Learning How To Fall But Also How To Fly

I read the phrase I chose to make the title of this post in an article the other day and kept repeating it to myself.  Learning how to fall but also how to fly.  It seemed so relevant in the time period I am in my life.  Ever since I decided to tackle this beast inside of me head on, I felt like I was free falling in to the biggest pit of the unknown. This pit had all of my insecurities floating as clouds and my negative self talk the only thing blasting on the radio.  However, I was ready to LET GO of my E.D's hand and the only thing I had to hold on to was Tracey.  I had to believe that the Tracey without an eating disorder was worthy, strong, and confident enough to keep me from the continuous fall.  I had to get to know this Tracey, learn how to like this Tracey, learn who she really was behind the mask, and accept and TRUST she will not let the demon grab hold of my hand again when I wanted to return to my comfort zone.  I have realized that throughout all of this falling, or life without my "best friend", I was learning how to fly.  Fly: First, Love, Yourself.

Think of it as sky-diving.  The person is the eating disorder and the parachute is your inner, true self.  You step on to the ledge of the plane, getting ready to take that leap of faith, trusting your parachute is going to open and help you float smoothly down to the ground.  You're scared half to death, mind and heart is racing, thinking of all the wrong that could happen but also thinking of all the right.  As you fall out of the plane, you let go of everything.  You let go of the tight grip holding you down, your mind go of everything up until that moment, and you are trusting the parachute will open at the exact second you need it to.  You are falling faster and faster, the feeling of disbelief that something so fragile, unopened, tucked away in a bag could actually save you from crashing, was getting louder.  However, the more and more you started to rely on the parachute, the more abundance and confidence you were feeding it to actually save you, started to help you live in the moment and allow yourself to look around at all of life's beauty right before you.  Your mind was starting to relax and feel at ease that you have something so powerful, so strong attached to you that you have not opened up yet but you know it's there.  You know it has always been there.  So you're starting to embrace the fall and how to believe, trust, and slow down, to not just think of this as a fall in to darkness, but a fall that has given your mind so much more power than a number on a scale, a size, an insecurity, an ugly reflection.  When the belief has become so strong, you allow for the parachute to show it's face.  You allow it to open up in to the world for the first time to show what it is capable of.  It will tug like HELL at first, giving you whip lash as it makes its full formation but that is just life's way of knowing you are strong enough to now handle it.  You are suddenly flying, soaring through the sky of all of your hopes and dreams becoming reality.  Through the turmoil of the fall, you learned how to cope with knowing there was no turning back and getting on the plane.  It was you and the parachute.  You learned how to trust it, believe in it, and look for it in a time you needed it most.  You weren't 100% sure it was going to open, but the second you let it, is the second you started to believe in the inner person you are without an eating disorder.

LOVE THIS!

We have to train our minds all over again in to thinking the inner person IS worthy enough, is great enough, is...ENOUGH to take control of our life and move it towards success and not failure.  Of course it is easier said than done but as you start to shift your mindset in to a more positive light you will see a lot of good follows.  We have to train our minds in to thinking that another day doesn't mean another battle with ourselves.  It is another blessing that we get to see how good life can really be once you believe you do have a purpose to live it.  Over the past few days, I have had moments of great purpose and it felt pretty awesome.  One of these moments came last Friday as I had a morning full of meetings, doc appts, and a spin class (with good intentions behind it).  I drove all around Charlotte thinking at some point surely I was going to get overwhelmed and suddenly feel a wave of anxiety come over me, but, it never happened.  I realized as I finally got home early afternoon everything that I had accomplished during that morning, I was actually at peace with myself.  How could this be?  How could I not have anything to criticize myself for?  Well, because, I finally allowed myself to feel that sense of peace that everything actually went fine?!  I always try and hunt for the flaws, never appreciate the good that has come out of certain situations, much like my own reflection.  One major factor that kept my mind at ease was the people I had surrounded myself with that morning.  Everyone that I saw and was around was such a positive, enlightening, inspiring individual that rubbed their contagious energy on to me.  I remember as I was riding in my spin class in between appointments that I said to myself, "I am having a good morning."  I had so much energy and pep in my step that I almost thought I was in a dream.  I can't remember the last time I allowed myself to say "I am having a good morning, a good day, a good night, etc" because if I do, I feel like the eating disorder will tell me I am being cocky, too confident in myself, conceded that I think I am getting better and show it's face more so than ever.  As I tucked away that lovely ball of sunshine I realized I just used a coping tool without even knowing it.  For a moment I recognized my negative thoughts, my shaming, my feelings and recognized them as just THAT.  They are not more powerful than ME and I let them pass on by. After I was playing tug-a-war in my mind, I realized I chose the unbeaten path to carry on with my day and not let the biatch dictate how I was going to view myself.  I felt a sense of purpose that day and sense of productivity used in the best way possible.

The second experience of purpose came this past Monday where I started off my morning with not only a great workout (again, with good intentions) but with another "Girl Talk" speaking engagement at UNCC with the Women's Soccer Team.  Coming off of a pretty good weekend, I was actually excited for this Monday morning.  I have tried making Monday's my rest day from the gym but I had too much energy as I woke up at the butt-crack of dawn to waste.  I did a few strength circuits then got my cardio in as I am sure you can guess how.  As "Heart Of A Champion" by Nelly was playing during class, it took me back to college, specifically to basketball warm-ups, when I would be getting mentally focused on the game, sizing up the competition, having one goal in my mind and that was to win.  Fast forward to the present moment, everything I thought during warm ups was so relative to that day because I was focused on the day ahead, sizing up the competition which was myself, and having one goal in mind to win against the beast.  I was going to live that day with a purpose and not lose sight of the ultimate goal in staying in recovery.  It was then that my mind was set in its place to have a successful day.  After I received that huge adrenaline rush, I showed up to UNCC to speak to the soccer team about collegiate athletes and body image and again, my story.  I went deep.  I went deep in to emotions, to past triggers, and to the very first time I binged and purged.  I told them how my E.D. controlled every practice, every game, every college situation I was dealt and how I finally faced this awful illness in its eyes.  I told them how I was feeling in that exact present moment and why I was sitting down instead of standing up.  Although I had a great workout earlier that morning, my body image was and is still SHIT.  So, I told them instead of drawing more attention to my body, I am more comfortable sitting down in front you so you are not staring at my flaws, my fat, my love handles, my "I don't look like I workout" body.  I was completely honest, authentic, unmasked in the thoughts my mind was feeding me and the voice I am learning to LET GO of and fly.  I made eye contact with a lot of them as I shared my struggles and strengths and connected with them on a more intimate level than just being a collegiate athlete.  We were all family in that room.  We all were women living in today's society were body image is so loud and to feel accepted meant having an acceptable body.  It's a tough world out there but I hope by sharing my journey, taking the steps I knew I needed to get better, being open and vulnerable, I shed some light that there is life far beyond what your eyes see in the mirror or on a scale.  After we wrapped up, the accomplishment and purpose and authenticity I felt was a sure sign that maybe things are on one of the highest upward slopes in years.  To the UNCC Women's Soccer Team, thank you.  You all are rockstars and wish you the best of luck this season!

Lastly, during the past 24 hours, I have honestly been on an emotional roller coaster.  While starting this post, I was replaying all of these scenarios in my mind and a part of me wanted to "fall" again to see if I really was strong enough to fly.  I started to talk myself out of the good and focus on the bad because I felt like "too much good" was happening.  It sucks that truthfully, "too much good" is triggering because it is uncomfortable.  It is something I am not used to and we all know we love to stay in our comfort zones.  I am just now allowing myself to feel these moments of purpose but it's like I am quickly reminded this is an everyday process.  I met up with a friend yesterday morning for coffee and he put so much in to perspective that life is so much bigger than the self destructive criticism I give myself.  Why do I dwell so much on that?  WHY?  As we were talking, I was in the midst of helping a friend from support group through a tough morning.  She texted me she needed support to get through the day.  Although I was kind of in a funk myself, by helping her, she was helping me snap out of the fall my mind was in and to see how harsh our minds can be towards ourselves by what she was saying.  This girl is beautiful, how can she be saying that about herself?  Oh wait, I say it too.  EW!  My positive affirmations to her weren't me "masking" how I was truly feeling, trying to be strong for her, it just helped me see from a different angle how cruel our minds can be and wasting a harsh moment of life believing in those thoughts is NOT WORTH IT, just LET IT GO.  As I sipped my coffee, my friend brought up the perfect comparison, and EUREKA moment, to those three little words, let. it. go, to the scene in "Finding Nemo" where Dory and Marlin are stuck in the whale's mouth.  What happened when Marlin finally swallowed his fear and was strong enough to let go, trusted Dory had his best intentions in mind along with his own?  They made it out of the whale's mouth and back in to their free land. *Hello from the other side*   I didn't know what was going to happen when I finally let go of my darkest secret but I did, and it has truly been a life blessing that I did.  So I ask you, what would happen if you let go of your darkest fear? your darkest secret? your self judgement?  Would you continue to fall....or would you learn how to fly?

Stay Fly my friends,
TLC