Tracey The CPA, if you will...

Friday gotcha feelin' like....

Got that DUB last night in indoor volleyball!

Wellllllll hello there.  So, this one probably took me the longest to write, basically all week because I would again... start, stop, read, delete, try again, sleep on it, start, stop, read, continue, stop, delete...over and over again because that is basically how my mind has been going the past few days, errrr, weeks.  Do I really want to talk about my speaking engagements at UNCC right now?  Is this coming from an authentic place?  Why can I not just write in the moment with whatever IIIIII want to write about instead of going ahead and planning out the next few posts.  I'm starting to put a time line on myself again, like okay I am going to post on Tuesday at 9am, omg it's 8:30 and I am still typing, omg, 8:57, cool I have all of this unwanted anxiety now over something no one was pressuring to do?..then... I am going to start writing again on Friday, I will do this Saturday, etc. and if I don't meet those goals, I start questions my productivity and how I have been realllly managing my time (sure others can relate?).  So since every single person reading this was expecting me to post on Tuesday, sense obviously in my mind you did, I feel like I should apologize for keeping you waiting, like, MY BAD I didn't plan my schedule around yours.  Really?  I am starting that again?  In like my first few post I said verbatim that is not the point I want to get with this blog, OMG I HAVE TO POST TODAY, YOU ARE EXPECTING THAT OF ME!  Well, that is where the name of this post comes in to play.  I am holding myself accountable for going against my own word and as you will soon find out, a lot more other stuff.  So this is my definition of an accountant, a CPA if you will.  Someone who is staying true and accountable for their actions when it didn't line up with their values/game plan.  Anybody want to pay an an accountant's salary because that would be aweeeesome! (bet my brother, who is a real CPA, love this)  Sure I wanted to talk about my experience talking to a few UNCC sports teams (women's athletic teams to be exact about my battle with an ED) but now, right now, just isn't the right time if I am my own new found accountant. It became hard to continue to really grab the passion I had behind the talks as I first started to write about them, the vulnerability I showed in-front of those collegiate athletes, those GOOD moments I was having because, it is hard to talk about a good memory when you're not really in that same good mind-set.  Coffee with a good friend came at a perfect time as she helped me realize why it became so hard to type.  She helped me realize that if I did talk about my speaking engagements, would I be putting up my "mask" again by typing all of these fun and exciting things trying to get in a good mood,  when in reality, it's not what I am experiencing right now.  So like before, if you came with the intentions of reading about my talks, I am saving that for when I get THIS all off my chest first.  Eek, sorry, or, actually I'm not.  No more planning out these posts, saying what is coming next, because that's not living in the moment.  This post however, sure as hell is.  *just going to go ahead and say thank you to whoever is sticking with me throughout this crazy ass journey of mine because as you can see, you never know what you're really going to get with me lol omg, did I just scare you? um, just kiddin then, hi im single.

In treatment we learned that recovery is going to be a upward spiral motion.  So if you think about it, you go up, up , up, thennnn maybe start going down, down, down, OOOHP, and then we're going up and up again, ah damn, then down, doooown again BUT the constant direction is always moving upwards, at least that is the goal.  Well, I am unfortunately on the down slope of that spiral motion, and feel like I have been for about 2 or so weeks.  When am I going to start going up again?  Yes my last post about hitting 10,000 views was a damn good moment, a proud moment of the progress I have made and how many lives have cared enough to click on my journey but that word "moment" is pretty dead on.  I am only having split moments of good, of "okay I can do this, everything is going to be okay" then the very next moment is bad...and that moment stays, stays for the rest of the day, throughout the night, and into the next morning.  I've watched that video maybe once or twice because the very second I hit play, I just started analyzing every move I was making and every UM I said and wishing I said this instead of that and blah blah BLAH!!  I even got depressed and almost mad the next day about the video and talked to my roommate about it.  It's sad to say that by watching the video of me looking happy was triggering.  It was uncomfortable watching me be happy and talking with a smile on my face and being REAL because that feeling is so new to me, being sad and depressed is what's comfortable, and we all like comfortable, so, I went back to my safe haven of being sad.  Why did I let people think I was happy and that I am doing well and that 10,000+ people have viewed my blog, I started thinking it was self-centered and conceded of me to do. O-M-G TRACEY.  Sure some people would love to slap me in the face right about now and say ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME.  Sorry people, just keepin' it real in the mind of TLC.  Yes I preached in my third post that you have a choice, every second of the day to make it a bad or good one.  Clearly that whole "practice what you preach" talk is very, very true.  What has triggered this constant battle in just trying to stay afloat and not let relapse happen?  If I could pin point it, obviously I would be in a better place but I can't.  It's not just ONE thing that pushed me down this flight of stairs that I am trying to climb back up.  It's LIFE.  LIFE has happened.  A game of tug-a-war has happened.  I feel like I am on the side that is about to fall into the pit of mud in the middle but fightin' like hell to pull in the opposite direction.  I feel as though I am no where near the person who started this blog.  The girl who was so strong, fearless, and confident to share something so unbelievably personal because she was ready to start living her life as God had intended, to learn how to be vulnerable and not always have a forced smile on her face because "EVERYDAY IS A GOOD DAY, NO TROUBLES HERE."  It is almost like a thick sheet of fog has engulfed my road to recovery.

One afternoon last week I went to Starbucks not with the intentions of necessarily writing a blog post, but to just empty my head of every little thought that came to mind to see what came out.  I had sooooo much boggled (I hope that's the right word to use here) up in my head and I just wanted to let it out and typing is the only way I knew how.  WOW.  Talk about A.D.D of the mind, I started thinking faster than I could type, some of the words and phrases not making ANY sense, but after about 3 hours, I felt better.  There was a sense of relief now seeing what word vomit (unusual choice of word I chose, ha) came from my head that was stuck in there, wanting to come out but my "mask" was back on and my E.D had been present.  Why don't I just call a friend, meet up with a friend, go for a walk, do SOMETHING in order to have that sense of relief instead of keeping it stored in my mind and waiting to go to Starbucks to type it out, because no good comes from that.  Folks, I wish I could.  I realllly wish I could.  I wish it were that easy.  That is almost like telling me to just STOP having an eating disorder.  Whenever I have those bad moments/days/thoughts I learned all of these other tools to use, so many friends that have reached out to let me know they are there if I ever need anything, but, it is just so HARD.  The effort that it takes to get out of that bad bubble to either call someone or go for a walk is almost like the effort it takes to climb Mt Everest.  It's not that easy to just pick up the phone and call a friend to talk this out. Oh but heyyyyy let me talk this out with the whole world by starting a blog. :)  Well, I can say as I am typing this right now (not ALL of this but most) Friday, 11:30am, it's been a good day so far, even though for all my Charlotteans reading this we haven't seen the sun in about 10 days!!!  

Okay, Starbucks.  The first word that came to mind after going back and reading what I had just typed out was, harsh, or maybe disgust would be better.  I couldn't believe some of the things I said about myself and how I viewed the person I was in that very moment.  It almost felt like I blacked out while getting everything out and barely even remembered typing some of the things I did.  And holding up for just one second, I want to elaborate more on that and pin point some major self awareness.  I started to see a red flag waving in the air as my memory was fading again when I just thought I was having A LOT of blonde moments.  It is so frustrating and hard remembering a lot of things lately and I knew this feeling all too well.  In some therapy sessions I couldn't even think of simple words when trying to explain a certain event, then when Dr. Festa would think of it for me, I would forgot even where I was going with that sentence.  I would forget a thought within 10 seconds when I needed those 10 seconds to just grab a pen to write it down, scrolling back up in a conversation while texting with a friend because I couldn't remember what we were talking about, and even forgetting where I was driving when I got in my car.  That's when I knew my brain wasn't getting NEARLY enough nutrients to work.  I was back to starving my brain, literally and figuratively.  Scary.  Back to Starbucks, I went back to read my last post and looked back at my notebook where I have kept a lot of the worksheets/notes from there to remember everyyyything I had learned and to realize hey, cut yourself some damn slack.  One thing that stuck out was mentioning my talk with my mom of starting to say I am going to start respecting myself instead of loving myself because it just seems more attainable at the time.  Looking back at the list I typed, ha respect?  There was NOOOOO Aretha Franklin saving me.  However, it did help brighten the light to snap out of the trance I put myself in.  So being the CPA that I am, I am accountable for having my ED take over my thoughts and letting them stay.  Inviting ED back in for a slumber party that never ends.  *DEEP BREATH*  So, huge step for me right here, I am going to share a few phrases I typed during my rant at Starbucks (no I don't have to, do you care to read? maybe, maybe not, is this embarrassing? yes, but, honestly, in a weird way, this helps.... 3,2,1.)

wouldn't it be nice to just throw on a pair of jeans and a tshirt and not want to crawl out of your skin? will lose fitting clothes/gym clothes be my forever wardrobe to try and hide every inch of skin i can because my body doesn't deserve to be seen.

when will i stop lifting up my shirt every morning and looking in the mirror, pinching my stomach, my waist, my arms, when will i look in the mirror and smile and not want to cry because bc my cheeks look fat.

do i even look like i work out? do people look at me and think im just a big boned girl or do they think "man, i bet that girl workouts all of the time" 

when will i be freakin' grateful of the life and family I DO HAVE and stop loathing in self pity. Jesus Tracey, things could be so much worse and you know it but you're being so selfish thinking its all about you and that everyone is thinking and looking at you, your mom is your best friend and family that is so incredibly supportive in more ways than one, just stop, stop stop stop stop stop.

wouldn't it be nice if we could walk in to our closet and be able to put on ANYTHING you wanted and not scared about what it will look like or how it may fit from the last time you wore it?  i can't even look at some of the clothes i bought last year because ive already made up in my mind that couldn't possibly fit over my butt and waist now! i wonder if i can even fit into the leggings i wore last week, i bet theyre going to be tighter

wouldn't it be nice to no care what a photo looks like of you and not filter the shit out of it or HAVE THAT PHOTO DICTATE HOW YOU VIEW YOURSELF!!

will i ever have that companionship with someone or will i be known as the "sick" girl for the rest of my life and no guy would want to bring on THIS on top of me alone, is it just me?  did i totally just shoot myself in the foot by putting this on blast, what if mr right is reading this right now and then totally turned to mr wrong because this is waaaaay too much for him to handle

how did i go 68 days eating 6 times a day, i can barely allow myself to feel the slightest bit of full now.

when can i stop ONLY wearing and shopping  for elastic band pants and not be scared as hell of button pants, when will sizes not matter as long as i am comfortable in the piece of clothing?  can i please just stop comparing myself to every single girl around me wishing for their body 

when will i start seeing ME for ME when I look in the mirror.  when do you know that the body you are looking at in the mirror is your REAL body and not a skewed version of it", at what point are you really looking at the exact body you have and not a "fatter" "skinnier" version of it

why does my body dictate how my mood will be for the day

....to a name a "few".  So, anyone else thinking of similar scenarios, obviously you are not alone.  Notice anything they all have in common?....Bueller?....Bueller?.....  my physical appearance.  Could I sound any more self centered?  WHY, WHYYYY do I care SO much about my appearance and how others perceive me.  Why is body image so extremely loud, almost the loudest it has ever been and so unbelievably uncomfortable in my skin I just want to scream.  Professionals say that body image is the last thing to go and it could very well get worse before it gets better.  We all have our THINGS when we look in the mirror, we all have a certain body image of ourselves, and this is mine.  I can shout til I'm blue in the face, someone can yell it to me until they are blue in the face, that your outward appearance says NOTHING about the person you are on the inside.  Not to sound morbid but a girl in group the other night brought up a good point, do you want written on your tombstone "Here lies Tracey, who had a decent body" or "Here lies Tracey, damn that girl had an awesome personality, fun, loving, caring, authentic, goal-oriented, smart, witty, hard-working, companion."  Makes ya think.  It just sucks the thoughts an eating disorder puts into your mind that the way you LOOK will never be enough.  It all starts by being the coping skill you use to rid you of you anxiety and depression and whatever else then it blames it all on how you look, not your personality.  So you mean to tell me the past 8 years I have been brainwashed in to thinking appearance is why I have/had an eating disorder?  To learn how to fight through the battles of my reflection to feel wanted and accepted?  COOL!  Glad I could be here for something.  While I know this all sounds crazy and pleaseeeee not for one second ever believe I think I am or need to be this drop dead gorgeous girl because obviously we see how much self confidence I am lacking, I just wish my mind would stopppppp with these mind games and irrelevant thoughts that appearance is everything.  It's just so bizarre this mask/eating disorder/um, bitch?/whatever you want to call it, comes and goes however it pleases and I let it.  It is literally like someTHING that just takes over my mind and body on certain days.  It sucks because I have had so many great things happen over the past few weeks but took them for granted because I was so far into my head that I was blinded by the fun and memories that were being made right infront of me.

If I'm not working, you'll find me in "sweatpants, hair tied, chillin with no make up on" and I don't think it's the kind that Drake was finding attractive and not one ounce of me wanting to try and fix myself up.  Even when I do get dressed up, I still see a different Tracey than before, a Tracey that I thought was prettier and a Tracey that is going back to old habits and not being proud of herself, not being confident in herself for all the progress she has made.  I'm back to the negative self talk I had before I went to treatment, and unfortunately, I am back to slipping on a few behaviors that I thought I had a good hold on.  I wouldn't say I have relapsed, because I know in my heart and soul I am stronger than the person I was when I was deep in my ED but I am just at a setback right now and maybe let's just say for my athletes out there, I have been benched and taking it day by day in how to get back in the starting line up.  One plus?  I am holding myself accountable and I am a G.D CPA of my own battle right now.  Because now looking how this post started to now, it has come apparent that I am already getting better by THIS.  By typing THIS out loud, to the public, being me in this moment when a few months ago, there was no way in helllllll I would do this.  By holding myself accountable, this gives me all the hope in the world I am not going to let this thing beat me again.  I have come way too far to let that demon show its full face again.  

A few other things that I have held myself accountable for is, well the first one is a huge one, is I finally came clean with my therapist.  Yea, I wasn't even being REAL with Dr. Festa, a woman who has been there with me since day ONE about a year and a half ago.  The mask was up again that I had to show her that I have been doing well, that I haven't slipped, that I'm not over exercising, and that I am in a good place.  I couldn't let her down so I kept up this confident persona when in all reality, I was hurting.  Come on, Trace.  Not this again.  So when I met with her this week, I told her everything.  Eating disorders THRIVE in secrecy and I knew it was slowly getting to that point again so I put a stop to it quick.  Which, I am very proud of myself for.  Second, I held myself accountable with my parents.  Obviously they were not pleased to here what I had been doing but are still helping me tackle this work in progress every day.  Last, came clean to my support group I attend every week.  I have really connected with the girls in there and for me to sit there and be so open and vulnerable for the first time in that group and tell them what had really been going on, it felt soooo good because these were girls that knew EXACTLY how I was feeling while some outsiders do not.   

Okay, so I just paused and re-read what I already have wrote.  Anyone else getting tired of reading how hard I'm being on myself and the self pity?  Well, I am. Even though it's good I am sharing what I am accountable for but, let's here some damn good stuff shall we?  BECAUSE IT'S FRIDAY!!!!  The fact that I do have a choice every moment of every day to dictate how I will use it is really getting louder in my head right meow as I have just released a LOT of the nasty out.  I'm like wait a tic, sure I've struggled but how much stronger do I feel now that I am realizing it and owning up to it?  That I need to focus on the good that I HAVE done and good times that I HAVE had.  So here's what I am going to do to end this post because I am ready to turn this around.  I am just going to start listing GOOD things that I am grateful for and that have happened in the past few weeks and wrap my head around those memories and not everything I have "failed" at.  ANNNNND, GO:

1.  I was there when my future sister-in-law said YES TO THE DRESS!  I got to see her face light up with love and sparkle in her eyes as she twirled around in-front of the mirror just like every girl dreams of that she found THE dress to marry my brother in.  Let me tell you, it's GORG.

The future Mrs. Croner :)

2.  I helped co-host one of my best friend's engagement party!

They got engaged in Paris so had these cookies made for party favors.

3.  I challenged myself and wore a tank top or cut off a few times to a workout.  Not only do I love and respect these two powerful instructors, but also my BC instructor who has helped me physically and mentally through this process. :)  (plan to dedicate a post to my relationship with fitness past and present and will go into more detail about the tops)

Two of the best....that truly make it FUN.

4.  Instead of acting on a behavior one night I called my best friend from home and we ended up talking for about 30 minutes just as if we were back in HS wondering what to wear tomorrow (LOVE YOU.)
5.  I am grateful for a text my mom sent me on a day I was really struggling: "I am right there on your shoulder 24/7, WE'VE got this"
6.  I am grateful for a supportive email my dad sent me
7.  I am so so so grateful for a new found friendship with a woman who attends the same fitness studio as me and we have connected on very similar struggles.  We ended up going on a  hike over the weekend.  The all around trip was about 4 hours and there was not one moment of silence!  And talk about seeing signs, as soon as we got to the peak of the mountain, I got out my phone to take pics and as soon as I went to snap, my phone died.  Funny thing is, is that it was on about 40% right before I snapped.  My interpretation was that God was telling me to LIVE IN THE MOMENT, be present, capture everything only the eyes can see and maybe by looking at life from a different view, your troubles won't seem that big.  That very moment was something I had been hoping would happen.  I was looking over miles of trees, wildlife, nature, taking it all in and could only see Charlotte's skyline in the very distant.  It was like I was looking at my life.  My struggles are something so small in the distant that I am not taking the time to look at the bigger picture, that this life is pretty awesome.

We grabbed breakfast and have always been terrified to post a food pic, buuuut F it, I did, and this was SO GOOD.

8.  I reconnected with an old college friend one Friday night and it was SO.MUCH.FUN.
9.  Grateful that I have an awesome volleyball team that I am a part of and our daily group chats that leave a constant smile on my face...or sometimes a WTF/awkward face. HA
10.  I am grateful for my family and all the support they continue to give me.
11.  I am grateful for all my friends who continue to put up with me :) and for the continued support and especially to one who sent me this EPIC meme after my last post about the dreadful salon chair and that I'm not alone in that feeling LOL:

12.  Had a really good start to my day yesterday morning with a homemade breakfast with two of my girlfriends celebrating one of their birthdays!

HOW 'BOUT THEM 7-0 PANTHERS!!!

13.  Weird ending on "lucky #13" and sure this list could go on, see lookie there, me admitting this list of good/grateful things could go ON, but sparing you already enough time in reading, one really great moment(s) happened this morning when checking out one of my guy friend's newly built home and having coffee.  We've known each other for a few years now and even though we don't see each other often, he's always been one of those guys that we can just pick up on a conversation as if we DID see eachother all the time, having funny/awkward moments that only him and I get, checking in and seeing what's been going on, and just an all out great guy.  The moment he asked the simple question of, so how am I doing?, just really made me even second guess posting all the "bad" stuff I did at the beginning of the post because I realized, Tracey, you got some pretty amazing people around you.

So how about that for a Friday post.  I may even sound like two totally different people throughout this one but it is because I am choosing this moment, this day, this second to be grateful, grateful for the thunderstorms and sunny days I have been through because it is only making me a stronger person in the end.  I know it.  Who knows what tomorrow is going to bring, next week, a few months from now, but I just need to start living for the day and not the tomorrows.

Til next time, 
TLC