Because Sometimes Words Speak Louder Than Actions

A quote as simple as that is something I have began to read everyday.  Been M.I.A. as I have been trying to stay busy throughout the holiday season but wanted to check in before the big day of Christmas arrived as well as give a little hope and inspiration to those who may be struggling or not necessarily struggling but just would like to read some good quotes and a little bit about what's going on in the world of Trace.  I definitely think I underestimated how tough holiday season would be and could take a page out of my own book in stop trying to be someone I'm not these past few weeks.  Anybody wish there was just a recovery manual that mapped out your Day 1, Day 2, Day 3...etc until "the day comes" where you feel "cured"?  Oh no, Tracey, that's too easy.  Well...yea *pouting*, because we are supposed to use the coping tools we learned in treatment to help us through these times, but if it were that easy, I probably wouldn't be writing this blog.  Ammaright?

As I mentioned, I have been trying to stay busy, and what exactly did I do for that?  Well, in all honesty, I can't really tell you everything that I have done but mostly Christmas shopping, doctor appointments, cleaning, going out with friends, coffee dates, working, workouts, coloring (those adult coloring books are awesome).  I didn't really think about blogging because I would actually have to sit down and think about my life at the moment, what has been going on, what am I really feeling?  I was trying to avoid that.  As I sat down this morning, I opened my laptop and decided to start writing because I realized exactly what I just said in the previous sentence.  I was avoiding feelings again, I was avoiding thoughts, emotions, life because I have been hiding how I have really been feeling and not wanting to deal with it.  Maybe if I just didn't deal with them, they would go away.  Ohhhh, Tracey, sweetie, what have we learned by doing that?  Now this is in no way shape or form to put a damper on the season of joy, love, family, gratitude, etc because this really is the most wonderful time of the year but I just wanted to take time to release some of the feelings I have tucked away for weeks in hopes that it will help me through the remainder of 2015.  I am not here to map out everything that has gone wrong but just to admit, it's getting hard.  Yes, of course I am trying to focus on the good but as we all know, our  mind is one powerful tool and it keeps bringing up the bad.  The voice that has lived inside me for so long is still there and very present and just kindaaaa getting a little bit harder to quiet it down.  As this year is coming to a close, it's easy to reflect on everything that has happened in the past year, and for me, I can honestly say this has been the year that has saved my life.  Looking back on where I was in January to today, good lord, what a complete whirlwind of events, emotions of not wanting to accept life anymore as it was to now practically starting a whole new life over, living in recovery and coming clean about my ED and accepting treatment for it.  It's just a lot to take in and how to handle all the thoughts and feelings that come with it all at once.  There have been moments where I think I should go back to treatment, moments where I think "hey, I've got this" to moments where I am just content with where I am and then with a snap of a finger, I'm back to living in the past and dwelling on why this all had to happen to me?  Why me?  Why am I the "only one in this entire world that feels like this, that has to deal with this"?  What is it like to feel normal?  So many ups and downs on a constant basis and just need to get a good grip on things again.  Maybe that is why I have been nervous to post during this time because I would be embarrassed to admit how hard it is right now with how positive I feel like my last couple of posts have been.  Maybe I should just post about how great it is to be going through holiday season not having to hide anything anymore and just be ME and all the fun get together's with friends and family I have had.  But, that would be me being someone I am not.  That would be me putting up my mask and show everyone that I am strong enough to handle this and doing sooooo well.  But, I was quickly reminded by a friend that I AM strong enough to handle this because of what I am doing right at this very moment.  Admitting that maybe this is a lot harder than I anticipated and learning how to be okay with it and okay with asking for help, okay with letting my guard down.  Being an athlete all my life, I just continue that competitive streak with myself thinking this game of life is either you win or you lose when in reality, it is all about how you play the game, not the outcome.

Having that said, I wanted to take this time to send out positive vibes that has helped me through some dark days recently.  I have learned that reading quotes really does help me relax and calm me down and get back to a healthy mindset and to just be my own cheerleader.  To everyone who is feeling any type of struggle, stress, anxiousness, unworthy/not enough self thoughts, take this time to stop whatever you are doing, find a comfortable position, and just read some of these uplifting quotes (heads up: some may be pretty blunt and hard to swallow but true). See if it helps bring you back to the present moment and help you realize how far you have really come in whatever personal battle you may be dealing with and to know, you are never alone in whatever you are going through.  Soooooooometimes it helps if you just blast some music and dance around in your pajamas, maybe grab a hairbrush and sing along, *cough, I mean, not like I have done that before? no, never...* to let it all go as I have said before and have FUN with yourself.  Some I have already used in previous posts, but these are a lot of the quotes I have started to read on a daily basis that has helped me open my eyes to what positive has come from everything I have put my heart and soul in to this year.  Sometimes....words DO speak louder than actions:

                             

 

 

And again, had to end on this one.  Watch this "Rocky" scene on youtube!

Hope these gave you a little pep in your step and trust me, I could go on and on and on posting these but I'll spare you some time to get some last minute Christmas shopping done.  It's easy to get caught up in our own thoughts and sometimes it helps to just take a moment for yourself and read some positive affirmations to get back to kickin' ass out there.  Hope everyone enjoys the remainder of their holiday season and 2015.  Reflect on the good and hell, reflect on the bad, because it makes you appreciate how much stronger you have become and even how much stronger you WILL become.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Cheers from me, my miniature tree, and my lovely #sweatyhairdontcare to YOU, you little rockstar, YOU.

TLC

Learning How To Fall But Also How To Fly

I read the phrase I chose to make the title of this post in an article the other day and kept repeating it to myself.  Learning how to fall but also how to fly.  It seemed so relevant in the time period I am in my life.  Ever since I decided to tackle this beast inside of me head on, I felt like I was free falling in to the biggest pit of the unknown. This pit had all of my insecurities floating as clouds and my negative self talk the only thing blasting on the radio.  However, I was ready to LET GO of my E.D's hand and the only thing I had to hold on to was Tracey.  I had to believe that the Tracey without an eating disorder was worthy, strong, and confident enough to keep me from the continuous fall.  I had to get to know this Tracey, learn how to like this Tracey, learn who she really was behind the mask, and accept and TRUST she will not let the demon grab hold of my hand again when I wanted to return to my comfort zone.  I have realized that throughout all of this falling, or life without my "best friend", I was learning how to fly.  Fly: First, Love, Yourself.

Think of it as sky-diving.  The person is the eating disorder and the parachute is your inner, true self.  You step on to the ledge of the plane, getting ready to take that leap of faith, trusting your parachute is going to open and help you float smoothly down to the ground.  You're scared half to death, mind and heart is racing, thinking of all the wrong that could happen but also thinking of all the right.  As you fall out of the plane, you let go of everything.  You let go of the tight grip holding you down, your mind go of everything up until that moment, and you are trusting the parachute will open at the exact second you need it to.  You are falling faster and faster, the feeling of disbelief that something so fragile, unopened, tucked away in a bag could actually save you from crashing, was getting louder.  However, the more and more you started to rely on the parachute, the more abundance and confidence you were feeding it to actually save you, started to help you live in the moment and allow yourself to look around at all of life's beauty right before you.  Your mind was starting to relax and feel at ease that you have something so powerful, so strong attached to you that you have not opened up yet but you know it's there.  You know it has always been there.  So you're starting to embrace the fall and how to believe, trust, and slow down, to not just think of this as a fall in to darkness, but a fall that has given your mind so much more power than a number on a scale, a size, an insecurity, an ugly reflection.  When the belief has become so strong, you allow for the parachute to show it's face.  You allow it to open up in to the world for the first time to show what it is capable of.  It will tug like HELL at first, giving you whip lash as it makes its full formation but that is just life's way of knowing you are strong enough to now handle it.  You are suddenly flying, soaring through the sky of all of your hopes and dreams becoming reality.  Through the turmoil of the fall, you learned how to cope with knowing there was no turning back and getting on the plane.  It was you and the parachute.  You learned how to trust it, believe in it, and look for it in a time you needed it most.  You weren't 100% sure it was going to open, but the second you let it, is the second you started to believe in the inner person you are without an eating disorder.

LOVE THIS!

We have to train our minds all over again in to thinking the inner person IS worthy enough, is great enough, is...ENOUGH to take control of our life and move it towards success and not failure.  Of course it is easier said than done but as you start to shift your mindset in to a more positive light you will see a lot of good follows.  We have to train our minds in to thinking that another day doesn't mean another battle with ourselves.  It is another blessing that we get to see how good life can really be once you believe you do have a purpose to live it.  Over the past few days, I have had moments of great purpose and it felt pretty awesome.  One of these moments came last Friday as I had a morning full of meetings, doc appts, and a spin class (with good intentions behind it).  I drove all around Charlotte thinking at some point surely I was going to get overwhelmed and suddenly feel a wave of anxiety come over me, but, it never happened.  I realized as I finally got home early afternoon everything that I had accomplished during that morning, I was actually at peace with myself.  How could this be?  How could I not have anything to criticize myself for?  Well, because, I finally allowed myself to feel that sense of peace that everything actually went fine?!  I always try and hunt for the flaws, never appreciate the good that has come out of certain situations, much like my own reflection.  One major factor that kept my mind at ease was the people I had surrounded myself with that morning.  Everyone that I saw and was around was such a positive, enlightening, inspiring individual that rubbed their contagious energy on to me.  I remember as I was riding in my spin class in between appointments that I said to myself, "I am having a good morning."  I had so much energy and pep in my step that I almost thought I was in a dream.  I can't remember the last time I allowed myself to say "I am having a good morning, a good day, a good night, etc" because if I do, I feel like the eating disorder will tell me I am being cocky, too confident in myself, conceded that I think I am getting better and show it's face more so than ever.  As I tucked away that lovely ball of sunshine I realized I just used a coping tool without even knowing it.  For a moment I recognized my negative thoughts, my shaming, my feelings and recognized them as just THAT.  They are not more powerful than ME and I let them pass on by. After I was playing tug-a-war in my mind, I realized I chose the unbeaten path to carry on with my day and not let the biatch dictate how I was going to view myself.  I felt a sense of purpose that day and sense of productivity used in the best way possible.

The second experience of purpose came this past Monday where I started off my morning with not only a great workout (again, with good intentions) but with another "Girl Talk" speaking engagement at UNCC with the Women's Soccer Team.  Coming off of a pretty good weekend, I was actually excited for this Monday morning.  I have tried making Monday's my rest day from the gym but I had too much energy as I woke up at the butt-crack of dawn to waste.  I did a few strength circuits then got my cardio in as I am sure you can guess how.  As "Heart Of A Champion" by Nelly was playing during class, it took me back to college, specifically to basketball warm-ups, when I would be getting mentally focused on the game, sizing up the competition, having one goal in my mind and that was to win.  Fast forward to the present moment, everything I thought during warm ups was so relative to that day because I was focused on the day ahead, sizing up the competition which was myself, and having one goal in mind to win against the beast.  I was going to live that day with a purpose and not lose sight of the ultimate goal in staying in recovery.  It was then that my mind was set in its place to have a successful day.  After I received that huge adrenaline rush, I showed up to UNCC to speak to the soccer team about collegiate athletes and body image and again, my story.  I went deep.  I went deep in to emotions, to past triggers, and to the very first time I binged and purged.  I told them how my E.D. controlled every practice, every game, every college situation I was dealt and how I finally faced this awful illness in its eyes.  I told them how I was feeling in that exact present moment and why I was sitting down instead of standing up.  Although I had a great workout earlier that morning, my body image was and is still SHIT.  So, I told them instead of drawing more attention to my body, I am more comfortable sitting down in front you so you are not staring at my flaws, my fat, my love handles, my "I don't look like I workout" body.  I was completely honest, authentic, unmasked in the thoughts my mind was feeding me and the voice I am learning to LET GO of and fly.  I made eye contact with a lot of them as I shared my struggles and strengths and connected with them on a more intimate level than just being a collegiate athlete.  We were all family in that room.  We all were women living in today's society were body image is so loud and to feel accepted meant having an acceptable body.  It's a tough world out there but I hope by sharing my journey, taking the steps I knew I needed to get better, being open and vulnerable, I shed some light that there is life far beyond what your eyes see in the mirror or on a scale.  After we wrapped up, the accomplishment and purpose and authenticity I felt was a sure sign that maybe things are on one of the highest upward slopes in years.  To the UNCC Women's Soccer Team, thank you.  You all are rockstars and wish you the best of luck this season!

Lastly, during the past 24 hours, I have honestly been on an emotional roller coaster.  While starting this post, I was replaying all of these scenarios in my mind and a part of me wanted to "fall" again to see if I really was strong enough to fly.  I started to talk myself out of the good and focus on the bad because I felt like "too much good" was happening.  It sucks that truthfully, "too much good" is triggering because it is uncomfortable.  It is something I am not used to and we all know we love to stay in our comfort zones.  I am just now allowing myself to feel these moments of purpose but it's like I am quickly reminded this is an everyday process.  I met up with a friend yesterday morning for coffee and he put so much in to perspective that life is so much bigger than the self destructive criticism I give myself.  Why do I dwell so much on that?  WHY?  As we were talking, I was in the midst of helping a friend from support group through a tough morning.  She texted me she needed support to get through the day.  Although I was kind of in a funk myself, by helping her, she was helping me snap out of the fall my mind was in and to see how harsh our minds can be towards ourselves by what she was saying.  This girl is beautiful, how can she be saying that about herself?  Oh wait, I say it too.  EW!  My positive affirmations to her weren't me "masking" how I was truly feeling, trying to be strong for her, it just helped me see from a different angle how cruel our minds can be and wasting a harsh moment of life believing in those thoughts is NOT WORTH IT, just LET IT GO.  As I sipped my coffee, my friend brought up the perfect comparison, and EUREKA moment, to those three little words, let. it. go, to the scene in "Finding Nemo" where Dory and Marlin are stuck in the whale's mouth.  What happened when Marlin finally swallowed his fear and was strong enough to let go, trusted Dory had his best intentions in mind along with his own?  They made it out of the whale's mouth and back in to their free land. *Hello from the other side*   I didn't know what was going to happen when I finally let go of my darkest secret but I did, and it has truly been a life blessing that I did.  So I ask you, what would happen if you let go of your darkest fear? your darkest secret? your self judgement?  Would you continue to fall....or would you learn how to fly?

Stay Fly my friends,
TLC

My First Authentic Holiday

Bonjour from my new favorite nook in Uptown CLT, Amelie's French Bakery

Kind of ate my words in my last post in not waiting so long to post again but didn't know how busy I was going to get around the holiday. Hope everyone enjoyed their Thanksgiving and for those around the world who do not celebrate, hope you are having a great start to your week!  I didn't know where this post was going to take me because I wanted to go many different directions with it.  My mind has been going about a million miles a minute the past week and kept jotting down notes like "ooo don't forget to mention this in your post, and this, and that, etc" and then I would read an E.D. article through research or chapter in a self compassion/success/purpose book and write down an insert I wanted to talk about...not to mention just every day living that happened...and realized I am getting myself SO worked up over every little thing that I wanted to add and probably by the end of it all, none of it would make any sense because my brain was thinking faster than I could type.  So, I took a few days to not even think about writing, not think about the notes I took, what I have read, or seen, or heard and just stopped.  Stopped and smelled the roses.  Stopped and took a breath and realized I needed to take one day at a time, one idea at a time, not try to jot gibberish down because I tend to get very excited, very easily (for past co-workers, you know this) and knew my words would lose all meaning in what I was trying to get out.  So I apologize in advance IF this post is all over the place and takes you, well, an hour to read, as lot of stuff has come up and want to try and communicate clearly some of the thoughts and emotions that arose and especially getting through the first BIG holiday while being in recovery for the first time since 2007.

In this very moment, I am feeling very overwhelmed, anxious, nervous, hopeful yet sad, happy yet down, content yet wanting more, gross yet healthy.  I think a lot of this emotional roller coaster that Six Flags couldn't even handle is coming from the start of the big holiday season and having more flashbacks than I ever thought I would of moments this time last year, where I mentioned before when things were getting bad.  Flashbacks of sleepless nights, not knowing where I was going to sleep, packing week long bags to keep in my car, anxiety attacks, triggers everywhere, moments of not wanting to deal with another day, and just depressing moments I still feel today.  I know this is the season of giving, and cheer, and family, and happy happy, joy, joy and I am not at all trying to get away from that because I am grateful more than EVER this year for everything that has happened in 2015.  However, just because the holidays are here, doesn't mean life stops happening.  So what was it like for someone in recovery from an eating disorder, who is also on a very strict meal plan (and having to email my dietitian after every meal I eat) at Thanksgiving?  The holiday that is centered around food and second helpings and making life long memories with family and friends.  Thanksgiving has always been a very triggering holiday for those reasons and letting the BITCH take over and never letting an actual Thanksgiving meal digest, but especially triggering for my family as a whole the past three years.  Not only was I full of emotion in how my mind and body was going to respond to the feast in front of me but around this time, three years ago, was when I lost my oldest brother to Cerebral Palsy.  We never really bring it up as a family but I was back at my parents house for a few days and as I was helping my mom decorate our Christmas tree, I just so happened to pick up an ornament to turn it over and it be a picture of my late brother inside of a wreath.  I immediately felt like someone punched me in the stomach and just told my mom to please not put that up this year as my eyes were about to be Niagara Falls.  It was just too hard to handle on top of everything else to see his face.  Thankfully she understood even though she said she enjoyed looking at it every holiday but this year was just different.  For the first time, I feel like I am finally allowing myself to grieve the loss of him.  I have been so masked and concerned with my own struggles that were kept secret all of these years to never fully grieve the family losses we have had over the years.  Again, this year was different.  This season is the first time I am being authentic, for my family now knowing what I was doing when I said I had to go to the bathroom while people were enjoying seconds, why I had to sweat my ass off before and sometimes after the meal, why I was always so energetic and carefree around family company at the house because I was so good at hiding the real TLC.  I finally spoke up to my true feelings and told my mom, I'm sorry, but this is just something I can't handle seeing this year and she respected that.

So at this point, the roller coaster is still creeping up it's hill.  (OH, BTDubs, I am nottttt a fan of roller coasters, like, the real thing, well hell this roller coaster too, but you get what I mean, kbye) This was also the first Thanksgiving ever that I wouldn't have my other brother home with me.  He spent the holiday with his fiance up North and got a little taste of her family's Turkey Bowl when I heard of his twisted ankle but know he had a blasttttt!  It was sad not to have him there as we have spent every holiday together since we were born butttt I know there's a time where we all have to grow up and Never Never Land finally gave us the boot.  I will have to say I was SUPER jealous because while he was up there he got to take a SoulCycle spin class.  For those who know me, know I am obsesssssed and passionate about spinning/cycling (I basically live at Flywheel Sports) and have been wanting to get to a city with a SC.  So, why did I feel the need to share that?  What does my competitive spirit do when I hear of his spin class when I wasn't doing one that day?  Ohhhh well since he got to sweat and workout, I have to too.  So I did a nice little run and strength workout in my driveway.  Oh Trace, one day you will learn to LET...IT...GO (totally just got Frozen stuck in my head)  It's just so hard for me to sit still, relax, watch TV, and just enjoy being home knowing others, not just my brother, are working out around the world.  I feel like I always need to be doing sommmmething.  Slight segway in to working out, and those who follow me on social media have already seen this, but I took a picture of the basketball goal I grew up learning/practicing/playing on 20+ years ago and it's still standing strong.  My dad and I still go and shoot on it every chance we get while I am home.  We spent about 45min to an hour out there that day.  This is the court that is in my neighborhood and OMG if I could tell you all the memories that I have on this.  This was the meeting spot for neighborhood hide-n-seek, basketball games where the guys wouldn't pass it to me (yea you know who you are!) tennis matches, sometimes wiffleball/baseball games, playing house, but most importantly, the court where my brother proposed to his now fiance (while I hid in a bush, what. true story). <3

Ain't she a beauty.

So now getting some of the behind the scene family emotions out and you will hear more about sweat sessions in a little bit, but I did get a chance to go see my best friend since preschool and her little rugrat, Crue!  This sureeeee did put a smile on my face as I got to catch up with her and hang out with Crue man while I finally got him to take the fear of God out of his eyes when I would try to dance with him.  :)

No of courrrrse he wasn't trying to get away...nope....never...

So, there were many good, good times during my time at home, helping my mom decorate, shoot with my dad, still get a workout in, just being HOME, until... well, I won't even say "until" but let's just say there was a minor glitch in the system BUT I fought like hell and took the BIA down when he (yea I have always considered my ED a "he" or IT because I just picture this little, ninja-like, guy in a black suit, slick back hair, devilish features inside of my body that is better known as my eating disorder aka bitch.  Again, Lord, I hope this doesn't make me single forever?!)  wanted to "celebrate" the Thanksgiving meal instead of digesting it.  It finally got to the time of sitting down and having dinner.  This year my dad wanted to try something different than the traditional Thanksgiving foods.  We had...drum-roll please...shrimp cocktail and lobster tail!  OMG it was DEEEELISHHHH and we still had a few of the traditional sides, squash casserole, brussel sprouts, salad, sweet potatoes.  My mind was somewhat at ease because I already categorized seafood being less fattening than turkey and ham so I prepped my mind in to thinking I was eating "healthier" than normal on this day.  Well, as every bite of food was touching my mouth, that pep talk went to hell, my meal plan went to hell, and I just pictured fat.  What triggered this?  A slight glance at my reflection as I passed a mirror in our house on the way to the dining room and saw what I believed to be a laaaarger version of myself, kinda exactly like the movie "Shallow Hal".  So, I pictured fat going in to my body and it staying there and because of this ONE meal, I will have to work out that much harder to burn it off because that is what they all say after this holiday right?  "Oh just enjoy this day and then go burn it off later."  I was replaying all of society's sayings in my head and just picturing people being so full and having to "unbutton their pants" and feeling miserable and then my mind would go to well, I wonder what professional athletes, and models, and fitness professionals are eating right now?  I bet they aren't letting themselves go.  What if I was a supermodel and had a shoot the very next day.  I sure as hell wouldn't be eating this and able to just hop in to a bathing suit and feel good about my body.  I was watching the Panthers game beforehand and got, I wouldn't say triggered, but mad at every drop of sweat I saw on the players face and the sweat through their uniforms because I didn't get to sweat like that, that day.  Uh, Trace, you lost us, what?  Yea, that is where my mind went.  To all of these other scenarios than my very own real life scenario of spending this time with my parents, who I love more than anything in this world and for being back home in the house I grew up in, surrounded by love and comfort.  All I could think about was my body, what my mind was telling me, and how I SHOULDN'T be eating.  I finished what I could and got myself so emotionally full that I had to get up from the table and INSTEAD of going to the bathroom, I went for a short walk outside to calm myself and my mind, down, to ground myself, because my self talk got far too loud for me to sit there any more.  I can't say what my parents were thinking but they didn't say anything and just let me do what I needed to avoid coping with these thoughts in a way we all DON'T want to happen.  I can't remember actually what I was thinking or saying to myself during my walk, but all I do remember is me being able to calm down and realize that these are thoughts and that they will pass.

I came back inside and not even trying to go back to the table around food, I star-fished on the living room floor until I felt somewhat better.  I checked my phone, again with this perfect timing thing, I had noticed I missed a few texts in a group chat with my dear friends from treatment at ERC in Denver!  We all started giving each other support and that just made my night knowing we are all still in this together.  So as I laid there, I knew I could do this and I DID, I let the food digest.  WAIT, what did I just say?  Did I just say I let Thanksgiving dinner digest????  YOU HEARD IT RIGHT FOLKS.  Instead of letting the roller coaster hit the 90 degree drop, for the first time, in EIGHT YEARS, I allowed my body to accept the food I gave it on this holiday.  I chose to use a coping tool I learned when dealing with these thoughts and triggers and finally let the thoughts PASS.  And want to know something even better?  About an hour or so later, I ate a piece of pumpkin pie...and it was so F'n good, oh, WITH whip cream, whaaaat?!?! can I get a fist pound?!?! Cam can I get a dab? wishful thinking? yea thought so.  Go Panthers.  I went to bed feeling very proud of myself yet still thoughts creeping in of omg you just gained five pounds, how dare you do this to me, what are you thinking, you just wasted all of your workouts on this one meal, you will pay for this.  BUT, I shut it down and finally said GOOD...NIGHT!!  (It also helped knowing I was getting a really good work out in the next day but I am still waiting for the point when it doesn't have to take a workout to get me through a "fat" feeling to let it be okay.  One day at a time.)

The next day I got back to Charlotte after I would say a successful yet very, very tough holiday and while I was still proud of myself for powering through a tough meal, all my mind and body was wanting was a good sweat sesh as much and as long as possible.  Having that said, going back to my "CPA" title (for those who didn't read the previous posts, this is my own definition of a CPA in holding MYSELF accountable for all actions that do not align with my values I TRY to live out every day), I will say I am accountable for taking it a little over board with my workouts over the weekend after this ONE meal where I got my mind SO emotionally full that in reality, I probably didn't eat as much as I thought.  BUT, past is the past right?  I am not going to say everything I did to work off the food coma, but me, standing strong and letting ya'll know I did in fact take "burning it off" to the extreme, helps me turn this little set back around and know I have limitations that I have to stick to in order to stay in recovery.  To some, this may seem small, but for someone who is in recovery, with exercise being one of the drivers, it's a VERY slippery slope.  I went to the chiropractor yesterday to get my back and neck adjusted and the first words to come out of her mouth were "boyyyyyy, has someone been working you out hard or what?!?" when sadly, that "someone" was me.  But, here I am, being transparent, and realizing I did too much and how to improve from here.  I am happy to say I took a rest day Monday and did absolutely nothing that got my heart rate up.  It was hard as hell but I know my body is thanking me for it today.  However, I'm not sure if I could say anything to justify what I just admitted but I wasn't hating all of the minutes and time I took up for working out when I could have been doing other things.  This isn't my eating disorder talking, this is Tracey, which can get me really frustrated talking to some people who just listen to me as an ED, but I was loving the sweat, the pain, I was in my zone, my safe haven, a place I go to in my mind where I feel like I can be ME, where I feel accepted, where I am out of my own head and enjoying being active, but I know the downward slope can easily pop up at anytime, it's just whether or not I am strong enough in the moment to push away.

Trust me, it's hard to decipher some days where my mindset is behind some of my workouts whether it's ME or IT being the driving force but I truly believe it will just always be a part of who I am.  It's in my blood, my genes, my temperament, to always live an active lifestyle and will always consider myself an athlete, I just have a lot of work to do in making sure I am doing it in a healthy way.  Here's a few pics of me during some of the workouts.  These are hard to post, especially of me slowly getting over a major fear that I will go in to later but, these did make me feel good because 1. they were completely candid and 2.  when I received them, it took me back to that moment of when I was more focused on the function of my body during the workout and not so much of what my body looked like and how many calories I was burning.  (I know I keep mentioning I will talk about my relationship with fitness now in a post from what it was, but just need to get a little more comfortable in my own skin and more comfortable with my own body image to go in depth with something very personal and something I am so passionate about to not get triggered.)

Peeping Tom in the bottom right corner, AWESOME Fly90 ride with Zach and Meghan!

"Ain't No Mountain Hiiiiigh Enough" Med-ball mountain climbers

"Ain't No Mountain Hiiiiigh Enough" Med-ball mountain climbers

My favorite. Because I know in this very moment a part of my mind was telling me I would never find the balance to do a mountain climber, but told myself I would not fail and put matter OVER mind and did it.

High knees against the wall for 1 minute....tell me that's not the longest minute of your life

Trainer, Jen D!  Lookin good, TC

So that was kind of my first big holiday at a glance.  Some ups and some downs but all in all, I consider it a success.  It's just sooooo hard to turn my mind off, obviously around meals but especially hard at night time when I am forced to relax and sleep while trying to block out flashbacks and worries/thoughts about what I cannot change.  But, just another area I am constantly working on to make sure I am not only getting proper nutrients but the right amount of sleep to be alert and mindful the next day.  However, there is one more raaandom point I wanted to touch on as Nsync "Happy Holidays" just came on and trying so hard not to break out in song and dance.  This was a moment that happened this past Sunday that I didn't think I would really care about, but it ended up sticking with me until this very moment when I thought I was going to be done typing (oh, what was I just saying about turning my mind off?).  I turned on Sunday NFL Countdown to a topic that I suddenly related myself to on a personal yet different level.  It was the topic of Johnny Manziel and his future in the NFL as he has been named the third string quarterback for the Browns due to off field behavior.  We know the story of him checking himself in to rehab for alcoholism and the "tiff" with his girlfriend and whatever photos are streaming on the internet of him out partying.  I am not focused on that but more focused on the comments that were made by analyst Cris Carter (who is a former alcoholic and NFL Hall of Famer) that instead of taking jabs at Manziel, he was speaking truth behind the mental illness he is dealing with that I can also relate to towards the illness of an eating disorder.  It caught my attention as he said "he will take this to the grave with him, it's like he is allergic to alcohol."  I thought, wow, that's pretty deep, to the grave?  But it's true, for as long as I live, I will always have the eating disorder be a part of my life because it is something that had completely control over mine for so long.  It's not something that will just walk away after you "break up".  It is a constant battle every day in how you are going to handle the relationship.  So even though Manziel was demoted as QB, that doesn't mean he will now go work on the problem and be free of it.  It doesn't just flip the switch OFF to the illness for him to wake up and take action, just like treatment for me wasn't a CURE ALL place.  Carter also mentioned that when Manziel did see the photos of him maybe partying a little too much than he should, he didn't realize it was even a problem.  Which I can also relate to.  For the longest time I never thought for once did I actually have a problem with food and exercise.  These mental illnesses trick your mind in to thinking you are doing nothing wrong when in reality, others see right through it and know there is an issue at hand.  He made mistakes, I have made mistakes, but for everyone to say "why can't he just stop drinking and going out and partying if he wants to make it in the big league," well, coming from someone who is struggling with a different type of issue, if he could, he would.  I know this is completely random but just caught my attention as this is something that has so much grey area, yet still leaves people seeing only black and white.  K, that's my two cents.

Stay strong out there, kiddos.  We got this.

#keeppounding,
TLC

Graduation, UNCC, And A Little Perfect Timing

Oh hello, it's been awhile...how the hell are ya?

Well, I'm back after a short hiatus from writing as I was and continue to get refocused after a few hiccups that came as it seemed one after the other, after the other.  Again, have to just keep telling myself this is a marathon, not a sprint, even though I sure do wish it was.  In my last post I held myself accountable for a lot of the bad and focused more so on the good.  Well, the bad came back and it stayed like a crazy ex-boyfriend and some days I really thought I wasn't strong enough to keep fighting this bad "break up".  I tried focusing on all the fun outings I had with friends, good therapy sessions, great workouts where I focused more so on the workout and not my body (and realizing my new found love of hiking!!), but still, something remained constant and it was my mind going haywire over the person I was.  I just couldn't accept who I was, shaming Tracey, and felt like I was "masking" myself again in public and only let my therapist in on the dirty secrets of how I was really feeling.  One thing I CAN'T focus on which I allowed my mind to go to is to revisit where I was this time last year.  This time last year is when the downward spiral to rock bottom all started.  I was right in the middle of a huge job change, moving into a new apartment, going into the cheerful holiday season, all while living in secrecy of an eating disorder that was getting worse.  Yea, Trace, how about we NOT go there?  That'd be great.  Even though I would love to just vent all over this post about everything that has been going on, I do want to focus on something I have been wanting to post about for awhile and hope this will bring me peace as I tackle another day head on.  It's about my "adult graduation" and how timing really is everything in how my speaking engagements with UNCC Women's sports teams came about.  So, get comfy, grab a coffee, grab some pinot, whatever your heart fancies as we have another long read ahead of us.  I have been told they take forever to read (sorry :/) but just know as I am typing every little detail (and some I probably don't even need to mention) it helps clear my mind SO much just telling MY authentic life story and can't thank you enough for following along as the support means more than ever right now.

We comfy?  Sitting Indian-style in a circle?  Before I get in to more "timing is everything" events in my life, because as I have previously stated God has a funny way of throwing things my way at the perfect time, he did so again yesterday and this morning that made this post and my current mindset snap back in to reality that, I'VE GOT THIS.  Yesterday was just another "in a funk" days where you contemplate what you're doing with your life, wonder what everyone else but you are doing right now, thinking everyone on this Earth is SO MUCH more successful than you ever will be, wondering what are people on the other side of the world doing right now (well, I guess sleeping, try again Tracey, you get the picture), BUT, at a perfect time, a new found friend send me a clip from Oprah that really reiterated that YOU are responsible for YOUR own life.  You can't keep waiting around for someone to come fix it, to come save you, to come help you because you are wasting your time.  YOU have the power to accept this moment, forgive the past and keep moving your life FORWARD.  It was such an amazing and inspiring clip that came and it really did perk me up and turn my day around yesterday to stop being so freakin' hard on myself.  *Here is the link if you need a little extra pep in your step today and that PSL just isn't doing the trick:  https://www.facebook.com/Emekambadiwe/videos/vb.157656130947807/1049577401755671/?type=2&theater  - thanks, girl, love the friendship we have built!

Secondly, as I was sitting at Starbucks (yes that is the ongoing trend) starting this post and during my "AND YOU GET A CAR" Oprah moment, my dear fitness/hiking/friend turned older twin sister texted me at another perfect moment to see how I was doing.  She had a break from work and actually came to Starbucks to chat and be with me AND surprised me with this AWESOME gift that maaaade my day:

Who can't smile without saying bombdiggity?  I mean, let's just be honest.  We chatted for awhile just about the struggle and it surely did warm my heart knowing how much she truly cares about me and me about her considering we go through A LOT of the similar ups and downs of life!  Annnnnd lastly, good ol Poppa Croner giving me a call this morning to reiterate his support even though he is one not to show a lot of emotion.  He said something that really stuck in my head that makes a lot of sense from a well-known quote we all know.  Instead of mind over matter, from MY point of view it is more matter over mind.  The state my mind has been in for the past 8 years to all of a sudden trying to think in a wholeeee new way is nearly impossible with only a few months of treatment.  It is all about how my actions respond to my mind when it wants me to go down the wrong path, and that is how I need to look at the bigger picture when I feel defeated.  It is when I let my mind overtake my matter and how will I fight back to get on top again.

OOOOOkay, did I have to mention those moments?  No.  Do I feel that people reading this are thinking I just said all of that to sound conceded, and "we get it Tracey, you have support, stop feeling so sorry for yourself", ya damn right I do (unfortunately), but again, matter over mind and I said those moments because it felt damn good to release them on to paper instead of keeping them in my mind.  NOW, it's time to get this show on the road and for that, I will start with this....I GRADUATED!! 

Now, this time was a little different.  This time it didn't involve a diploma or a degree.  I wasn't in a cap and gown, there was no commencement speech, no pictures with friends throwing up piece signs yelling DEUCES to the all-nighters cramming for a test, 20 page papers that have nothing to do with your life today and somehow managing to go out multiple nights a week when now you can barely handle one.  This graduation was something a little more personal, a day that was given no end date, no time frame, just the hope and faith it would one day happen.  SO, *drumroll please*, after 5 months, the day came, September 10, 2015, when I graduated from treatment!  Of those 5 months, I spent about 2 1/2 months in Denver, CO which I have discussed and the other 2 1/2 at an outpatient center here in Charlotte, NC that helped me with the transition being back home so I wasn't just jumping back in to the chaos of life that I had left it in.  It was time for me to finally start this new chapter more so on my own and put all of the coping tools I had learned to the test.  Granted, I do still have a team of professionals I work with in one on one sessions and a support group once a week, but my day to day would be managed by ME and not a treatment team.

So how does this graduation work and what exactly do you do?  I'm glad you asked.  Graduation, or getting 'discharged' (treatment lingo), is when you and your team feel you are at the point where you are stable enough to try this on your own but still having a support team set up to help you along the way.  It comes at a point that is different for EVERYONE.  Mine came when I was just honestly not getting anything more out of the specified groups we had, was completing my meals with no problem, able to keep a sharp and clear mind-set, and all in all just READY.  Now, this just wasn't any ordinary day that my graduation came, shocking because I feel like I have a story for EVERYTHING, but another "timing is everything" moment in the life of TLC.  I keep emphasizing the timing of events that continue to happen in my life and here is another one to add to the list.  Back tracking about two days before my graduation, I was meeting with Dr. Festa, my primary therapist, and this is where my blog/speaking engagements was brought to the surface.  I was looking back on the months past and everything I had gone through from January 1 til that very day.  A LOT had happened, holy shy-zah.  One thing NEW that was happening was I had a feeling inside me that I was not only ready to graduate but ready to start letting the world in on this secret of mine.  It was almost like I had the feeling of dissatisfaction without people knowing this side of me because with all the HELL I had gone through, what good is it doing if I did keep ALL of that inside when maybe my story would help others?  Dr. Festa was impressed I was willing to put this out in the open and it is almost like I saw the light bulb that suddenly came over her head.  She works with tons of collegiate and professional athletes in her practice and is also contracted out by the UNCC (University of North Carolina at Charlotte) Athletic Department for Sports Psychology.  She had been asked to take on a series of talks to women's athletic teams about women athletes and body image called Girl Talk.  Anyone else guessing what was coming next?  Since I expressed interest in public speaking engagements, she asked if I was REALLY ready to do this because she had a talk that coming Friday, the day right after I graduated from treatment, to talk to the Women's Indoor and Outdoor Track & Field Team at UNCC.  Say whaaaaa?!?  The very first day I was "free" in the world, I had this unbelievable opportunity to tell my story in public for the very first time to a group of women athletes.  You got to be kidding me.  With no hesitation I accepted the offer and that moment was one of those heart-sinking, knot in stomach, hot flash happening, I don't know what to do with my hands, type moment of pure excitement/disbelief/happiness/eagerness/nervousness that holy SHIIYAAT I'm about to do this.

Who doesn't love a free t-shirt?!

Oh, that timing isn't enough for one event?  Let me knock your socks off...that Friday, the day of my talk and the day after I would graduate treatment was September 11th.  We all know the emotion that comes with that date for our country but also, it was my mom's birthday!  I asked her earlier in the week what she wanted for her birthday and all she had to say was "you getting out of treatment and for everything you have done thus far is the best birthday present I could ask for."  Gee mom, make a girl cry why don't ya.  Okay, okay, God, world, whoever...I got it, I see my sign...I'll do the talk!  So, the day finally came.  I surprisingly wasn't really that nervous at all as I have always enjoyed public speaking but just kept telling myself, OMG, this is the first time, in 8 years, that I will be telling my story in public, much less to a room of about 40 college women athletes that I once was.  Of course I was in gym attire, white crew socks, Nike pull over, shorts, just wanted to be my most comfortable self during the talk and obviously wanted to dress for the part.  I was talking to athletes so I wanted to dress like one (hello my everyday attire) so I would be more approachable.  I walked into the stadium seated room in the Athletic Center on campus which reminded me of a film room with a large projector screen and there they were...the track team sitting there, patiently waiting for Dr. Festa to arrive with her presentation and little did they know, I was going to be with her.  Ohhhhh back up a few sentences where I was sounding like the good ol confident Tracey in not being nervous at all, HA, I suddenly needed deodorant and a towel to wipe the sweat off (TMI?).  I stood against the wall beside Dr. Festa as she gave her PowerPoint presentation on Body Image and Athletes and I was shaking like it was my first time sitting on Santa's lap as a little girl.  Breathe, Trace, they are just girls, here to listen to you speak about YOUR journey, no judgement, they are athletes just like you.  In my mind, of course it suddenly went to them thinking, who the hell is this girl coming in like she owns the place? and felt like there were about 40 sets of eyeballs glaring at me instead of Dr. Festa.  I felt like they were judging every inch of my body, wondering why I was "trying to dress like them" because I looked FAR from an athlete and just again, started shaming who I was.  However,  I started to pay more attention to the presentation to get my mind off of the self talk and it was quite fascinating the information she had pulled from this easily overshadowed topic in our society today.  Here are a few slides that left my jaw dropped: (sorry they are hard to read, but if you can, it's pretty amazing facts and sadly, how early body dissatisfaction starts, 10 years old?! AND that 91% of woman, 91! are unhappy with their body in some way or the other)

...and as she turns towards me, I get the introduction of why I am there, a real life battler of an E.D. and a former collegiate athlete just like them when it all started.  I sat on a stool infront of them and took a deep, deep breath.  The room was silent, I made eye contact with a few of the girls and sat there.  I wanted to keep it together so bad, sooooo so bad.  Tracey, do not cry.  Whatever you do.  Do. Not. Cry.  Well, okay folks...it was water works as soon as I opened my mouth.  I had no clueeee the emotion that would come over me, all at once as I simply stated my name and how I had been living with an eating disorder for 8 years.  That's about all I could get out in the first few minutes then I got it together.  I just started from the very first time I acknowledged my body for what it was after a "binge" on pizza and beer and how I was in total disgust.  That 20 year old basketball player, staring at her stomach in the mirror of her bathroom, when her mind took over all matter and the start of one heck of a rocky roller coaster as she purged for the very first time.  As soon as I mentioned that, I saw some girls heads shake out of disbelief, some girls covering their mouths, others almost tearing up.  I continued as it got easier to explain the past years of my life and how I got to where I was at that moment and as soon as I saw some of the girls indeed wipe their eyes of tears, I knew I was exactly where I needed to be at the exact right moment.  To make an impact, to make a change in some of these girls lives that it does happen and that is it not worth keeping it a secret for as long as I did.  I did not obviously assume ANY of them were struggling but just the fact I touched them in a way that brought them to tears was just an unbelievable moment to witness and that maybe this was the beckon call I had been waiting for.  BUT, that wasn't even THE moment I cherished throughout the talk.  After I finished my segment, Dr. Festa opened the floor to any questions/thoughts/concerns about her presentation or my speech.  A girl raised her hand and it was actually in regards to me.  I said, yes...her words, "I just want to let you know you are beautiful and as soon as you walked through that door I thought to myself, wow, that girl is really pretty.  keep going girl" *insert water works again* and another girl asked if I had a blog where they could continue to follow my journey.  Unfortunately that was at a time where my blog was simply an idea but even that gesture warmed my heart tremendously.  As Dr. Festa and I were cleaning up I got a tap on my shoulder and I turned around.  It was one of the girls who had tears in her eyes and simply asked me for a hug.  Then all of a sudden there was a line behind her, to give me a hug?!  WHAT?  A line to just give me a hug?  Not only that...hugs turned in to wanting to take pictures and selfies together.  I was in a state of shock that this was the response I was getting.  I don't even know what I was really expecting after the talk was over but it was no where nearrrrr what those girls did for me.  So if ya'll are reading this right now, THANK YOU.  I will forever remember that day, the first day I was "on my own" and ya'll gave me the strength to move forward.  As I reflect back to that day, it is helping me tremendously in this state of struggle I find myself in.  Just looking at these pictures brings such an ease to my mind and smile to my face.  Wish those girls the best of luck this season as they will never know what they did for me.

Some of the track girls! xoxo

But first...let us take a selfie

My girl, Dominique

After word got out around the athletic department of the presentation myself and Dr. Festa gave, the Assistant A.D. contacted Dr. Festa saying how much the girls were raving about the "Girl Talk" and was wondering if I was coming back for more.  Well, just a few weeks ago I did indeed return to UNCC and had the opportunity to speak to the Women's Softball Team.

UNCC Softball Team...Where's Waldo?

After another successful talk, there may be another one on the books to the tennis team.  Fingers crossed.  I do not know what it is, but something about sharing something so personal, something so intense physically and emotionally, something about saying it infront of athletes at the age where mine started, really does something positive for my mind, body, and spirit thinking I may be talking directly to someone who thinks they are alone, to give them hope, motivation, and inspiration to get the help they need now and not later.  I really hope I can continue to build a pipeline of speaking engagements throughout the Charlotte community and who knows, maybe one day be able to travel with this to all sorts of different outlets around the country.  It's a psychological illness that doesn't get the attention it deserves and I just hope I can be somewhat of a voice, yes with all of my ups and downs-I'm human, to bring awareness to this serious issue and to help people realize it is not JUST some little "oh, I really just want to be skinny" thing, because it's not.  It's more... it's WAY. WAY MORE.

All time favorite Rocky quote.  Read this OFTEN.

So, seeing how much I had built up to type, doubt I will be taking almost 2 weeks off again. :)  See you sooner than later people!

TLC