearing up. I continued as it got easier to explain the past years of my life and how I got to where I was at that moment and as soon as I saw some of the girls indeed wipe their eyes of tears, I knew I was exactly where I needed to be at the exact right moment. To make an impact, to make a change in some of these girls lives that it does happen and that is it not worth keeping it a secret for as long as I did. I did not obviously assume ANY of them were struggling but just the fact I touched them in a way that brought them to tears was just an unbelievable moment to witness and that maybe this was the beckon call I had been waiting for. BUT, that wasn't even THE moment I cherished throughout the talk. After I finished my segment, Dr. Festa opened the floor to any questions/thoughts/concerns about her presentation or my speech. A girl raised her hand and it was actually in regards to me. I said, yes...her words, "I just want to let you know you are beautiful and as soon as you walked through that door I thought to myself, wow, that girl is really pretty. keep going girl" *insert water works again* and another girl asked if I had a blog where they could continue to follow my journey. Unfortunately that was at a time where my blog was simply an idea but even that gesture warmed my heart tremendously. As Dr. Festa and I were cleaning up I got a tap on my shoulder and I turned around. It was one of the girls who had tears in her eyes and simply asked me for a hug. Then all of a sudden there was a line behind her, to give me a hug?! WHAT? A line to just give me a hug? Not only that...hugs turned in to wanting to take pictures and selfies together. I was in a state of shock that this was the response I was getting. I don't even know what I was really expecting after the talk was over but it was no where nearrrrr what those girls did for me. So if ya'll are reading this right now, THANK YOU. I will forever remember that day, the first day I was "on my own" and ya'll gave me the strength to move forward. As I reflect back to that day, it is helping me tremendously in this state of struggle I find myself in. Just looking at these pictures brings such an ease to my mind and smile to my face. Wish those girls the best of luck this season as they will never know what they did for me.
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| Some of the track girls! xoxo |
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| But first...let us take a selfie |
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| My girl, Dominique |
After word got out around the athletic department of the presentation myself and Dr. Festa gave, the Assistant A.D. contacted Dr. Festa saying how much the girls were raving about the "Girl Talk" and was wondering if I was coming back for more. Well, just a few weeks ago I did indeed return to UNCC and had the opportunity to speak to the Women's Softball Team.
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| UNCC Softball Team...Where's Waldo? |
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| All time favorite Rocky quote. Read this OFTEN. |
So, seeing how much I had built up to type, doubt I will be taking almost 2 weeks off again. :) See you sooner than later people!
TLC
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