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| #preach |
So my friends, I have started, deleted, started, deleted this post about 3 times now. Slept on this a few nights then would start over the next morning. I have skipped through about 20 songs trying to find the right vibe I want to listen to while writing, can't find a comfy position on this couch thing, and trying to position and adjust my yoga pants around my waistline where I feel like everything is tucked in (you know those awkward movements) because I really don't know how to start this. So I am about to be real, vulnerable, authentic as I have learned, (yes, hello Tracey, have you read your blog?) about why this is so hard yet should be kind of easy if I am just telling MY story and not have to sit in a library for hours doing research. So, what's going on in my world that I am so uncomfortable with right now. Well, honestly, it's because I've been struggling. I've been struggling with life back home, being in recovery, getting back in to the swing of things, keeping up an authentic persona and being my true self, being triggered and not saying anything, not allowing myself to "feel" and show emotion, just showing that everything is fine. I feel like I have been so focused on recovery that I was blinded to the world that was going on around me and realizing I was/am getting back in to the hamster wheel I was once in. My daily focus and every decision I make goes through a serious of questions in my mind, while this help me live out my values? does this make me happy? Am I doing this for ME or to please someone else? Will I be triggered, is this an anxious setting? Will this make me want to scratch myself out of my skin? Can I handle this? So is this how it is going to be forever, this wheel? I am always going to be shooting off a list of questions with every move and decision I make? It can't be. I have a bucket list to get to. I want to pack up, take out my life savings, and travel the world...not travel on this wheel of the never-ending cycle of always wondering the what ifs, the should's, the wondering, the hurt and pain... Everything in Denver seemed so easy now that I look back on it because I was ALL IN. I was away from all the chaos that was surrounding me at home and was thousands of miles away able to recharge my mind and learn how to deal with all the chaos, anxiety, depression in HEALTHY ways and not kill my body while doing it.
The amount of messages and support I have received thus far through this blog is seriously so unbelievably overwhelming and could never imagine MY story would touch so many people in a positive way. Ya'll will never know how much that has helped me stay focused and take care of myself and hope I have given some inspiration to others to do the same with whatever internal battle life has dealt you. So why am I struggling then? I'm allowing my mind to take over again. I'm scared I have put way too many expectations on myself AGAIN to stay in recovery, to not mess up, to continue on this path of being real and authentic with people, to be back to that "Tracey" everyone knew before all this mess. But who was that Tracey? Did people like that Tracey better? Is this Tracey boring, too therapy-driven, not fun, not enough? I feel like the mask is trying to work its way back up my face that everything is now 100% fine in my life. That I am recovered! That I have no struggles anymore, I am happy and happy with myself. Truth is, I'm not. Last week just wasn't good to say the least, not with my daily activities but my mind, body, and spirit just weren't in a good place. I am still looking in the mirror, judging every inch of skin (in my mind, fat) on my body, convincing my mind I have gained weight, I am scared to death to try on any fall/winter clothes from last year because I'm petrified they won't fit anymore so I stay in gym clothes as much as possible until I HAVE to get dressed and then I will just throw on a jersey dress, leggings, tights, anything that I don't have to put on over my waist from last year (anybody else with me on that one?). I'm the person who still doesn't know what she truly wants as a career and for that, I am finally holding myself accountable for slowly slipping back into someone who I don't want to be again. The girl who pleased everyone before herself, making everyone else happy because I don't deserve to be and don't know how to be, the girl who was scared to be vulnerable because she would be judged, the girl who always had to look "put together" on the outside but falling apart on the inside. I found myself recently going out more, drinking more, using behaviors more, which I hadn't been since being home and I have been hiding it because I want to "act" like even though I am in recovery, I'm better.
I woke up this past Sunday morning hungover, pissed at myself for having fun, for drinking more than I should, for shaming the person I am, all of that separation anxiety and depression you get after a night of drinking, because I told myself I wasn't going to do that anymore. I can't do that anymore because sure, everyone has awful hangovers but someone who has dealt with major anxiety and depression issues, it's bad...really bad. Am I falling back into my trap I made for myself? It's almost like I get pissed for people seeing me happy because I automatically think that they think I am 100% cured, that I don't struggle with an ED anymore, that I am finally the person who I was meant to be. Not saying anyone is saying that in their heads but why should I be mad for finally allowing myself to have a good time while still being in recovery? This is where the perfectionist piece comes in to play again. I feel like I am failing at recovery if I have a good time, out with friends, having a few drinks, snapping a few photos. I am failing at recovery because I still have bad days. I still have bad days where I use behaviors (not NEARLYYYYY as bad as before, and obviously pray everyday I never do it again), I still don't love my body, not comfortable in my own skin, criticizing every picture that my friends and I take and hating every one, needing to sweat and workout everyday (again, not NEARLYYYY as bad as before, and quit frankly, I am loving my new relationship with exercise thanks to some of the best in the industry in Charlotte, you know you who you are :) ) and just not knowing the Tracey I want to be and where I want to go with her.
And this is where the post really starts, after all of that venting, talking with my amazinggggg therapist, my friend who took me through a one on one yoga practice (amazing), going back through all my notes and journal entries from Denver, I needed to remind myself.... THAT EVERYTHING IS OKAY. My lord, am I hard on myself or what?! My therapist, Dr. Festa, who I will be mentioning a lot as my future posts continue, helped me realize how CRAZY the certain timing points that happen in my life. For starters, ERC having an opening on my birthday to enter treatment, to when my parents came to see me, and one that I will mention in my next post, my first public speaking engagement at UNCC that came the very next day as I "graduated" from a treatment I was in when I got back home, and to NOW for what I am going to talk about in this post. I am going to tell ya'll what I learned out in Denver, all the AH-HA moments I had, because reflecting back on what I learned helped spark that light back in my mind to get refocused and back on track in the way I was when I first got home, with a clear mind and doing what makes ME happy in my life. As I was looking back on all the tools I learned out there to practice in situations just like this, to get more material to talk about, I was like O.M.G (like totes crazy) is this Gods way of reminding myself of EVERYTHING that I have learned and that yes, I will still have ups and downs but just remember you have tools now to help get past those dark moments, that I HAVE made huge progress in my recovery since freakin' May! There is NO PERFECT WAY to "do recovery". You don't "do recovery." It is not a test you are graded on. It is about living out your values and learning how to cope with those rough days and instead of turning to food to help you deal with it, learn to turn to breathing exercises, a walk outside, meditation, calling a friend, acknowledging the THOUGHTS you are having and realizing they are just THOUGHTS, they will pass. So what are these tools/AH-HA moments/self reflections that I learned while I was out there? Well, it's hard to say everrrrything because quit frankly, I learned something every single day, but these 5 things are the ones that really stuck out and help me continue in the mindset I am in today. I want to focus on all the good that came out of my being there because THAT is what helps me live the life I want to be in and in the body God gave me. So although I was planning on taking you through specific days and more of our daily routines at ERC, taking a little different approach that helps me NOW, in the present moment. Enjoy:
My Takeaways of ERC:
1. Do you remember in my second post, "Here Goes Nothing," I briefly mentioned near the end that all of this could have started as early as age 5(ish)? Never having a family therapist before, I thank God everyday for pairing me with one of the BEST FT in the biz, because she helped me dig deep, and I mean waaay deep in to my family relationships and discover things I never even imagined were connected to my E.D and other struggles. As I have stated in a previous post, I grew up with an older brother who had Cerebral Palsy and unfortunately lost him about 3 years ago this Thanksgiving to his severe battle with it. Well that was something I never even thought about that triggered my mind at such a young age. I have always been a very observant person and seeing the stress and heartache at times my parents went through raising a special needs child, I never wanted to be a burden to them on top of that. So as early as maybe around 5, I already had it in my head that I want to be this "perfect daughter", to never mess up, to never have them worry about me that I will always do the right thing, so they can take care of Keith. I would play sports and had to be the best so my parents wouldn't have to worry if their child was good enough to play, I had to be good in school, have a lot friends, make them proud of me because they were already going through enough. Well as we all know, there is no perfect daughter. I put so many expectations on myself to indeed be perfect and when I felt like I would fail, I would get so depressed and so mad that I failed my parents and add on more heartache to the already amounts they had. I always wanted praise from my parents and reminders from them that I was doing the right things. Even when they said I don't have to be perfect, I wouldn't believe them and would bust my ass even more because obviously that meant I wasn't. I NEVER put those two and two together that my perfectionism really did start so so so young in age and just always had that mentality until today that I had to be their perfect little angel for them to accept me and not be a burden. This was hard on my parents and other brother to understand and to believe that is how my mind worked but, sadly, it was true. We/I am more open and honest with expressing feelings and emotions and how to continue to be a tight-knit family. Luckily, God gave me one of the best families I could ever ask for while going through this transition in life and continue to share an unbreakable bond no matter what this crazy world throws at us. Having that said, my parents came and visited me in Denver and they went through a three day workshop to get a better understanding of what a child with an E.D. goes through and just more about the disorder itself. BEYONDDDDD thankful and grateful they came out and saw my "home away from home." I know BOTH my brothers were there in spirit. And even though I am not "a perfect daughter", they remind me in their own ways I am perfect to them. That is all that matters.
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| The Croner's Do Denver. |
2. Being authentic and building authentic friendships. This is basically where I learned to take down the mask and realize, you know what? Maybe this Tracey chick isn't half that bad. I was surrounded by girls who were going through some of the exact same feelings and thoughts and emotions as I was and I was finally at a place where I didn't have to hide it. I was at a safe place to talk about those bad days, bad thoughts, having an eating disorder, the crazy sick things I would do, how twisted my mind was. I was trying so hard to be the "perfect patient" because I just trained myself to never mess up all of these years. I had to follow all the rules at all times and be perfect because people like perfect people and I had to be liked by all. Tracey, honey... STOP. I can't tell you how many times I got told by my medical team to stop being the "perfect patient". My primary gave me a phrase I tell myself almost everyday and still have it posted in my journal on the day she gave it to me, "choose discomfort over regret" by the brilliant Brene Brown.
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| Me and Miss NYU on my last night in Denver. <3 |
The more and more I let my mask down and let others in to the real Tracey in that present moment, the more I realized how much I value friends, and relationships, and connections and was so blind to see them for what they were really worth before. Not saying my relationships and friendships now were at all fake but just how much I truly, truly value having true, authentic, friends that surrounded me in Denver as well in CLT. So again, choosing discomfort over regret. In my case, I learned that even though it is uncomfortable showing a vulnerable side sometimes, it will ALWAYS outweigh the regret of missing out on getting to know some pretty awesome people in this world for being your true self.
3. Perfect segway into #3. Another AH-HA moment my family therapist, primary therapist, and myself got to the root of...and something I have always thouuuught about but never thought THAT could be the reason for some of the mind tricks I played on myself, and it is still hard for me to accept for some reason even though I preached about it in my third post is that...(eek) I fear rejection. That's it. I.fear.rejection. I thought, well I do, doesn't everybody? But I thought I just feared failure, to not accomplish every goal I set for myself or expectation. NO. All of this comes back to rejection. Why am I always the "yes" person, always having to be or act perfect, follow all the rules, to morph into someone else instead of being myself to be "accepted", to try and be the perfect daughter and girlfriend once upon a time. It all came down to the fear of being rejected. How could I fear that my own family would reject me if I wasn't perfect, my friends, myself if I'm not this perfect person I see looking back at me. Well, I don't know thaaat part, but for them to help me realize why I am always so damn hard on myself it all became clear, I am scared to death of someone rejecting me and that feeling of failing at whatever I did to be rejected. Is that why I am scared to "flirt" with guys, make sure I am saying the perrrrfect thing or just being enough for them to want to get to know me more? Because I fear I will be rejected by every guy I may feel the slightest bit of attraction to, so let me just stay single because that's what I know, that's what I am comfortable with. Let me say yes to everyone, so everyone will always invite me places and want to be around me because I don't want to be rejected by someone not liking the person I REALLY am. Let me be the best player on the court so off the court I won't be rejected as someone who wasn't that good. Let me be in the popular crowd so I won't know what it feels like to be rejected by the "cool kids", when really, what if just being me was and is enough. Okay, you get it. That was a HUGEEEEE AH-HA moment as I remember saying it out loud for the first time while I was out there. Like, really? Damn, this life thing is hard people!!
4. Learning that my relationship with food is not the cause of my eating disorder. I knew it couldn't be juuuust about food because when would that even start BUT it happened the very moment that I either looked in the mirror and didn't like what I saw on the inside and outside, judged a size of clothing, judged a bad thought I was having thinking I wasn't good enough, not liking the path my life was on, etc. What can I do to take away these uncomfortable thoughts/feelings/emotions? Well, there are tons of ways, unfortunately, my "way" was binging/purging on food because of that relief I would feel afterwards to get all of those negative thoughts out of my mind because I would be so relieved from an empty stomach that I would focus on that and not a life scenario I was in. Others turn to alcohol, drugs, exercise, yoga, meditation, isolating, talking it out, or just swallowing it and moving on. It just SUCKED because the "thing" I turned to, the "thing" that became my coping mechanism and addiction was something that you have to have to live on and that you are surrounded by on a daily basis. For others, maybe stay away from the gym that day, or don't go to a bar, or don't isolate yourself and go hang out with friends if that brings you relief, but food, you have to have food to live. BY ALL MEANS, I am not and will neverrrrr say those other ways are easier because lord knows everyone has their own battle and own ways to cope, and go through other types of treatment much like I did. But damn, I had to choose food. I never really thought about it like that until many sessions with my dietitian and other group sessions that wow, it has nothing to do with my relationship with food, it's my relationship with myself and how I view myself as a person and how I cope with those unwanted feelings of anxiety, depression, stress. Huh, interesting.
5. Last but not least (and I say that very loosely) and this is something that they reiterated to us while we were out there and something I had/have to keep reminding myself as well, is just because you entered treatment, by all no means, are you going to be automatically recovered, cured of all illness and bad thoughts and bad days and that you are just going to 100% CURED, CONGRATS GIRLFRIEND! Wouldn't that just be lovely if that IS how it worked? I had coffee with one of the greatest guys I know this morning and I was discussing my recent struggles to him. I think he nailed it when he said "there isn't a shot someone can give you to be better the next day." I was like OMG, so using that. :) I learned that treatment isn't about "curing" you of your disorder, it is about teaching and learning how to cope with your unwanted feelings in a healthier way than the tools you were using, to TRUST THE PROCESS of your time here and really listen and learn to what we teach you. We went through many, many groups about relapse prevention and recovery skills to set us up for as much success as possible when we were ready to take a second whack at life wherever that plane ride home landed. They made us learn and know what our values are. Before now, I couldn't even tell you what a "life value" was and how to live a valued driven life because my values were how long could I spend in the gym, how and where can I eat and get rid of food, to live a perfect life. Uh, what? Yea. Promise I have an education. Just our minds are some powerful, powerrrrrful things and totally underestimated how much it really took over my life. I am happy to say I now have a list of values that I remind myself of every day and with every decision I make (although some I do regret since being home) but it's all a learning process. Remember, I had this THING for 8 years. It is not going to be 100% cured with a few months of treatment and rigorous therapy.
So, am I recovered? No. I am in recoverY and it will be continued work on my end to stay that way. (kind of like if you break your ACL, you go through surgery/physical therapy treatment, learning how to cope with this injury and doing other things than by playing your sport to live out your values everyday, thank you, Dr. Festa :) ) Do I have a career? My dream job? No. But after reflecting on this time and seeing all the progress I HAVE made, I am realizing maybe I am exactly where I need to be. I have a MUCH better mindset and self awareness, I trust myself more than I ever have, I am getting to the point where I can make eye contact in the mirror and smile, continue to be authentic with myself, family and friends, and most importantly, living for myself and not for any one else. There is no deadline to be recovered. I may be in it for the rest of my life. I will have ups and downs just like every one else, bad and good days, fall in love again and maybe out, slip on behaviors again, fail at a goal, and know that....IT.IS.OKAY. We're human. I was talking to my mom this morning and said instead of saying "I am still working on loving myself, " a more attainable and helpful phrase I will now use is, "I am still working on how to RESPECT myself." We're allowed to feel every feeling that comes over our mind and body and never shame and question why it is happening. Just respect the person you are and the body you have, because there is only ONE.
So, if anyone reading this is in a "should I stay or should I go nowww" state of mind about treatment, I can't tell you what to do but only what it did for me. I can confidently say, I now trust the process. Give it a try and see what AH-HA moments you may have. It's pretty wild when they come to you.
I feel like this post started as "poor me, poor me" and now after I read it again I'm like "let's go streaking!!!" Okay, totally kidding (promise mom and dad), but a total adrenaline rush knowing that I am juuuuust fine. I can't tell you how much it did help my mind get out of the little funk it has been in for the past week or so and realize, girl, I am still SOOO new to this "new" version of life and that it's just a learning process. Like I said, we're human, we all have ups and downs, it's just making the effort to keep getting back up.
And just for your personal viewing pleasures, some other just random photos I took while out in Denver and a few surprises of things I found I really enjoy:
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| I enjoyed this amazing view and Grey's Anatomy on the patio every Sunday with the roomies. |
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| All the AMAZING cards I received while being away. THANK YOU THANK YOU!! |
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| I found I actually enjoy drawing, and fashion sketching at that. I randomly picked up a pencil one day to pass time and really got in to it. |
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| That I VALUE nature and the outdoors....annnd having The Rockies in my back yard. |
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| "The Chair" I liked to sit in while journaling/sketching/just chilling outside |
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| That I actually DO have the patience for yoga (most of the time) and helps ground me to the present moment |
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| And that I absolutely LOVE Denver sunsets...and...Denver. <3 |
Annnnnd we out,
TLC
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