Denver: I NOW Trust The Process

I saw this quote this morning and good lord-o-mighty it spoke to me and is sooooo beyond true with what you will soon be reading below that I need to learn from, hope everyone takes something away from this as well <3

#preach

So my friends, I have started, deleted, started, deleted this post about 3 times now.  Slept on this a few nights then would start over the next morning.  I have skipped through about 20 songs trying to find the right vibe I want to listen to while writing, can't find a comfy position on this couch thing, and trying to position and adjust my yoga pants around my waistline where I feel like everything is tucked in (you know those awkward movements) because I really don't know how to start this.  So I am about to be real, vulnerable, authentic as I have learned, (yes, hello Tracey, have you read your blog?) about why this is so hard yet should be kind of easy if I am just telling MY story and not have to sit in a library for hours doing research.  So, what's going on in my world that I am so uncomfortable with right now.  Well, honestly, it's because I've been struggling.  I've been struggling with life back home, being in recovery, getting back in to the swing of things, keeping up an authentic persona and being my true self, being triggered and not saying anything, not allowing myself to "feel" and show emotion, just showing that everything is fine.  I feel like I have been so focused on recovery that I was blinded to the world that was going on around me and realizing I was/am getting back in to the hamster wheel I was once in.  My daily focus and every decision I make goes through a serious of questions in my mind, while this help me live out my values?  does this make me happy?  Am I doing this for ME or to please someone else?  Will I be triggered, is this an anxious setting?  Will this make me want to scratch myself out of my skin?  Can I handle this?  So is this how it is going to be forever, this wheel?  I am always going to be shooting off a list of questions with every move and decision I make?  It can't be.  I have a bucket list to get to.  I want to pack up, take out my life savings, and travel the world...not travel on this wheel of the never-ending cycle of always wondering the what ifs, the should's, the wondering, the hurt and pain...  Everything in Denver seemed so easy now that I look back on it because I was ALL IN.  I was away from all the chaos that was surrounding me at home and was thousands of miles away able to recharge my mind and learn how to deal with all the chaos, anxiety, depression in HEALTHY ways and not kill my body while doing it. 

The amount of messages and support I have received thus far through this blog is seriously so unbelievably overwhelming and could never imagine MY story would touch so many people in a positive way.  Ya'll will never know how much that has helped me stay focused and take care of myself and hope I have given some inspiration to others to do the same with whatever internal battle life has dealt you.  So why am I struggling then?  I'm allowing my mind to take over again.  I'm scared I have put way too many expectations on myself AGAIN to stay in recovery, to not mess up, to continue on this path of being real and authentic with people, to be back to that "Tracey" everyone knew before all this mess.  But who was that Tracey?  Did people like that Tracey better?  Is this Tracey boring, too therapy-driven, not fun, not enough?  I feel like the mask is trying to work its way back up my face that everything is now 100% fine in my life.  That I am recovered!  That I have no struggles anymore, I am happy and happy with myself.  Truth is, I'm not.  Last week just wasn't good to say the least, not with my daily activities but my mind, body, and spirit just weren't in a good place.  I am still looking in the mirror, judging every inch of skin (in my mind, fat) on my body, convincing my mind I have gained weight, I am scared to death to try on any fall/winter clothes from last year because I'm petrified they won't fit anymore so I stay in gym clothes as much as possible until I HAVE to get dressed and then I will just throw on a jersey dress, leggings, tights, anything that I don't have to put on over my waist from last year (anybody else with me on that one?).  I'm the person who still doesn't know what she truly wants as a career and for that, I am finally holding myself accountable for slowly slipping back into someone who I don't want to be again.  The girl who pleased everyone before herself, making everyone else happy because I don't deserve to be and don't know how to be, the girl who was scared to be vulnerable because she would be judged, the girl who always had to look "put together" on the outside but falling apart on the inside.  I found myself recently going out more, drinking more, using behaviors more, which I hadn't been since being home and I have been hiding it because I want to "act" like even though I am in recovery, I'm better.

I woke up this past Sunday morning hungover, pissed at myself for having fun, for drinking more than I should, for shaming the person I am, all of that separation anxiety and depression you get after a night of drinking, because I told myself I wasn't going to do that anymore.  I can't do that anymore because sure, everyone has awful hangovers but someone who has dealt with major anxiety and depression issues, it's bad...really bad.  Am I falling back into my trap I made for myself?  It's almost like I get pissed for people seeing me happy because I automatically think that they think I am 100% cured, that I don't struggle with an ED anymore, that I am finally the person who I was meant to be.  Not saying anyone is saying that in their heads but why should I be mad for finally allowing myself to have a good time while still being in recovery?  This is where the perfectionist piece comes in to play again.  I feel like I am failing at recovery if I have a good time, out with friends, having a few drinks, snapping a few photos.  I am failing at recovery because I still have bad days.  I still have bad days where I use behaviors (not NEARLYYYYY as bad as before, and obviously pray everyday I never do it again), I still don't love my body, not comfortable in my own skin, criticizing every picture that my friends and I take and hating every one, needing to sweat and workout everyday (again, not NEARLYYYY as bad as before, and quit frankly, I am loving my new relationship with exercise thanks to some of the best in the industry in Charlotte, you know you who you are :) ) and just not knowing the Tracey I want to be and where I want to go with her.

And this is where the post really starts, after all of that venting, talking with my amazinggggg therapist, my friend who took me through a one on one yoga practice (amazing), going back through all my notes and journal entries from Denver,  I needed to remind myself.... THAT EVERYTHING IS OKAY.  My lord, am I hard on myself or what?!   My therapist, Dr. Festa, who I will be mentioning a lot as my future posts continue, helped me realize how CRAZY the certain timing points that happen in my life.  For starters, ERC having an opening on my birthday to enter treatment, to when my parents came to see me, and one that I will mention in my next post, my first public speaking engagement at UNCC that came the very next day as I "graduated" from a treatment I was in when I got back home, and to NOW for what I am going to talk about in this post.  I  am going to tell ya'll what I learned out in Denver, all the AH-HA moments I had, because reflecting back on what I learned helped spark that light back in my mind to get refocused and back on track in the way I was when I first got home, with a clear mind and doing what makes ME happy in my life.  As I was looking back on all the tools I learned out there to practice in situations just like this, to get more material to talk about, I was like O.M.G (like totes crazy) is this Gods way of reminding myself of EVERYTHING that I have learned and that yes, I will still have ups and downs but just remember you have tools now to help get past those dark moments, that I HAVE made huge progress in my recovery since freakin' May!  There is NO PERFECT WAY to "do recovery".  You don't "do recovery."  It is not a test you are graded on.  It is about living out your values and learning how to cope with those rough days and instead of turning to food to help you deal with it, learn to turn to breathing exercises, a walk outside, meditation, calling a friend, acknowledging the THOUGHTS you are having and realizing they are just THOUGHTS, they will pass.  So what are these tools/AH-HA moments/self reflections that I learned while I was out there?  Well, it's hard to say everrrrything because quit frankly, I learned something every single day, but these 5 things are the ones that really stuck out and help me continue in the mindset I am in today.  I want to focus on all the good that came out of my being there because THAT is what helps me live the life I want to be in and in the body God gave me.  So although I was planning on taking you through specific days and more of our daily routines at ERC, taking a little different approach that helps me NOW, in the present moment.  Enjoy:

My Takeaways of ERC:

1.  Do you remember in my second post, "Here Goes Nothing," I briefly mentioned near the end that all of this could have started as early as age 5(ish)?  Never having a family therapist before, I thank God everyday for pairing me with one of the BEST FT in the biz, because she helped me dig deep, and I mean waaay deep in to my family relationships and discover things I never even imagined were connected to my E.D and other struggles.  As I have stated in a previous post, I grew up with an older brother who had Cerebral Palsy and unfortunately lost him about 3 years ago this Thanksgiving to his severe battle with it.  Well that was something I never even thought about that triggered my mind at such a young age.  I have always been a very observant person and seeing the stress and heartache at times my parents went through raising a special needs child, I never wanted to be a burden to them on top of that.  So as early as maybe around 5, I already had it in my head that I want to be this "perfect daughter", to never mess up, to never have them worry about me that I will always do the right thing, so they can take care of Keith.  I would play sports and had to be the best so my parents wouldn't have to worry if their child was good enough to play, I had to be good in school, have a lot friends, make them proud of me because they were already going through enough.  Well as we all know, there is no perfect daughter.  I put so many expectations on myself to indeed be perfect and when I felt like I would fail, I would get so depressed and so mad that I failed my parents and add on more heartache to the already amounts they had.  I always wanted praise from my parents and reminders from them that I was doing the right things.  Even when they said I don't have to be perfect, I wouldn't believe them and would bust my ass even more because obviously that meant I wasn't.  I NEVER put those two and two together that my perfectionism really did start so so so young in age and just always had that mentality until today that I had to be their perfect little angel for them to accept me and not be a burden.  This was hard on my parents and other brother to understand and to believe that is how my mind worked but, sadly, it was true.  We/I am more open and honest with expressing feelings and emotions and how to continue to be a tight-knit family.  Luckily, God gave me one of the best families I could ever ask for while going through this transition in life and continue to share an unbreakable bond no matter what this crazy world throws at us.  Having that said, my parents came and visited me in Denver and they went through a three day workshop to get a better understanding of what a child with an E.D. goes through and just more about the disorder itself.  BEYONDDDDD thankful and grateful they came out and saw my "home away from home."  I know BOTH my brothers were there in spirit.  And even though I am not "a perfect daughter", they remind me in their own ways I am perfect to them.  That is all that matters.  

The Croner's Do Denver.

2.  Being authentic and building authentic friendships.  This is basically where I learned to take down the mask and realize, you know what?  Maybe this Tracey chick isn't half that bad.  I was surrounded by girls who were going through some of the exact same feelings and thoughts and emotions as I was and I was finally at a place where I didn't have to hide it.  I was at a safe place to talk about those bad days, bad thoughts, having an eating disorder, the crazy sick things I would do, how twisted my mind was.  I was trying so hard to be the "perfect patient" because I just trained myself to never mess up all of these years.  I had to follow all the rules at all times and be perfect because people like perfect people and I had to be liked by all.  Tracey, honey... STOP.  I can't tell you how many times I got told by my medical team to stop being the "perfect patient".  My primary gave me a phrase I tell myself almost everyday and still have it posted in my journal on the day she gave it to me, "choose discomfort over regret" by the brilliant Brene Brown.  

Just sit on that for a minute.  Would you rather go through an uncomfortable feeling of being vulnerable, of being the real YOU in a certain situation that may cause discomfort SHORT TERM, or live with regret not ever knowing "what if I was real... what if I wasn't this person I made up in my head and now show to the world."  Not just for this scenario, but it can be related to pretty much any situation you can think of that brings an unsettling feeling that you have to cope with.  I was at the place where it was finally OKAY to mess up and they wanted me to mess up.  It took me awhile but finally, I started opening up more and more and reallllly learned how to express how I was feeling in the present moment when I couldn't tell you the last time I really "felt" anything other than emptiness in the present moment.  I remember the first ever conversation I had with a girl that roomed right beside me who I "let in".  I let her see the real me and why I was at ERC to begin with.  We were sitting on the hallway floor waiting for our bedrooms to be unlocked and it just happened.  I felt this connection with her unlike any other girl there that I could tell her anything and she the same.  After I told her my story, seeing her teary eyes and hearing a sigh of relief as if she just told me her story, was that instant authentic and vulnerable connection I made with a new friend, who knew ME for ME and still liked me.  To this day she remains one of my dearest friends and CANNOT WAIT to go to NYC to visit. (chest bump)  That feeling had my hooked that I can be my true self and let people know some of the obstacles I have gone and continue to go through and yet they haven't ran away.  Sure it was discomforting as hell to tell her but I would always regret it if I never took the time to empty all the burdens that were inside of me and not be 100% real.

Me and Miss NYU on my last night in Denver. <3

The more and more I let my mask down and let others in to the real Tracey in that present moment, the more I realized how much I value friends, and relationships, and connections and was so blind to see them for what they were really worth before.  Not saying my relationships and friendships now were at all fake but just how much I truly, truly value having true, authentic, friends that surrounded me in Denver as well in CLT.  So again, choosing discomfort over regret.  In my case, I learned that even though it is uncomfortable showing a vulnerable side sometimes, it will ALWAYS outweigh the regret of missing out on getting to know some pretty awesome people in this world for being your true self.

3.  Perfect segway into #3.  Another AH-HA moment my family therapist, primary therapist, and myself got to the root of...and something I have always thouuuught about but never thought THAT could be the reason for some of the mind tricks I played on myself, and it is still hard for me to accept for some reason even though I preached about it in my third post is that...(eek) I fear rejection.  That's it.  I.fear.rejection.  I thought, well I do, doesn't everybody? But I thought I just feared failure, to not accomplish every goal I set for myself or expectation.  NO.  All of this comes back to rejection.  Why am I always the "yes" person, always having to be or act perfect, follow all the rules, to morph into someone else instead of being myself to be "accepted", to try and be the perfect daughter and girlfriend once upon a time.  It all came down to the fear of being rejected.  How could I fear that my own family would reject me if I wasn't perfect, my friends, myself if I'm not this perfect person I see looking back at me.  Well, I don't know thaaat part, but for them to help me realize why I am always so damn hard on myself it all became clear, I am scared to death of someone rejecting me and that feeling of failing at whatever I did to be rejected.  Is that why I am scared to "flirt" with guys, make sure I am saying the perrrrfect thing or just being enough for them to want to get to know me more?  Because I fear I will be rejected by every guy I may feel the slightest bit of attraction to, so let me just stay single because that's what I know, that's what I am comfortable with.  Let me say yes to everyone, so everyone will always invite me places and want to be around me because I don't want to be rejected by someone not liking the person I REALLY am.  Let me be the best player on the court so off the court I won't be rejected as someone who wasn't that good.  Let me be in the popular crowd so I won't know what it feels like to be rejected by the "cool kids", when really, what if just being me was and is enough.  Okay, you get it.  That was a HUGEEEEE AH-HA moment as I remember saying it out loud for the first time while I was out there.  Like, really?  Damn, this life thing is hard people!!

4.  Learning that my relationship with food is not the cause of my eating disorder.  I knew it couldn't be juuuust about food because when would that even start BUT it happened the very moment that I either looked in the mirror and didn't like what I saw on the inside and outside, judged a size of clothing, judged a bad thought I was having thinking I wasn't good enough, not liking the path my life was on, etc.  What can I do to take away these uncomfortable thoughts/feelings/emotions?  Well, there are tons of ways, unfortunately, my "way" was binging/purging on food because of that relief I would feel afterwards to get all of those negative thoughts out of my mind because I would be so relieved from an empty stomach that I would focus on that and not a life scenario I was in.  Others turn to alcohol, drugs, exercise, yoga, meditation, isolating, talking it out, or just swallowing it and moving on.  It just SUCKED because the "thing" I turned to, the "thing" that became my coping mechanism and addiction was something that you have to have to live on and that you are surrounded by on a daily basis.  For others, maybe stay away from the gym that day, or don't go to a bar, or don't isolate yourself and go hang out with friends if that brings you relief, but food, you have to have food to live.  BY ALL MEANS, I am not and will neverrrrr say those other ways are easier because lord knows everyone has their own battle and own ways to cope, and go through other types of treatment much like I did. But damn, I had to choose food.  I never really thought about it like that until many sessions with my dietitian and other group sessions that wow, it has nothing to do with my relationship with food, it's my relationship with myself and how I view myself as a person and how I cope with those unwanted feelings of anxiety, depression, stress.  Huh, interesting.    

5.  Last but not least (and I say that very loosely) and this is something that they reiterated to us while we were out there and something I had/have to keep reminding myself as well, is just because you entered treatment, by all no means, are you going to be automatically recovered, cured of all illness and bad thoughts and bad days and that you are just going to 100% CURED, CONGRATS GIRLFRIEND!  Wouldn't that just be lovely if that IS how it worked?  I had coffee with one of the greatest guys I know this morning and I was discussing my recent struggles to him.  I think he nailed it when he said "there isn't a shot someone can give you to be better the next day."  I was like OMG, so using that. :)  I learned that treatment isn't about "curing" you of your disorder, it is about teaching and learning how to cope with your unwanted feelings in a healthier way than the tools you were using, to TRUST THE PROCESS of your time here and really listen and learn to what we teach you.  We went through many, many groups about relapse prevention and recovery skills to set us up for as much success as possible when we were ready to take a second whack at life wherever that plane ride home landed.  They made us learn and know what our values are.  Before now, I couldn't even tell you what a "life value" was and how to live a valued driven life because my values were how long could I spend in the gym, how and where can I eat and get rid of food, to live a perfect life.  Uh, what?  Yea.  Promise I have an education.  Just our minds are some powerful, powerrrrrful things and totally underestimated how much it really took over my life.  I am happy to say I now have a list of values that I remind myself of every day and with every decision I make (although some I do regret since being home) but it's all a learning process.  Remember, I had this THING for 8 years.  It is not going to be 100% cured with a few months of treatment and rigorous therapy.  

So, am I recovered?  No.  I am in recoverY and it will be continued work on my end to stay that way.  (kind of like if you break your ACL, you go through surgery/physical therapy treatment, learning how to cope with this injury and doing other things than by playing your sport to live out your values everyday, thank you, Dr. Festa :) )  Do I have a career?  My dream job?  No.  But after reflecting on this time and seeing all the progress I HAVE made, I am realizing maybe I am exactly where I need to be.  I have a MUCH better mindset and self awareness, I trust myself more than I ever have, I am getting to the point where I can make eye contact in the mirror and smile, continue to be authentic with myself, family and friends, and most importantly, living for myself and not for any one else.  There is no deadline to be recovered.  I may be in it for the rest of my life.  I will have ups and downs just like every one else, bad and good days, fall in love again and maybe out, slip on behaviors again, fail at a goal, and know that....IT.IS.OKAY.  We're human.  I was talking to my mom this morning and said instead of saying "I am still working on loving myself, " a more attainable and helpful phrase I will now use is, "I am still working on how to RESPECT myself."  We're allowed to feel every feeling that comes over our mind and body and never shame and question why it is happening.  Just respect the person you are and the body you have, because there is only ONE. 

 

So, if anyone reading this is in a "should I stay or should I go nowww" state of mind about treatment, I can't tell you what to do but only what it did for me.  I can confidently say, I now trust the process.  Give it a try and see what AH-HA moments you may have.  It's pretty wild when they come to you.

I feel like this post started as "poor me, poor me" and now after I read it again I'm like "let's go streaking!!!"  Okay, totally kidding (promise mom and dad), but a total adrenaline rush knowing that I am juuuuust fine.  I can't tell you how much it did help my mind get out of the little funk it has been in for the past week or so and realize, girl, I am still SOOO new to this "new" version of life and that it's just a learning process.  Like I said, we're human, we all have ups and downs, it's just making the effort to keep getting back up.

And just for your personal viewing pleasures, some other just random photos I took while out in Denver and a few surprises of things I found I really enjoy:

I enjoyed this amazing view and Grey's Anatomy on the patio every Sunday with the roomies.

All the AMAZING cards I received while being away.  THANK YOU THANK YOU!!

I found I actually enjoy drawing, and fashion sketching at that.  I randomly picked up a
pencil one day to pass time and really got in to it.

That I VALUE nature and the outdoors....annnd having The Rockies in my back yard.

"The Chair" I liked to sit in while journaling/sketching/just chilling outside

That I actually DO have the patience for yoga (most of the time) and helps ground me to the present moment

And that I absolutely LOVE Denver sunsets...and...Denver. <3

Annnnnd we out,

TLC

Denver: My First Day of School

"Do not go where the path may lead.  Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail" - Ralph Waldo Emerson

This was a hill I found in Denver that I would look up at a lot and then found the above quote and kept it on my journal cover to remind myself I am creating a new path.

Heart pounding.  Shaky legs.  Tapping foot.  Knot in my stomach.  Deep breathing.  What am I about to go through?  My life is now in Denver, Colorado, not knowing a soul that I am about to get REAL with, real fast.  I slowly open the doors (it's kind of like in the movies where the actor opens the door and it's like this blinding white light into heaven or the future or a fantasy land or... um, know what I mean? oh boy, okay anyways) to report for duty at ERC (Eating Recovery Center) and face this inner demon head on and hopefully knock it out of my system for good.  I check in and the first thing the receptionist said as she looked over my papers is, well look at that, Happy Birthday!  As I gave a little chuckle, HA yea...HAPPY birthday to me.  She looked at me as if she was looking into a lost child's eyes, which I was, could tell I was scared out of my mind and said "this is the best gift you will ever give yourself", I nodded as if I believed her when I was trying to believe it when I was telling myself that.  I sat in the lobby to wait my turn to go through all the fun paperwork and can honestly say, I cannot remember a thing that was going through my head.  I just couldn't believe I was there.  I wasn't somewhere that I could just hop in my car and drive home if I didn't like it.  I was half way across the country about to expose a secret that only I knew about, that I was about to go through so much therapy and work on my inner self, digging so deep to feelings that I haven't even touched, to learn how it is to be vulnerable and authentic.  Will people like me here?  Do I need to keep up this persona, this mask, that everything is really fine with me, that I just need "a LITTLE" help with a few things here and there.  Will I ever know what it truly feels like to be ME in a friendship, a relationship, to someone who is going through something EXACTLY like me?

The facility was super nice and could see why it was so highly rated throughout the country.  I was trying not to think of it as a treatment center, or rehab, but a place who accepts all, judgement free zone, a place where you can literally hit pause on life and stop all the chaos going on around you and to learn how to live a life full of health and happiness, because we only got one shot at this right?  So it was time to get this show started, they took my bags upstairs to my room and I was sent into the cafe for lunch.  Really?  The first stop is putting me in a room full of patients who all know each other already, AND food?!  You know the very first day of school and your scared shitless (what do you mean that is not a word, Mr. Spell Check man?!) about walking into a classroom not knowing who is in your class, where you are going to sit, who will you have to talk to?  Yea, that awesome feeling x 100 is about what I was feeling as I walked down the hall to see everyone who I will be sharing this journey with for the first time.  As I was walking down the hall, I was looking all around me to see what it was like.  It was your basic hall way with doors that led to offices or group rooms, there was a larger room where you spent down time, bathrooms, it really did remind me of an admissions building on a college campus type feel.  I get to the cafe and had to take my jacket off because you were not allowed to wear anything with pockets or hoods while eating.  I slowly walked in and there was chatter everywhere, tables filled with 6 or so girls at each, and then there was me.  I felt like the record scratched and all  heads turned to this girl with fear in her eyes, white Nike crew socks and tennis shoes on, and gym clothes, looking around for my name tag.  I tried keeping on a brave face but there was no hiding how nervous I was.  I did make eye contact with a lot of the girls just for obvious reasons and wondering who the "newbie" was and just wanted to find my seat as quickly as I could.  Once I did,  I opened my plate topper to a PB&J sandwich with carrot sticks.  At this point, the knot in my stomach had completely filled my entire body and the last thing on my mind was eating.  Each table has a staff member sitting with them to monitor the meal because you were expected to complete 100% of all meals.  The staff member was super welcoming and introduced me to the rest of the girls at the table.  They were very welcoming and asked where I was from etc, but as soon as I opened my mouth to talk like I was straight out of a country western movie, they knew I was definitely from the South. :)  For the first time in my life, I didn't know how to carry on a conversation, I couldn't think of any open ended questions to ask, I just couldn't THINK about anything other than how the hell am I supposed to eat this sandwich.  We had 30 minutes to eat and when time was up, I had only got 1/2 the sandwich down and a few carrot sticks.  Luckily, you get a "free pass" for your first meal to not have to drink Boost in the form of how ever many calories you left on your plate.  After sitting through the longest thirty minutes of my life, we got a quick break to go outside and OMG, fresh air could not have come at a better time, not only does Denver have 0% humidity, I just needed some reassurance I wasn't just stuck in a bad dream, that this place is real and I am breathing.

So, what was going through my head at this point now that I got through my first meal?  A big olllll, WTF am I doing here?!  Everyone was paired up sharing stories, having small talk, and I was the new girl, not knowing what to say, how to say it, what can and cannot I talk about here?  Sadly, I was already comparing myself to others, judging their bodies, wishing mine looked like theirs, wondering what their story was, how long had they been here, will I get to the point of feeling comfortable here like they seem to be?  But, one of the questions and self judgments I had that thankfully later learned almost everyone had when they first arrived was, am I even sick enough to be here?  I don't reallllly have an eating disorder.  Do I really have an eating disorder? Am I skinny enough to be here?  Everyone else is skinnier than me, was I doing my ED wrong?  My competitive side got jealous that my sick mind was thinking other girls were better at their ED than me, they did get skinny and I didn't, why do I fail at everything?  It must be nice to be that skinny, to be able to feel comfortable in jeans, because everyone's preconceived notion on eating disorders is that you have to be rail thin, see every bone in your body, news flash, YOU DON'T.  People with ED's come in all different forms, shapes, and sizes and that is what I wish people would understand.  I hate when I hear people say in a sarcastic tone "ha, obviously I don't have an eating disorder" if they think they are "too big".  I just want to respond, well, I don't know? Do you?  Even if someone is really skinny, you don't know their story, what they face on a daily basis, what their inner demon may be.

Okay, sorry, little tangent there, back on track now after my vent moment....  Well, now that I know and believe what I just preached about, at THAT time, I didn't because how low my self-confidence was and how deep I was in my E.D, I DID think I was "too fat" to be there, maybe people are looking at me wondering why I was there?  I look fine, not that skinny, is she faking it?  Does she deserve to be here?  HA, if I only knew what I was about to go through.  It's just like me being at home in CLT, just automatically implanting all of these made up stories in peoples minds when they look at me or talk to me, analyzing every inch of skin on my body, what I was doing in life, and that everything was automatically negative.  I just overwhelmed my own mind with negative self talk and just wanted to runaway.  We were still being monitored as we "mindfully walked" outside (you had to keep a slow and steady pace), keeping close corners, but I looked up at the sky and just asked myself why????  Why did I tell my secret that landed me here, I could've done this on my own but I had to open my big, fat mouth and deal with this completely nauseous, uncomfortable feeling and there was no turning back. 

When I snapped back to reality, it was time to go back inside to start groups.  The first was thankfully in small groups that we were assigned to every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday called Process Group.  This is a time after lunch where we can reflect on how the day is going, how we are feeling, if we have any specific topics that we want to talk about in more of an intimate setting rather than infront of everyone that was there.  So I was paired with four other girls and we would meet with our primary therapist we were assigned to.  I quickly grew to like these groups because you could really talk about ANNNNYTHING you could imagine, whether it be eating disorder related or not, it was OUR time.  Well, since this was my first one, I didn't even know how to say how I felt because I haven't allowed myself to FEEL anything in about 8 years because I would use my behaviors to erase anything I was feeling (good or bad) because I didn't deserve to have feelings, I was just space in this world.  (hm, how many times can I use "feel" in a sentence)  When it got to my turn, I tried so hard keeping it together, but I just started to cry, I was just so confused, overwhelmed, scared, nervous, alone.  Everyone was super supportive and just kept saying, we know exactly how you feel, everyone has their "first day" and it is scary as hell, BUT, it will get better, remember why you are here and how awful your life was getting before you reached this point, TRUST THE PROCESS.  It was very comforting to hear that from the other girls and as they started to explain their stories, their authentic feelings in the moment, what they wanted to talk about, I was like WOW, maybe I am not alone?!  They feel like that too???  I'm not the only one who shames the person they are and hates their reflection and hates their body and just, AHHHHHH, wants to scream out of frustration not knowing who they are!  It made me really start to think of the reasons why I chose to enter this treatment and knew God had a better plan for me here than torturing myself every day back home.  After that group was over we would have snack.  Wait, again?  I am eating again?  I had to let 1/2 a sandwich actually digest so not only having that anxiety of calories that are now IN my body, I have to eat again and let THAT digest too?  Dear. Lord.  See, this is how my mind would process eating food on a daily basis.  Say I would eat a PB&J.  My mind would break down every ingredient in the food, okay so I have bread (which is carbs that could slowly turn into fat if I have too much, PB (fat), Jelly (sugar), so I am eating fat and sugar, awesome.  With everyyyyy mealllll, break down the ingredients and automatically categorize them into "bad" food groups, even got to the point where I was eating TONS of vegetables, I thought I was eating too much that was making me fat.  

What my E.D. mind would think when I eat.

What I want my mind to think about when I eat.

                                   
Yea, I know what you're thinking, I'm crazy.  BUT, good news, luckily my snack was a bowl of fruit which put my mind at ease because in my mind, fruit doesn't really digest to anything but if I were to eat crackers or a cookie, that would digest strictly to fat, so I was good, give me fruit allllll day.  I was quickly realizing how much I was about to have to eat (6 meals a day), and by have to eat, I mean HAVE to eat infront of staff members while the bathrooms remained locked until certain times in the day (unless you were in a more advanced level of care, I'll explain later).  

Next up, I got upstairs for the first time where my bedroom would be but also the art room and community room for 24 hour care patients.  I sat down beside a girl who on her second day as we waited for Art Therapy to start.   We quickly had a lot in common with uncomfortable feelings and being in treatment for the first time.  She asked what I did for a living and told her I was a fitness coach and she said I probably should find another name for that because if others start asking, some may get extremely triggered because their relationship with exercise and the fact we are not allowed to even talk about food or exercise with others, especially during meals would also be another good idea.  OH GOODIE!  Now I am going to be judged even more, because obviously in my mind that is what everyone has been doing all day to me, by what I do for a living.  Now they are going to be judging my body and maybe now realize why I am here because I'm not skinny enough for my profession.  First I thought I wasn't skinny enough to be there, but now maybe the reason I was there is to learn how to lose weight through healthy eating to be a trainer.  That's what I will learn here too, right?  A proper meal plan will I'm sure help me lose weight instead of stuffing my face just to get rid of it.  Then, my mind went to, okay, so this is why I am here, to learn how to eat and lose weight.  YES!  I won't be swollen anymore from purging and allowing my body to absorb the nutrients it needs, orrrr something like that. 

I know, I know, my mind was "out of its mind".  So, moving on, went to Art Therapy for the first time ever.  I've alwaysssss been a one for doodling, yea my high school agendas and notebooks were pretty on fleek (yes I did), so I was pretty interested in this.  I never really thought about expressing how I felt through drawing or coloring or just doodling until that very moment when I really got into the exercise.  I have kept all of my drawings/representations as well as pottery art which was a really cool outing we had.  Here's a fewwwww: (I'm no Picasso.)

My pottery plate I made with a saying my mom
would and will continue to always tell me.

                       

Isn't he a little hottie.

Just some doodlin'

One of the girls drew this for me, of me. :) (Thanks, KimmiCakes) 

Friendship bracelets became a HUGE part of art therapy and a time passer activity.
Thanks to my girl, Lexi, for teaching me. xoxo

After that group was finished, we had some down time which, I didn't really know what that was because I always had to be, GO GO GO.  We sat around the community room and either read, write in your journal they give you, or anything to past time.  Still having my first day jitters, I didn't know "what to do with my hands" but saved by the bell/needle, I was called in to get some blood-work done.  Here is where tears would come again, and not from drawing blood!  I was so emotional that even the nurse asking how my first day was going, I just started balling.  The head doctor of the center was in there as well to just ask some questions and it was so hard for me to get out a word because it was the first time I felt like I COULD show emotion and it not be in front of the girls.  Why not in front of the girls?  I wanted to act like I was strong enough to handle this.  That I knew exactly what I was doing. (hint again: mask what I was really feeling)  The nurse was sooooo unbelievably nice and funny and she said she knew it was my birthday and "personally invited me" to karaoke in the community room that happened every Thursday night.  I shrugged my shoulders and said maybe and went on with the day...that did make me feel really good though.

More time had past and it was time for dinner, again, "first day of school walk in to the cafeteria hunting for your name tag" and then thirty minutes went by.  I was SOOOO ready to just be done for the day and get to my room so I can just CHILLAXXX after one hell of a day.  So dinner, ohhhh lookie there, more food, more dissecting of every single ingredient that was going in to my body.  I was so freakin' beyond full at this point but nope, had to sit with it, and with the awkward silence moments at the table.  Afterwards, I was able to get outside for the last day that day before heading upstairs with the other girls that were staying under monitored care.  When I finally got a chance to go to my room for the first time, I opened the door and almost wanted to drop to my knees.  With the dorm like hallways, it was most definitely a dorm like room with very little space.  I had a twin size bed, a small night stand with a lamp, a few drawers and hanging space for clothes, a window, and a place to hang cards.  It was small but honestly, I wanted small.  I needed a small space where I felt like I could just hide out for the night and pretend no one knew I was there.  We finally got to get electronics after dinner so I immediately checked out my phone and went back in my room to call my mom.  By this point I had completely forgot it was my birthday so when I turned on my phone, I was SO overwhelmed by all the texts, voicemails, fbook messages/posts I had received but also, you guest it, brought me to the most tears I had cried that day.  It just all hit me, it was my birthday, I am sitting on the floor of my new, small room, not having any friends 'yet', and scared out of my mind.  I called my mom and dad and just begged them to keep reminding why I was there, why I needed this, why I deserve this because I could've packed up and left then and there.  The nurse from earlier peaked her head in to check on me (well, I'm sure she could hear my sniffles) and just reiterated everyone has their "first day", that I was here for a reason, TRUST THE PROCESS, you're strong and brave enough to come here which was the hardest part.  While I could hear my parents agreeing with everything she was saying in the background, I still just couldn't swallow that THIS was the present moment and not some bad dream.

I got off the phone because my mom, being the motivator she is, said now get out there and go sing some karaoke!  The Tracey I know would've been the first one to grab the mic and start singing Britney Spears, remember, "you've got this!"  I wiped my tears, put on a brave face, and walked into the community room where the girls were and sat down to listen to them sing.  So, it did allow me to crack a smile, finally, and I am glad I went, but I still just wanted to be in my room, alone, and take a chill pill.  Little did I know, my eating for the day wasn't done yet, we STILL had a snack to eat before lights out.  Sooooo that little chill pill had to wait.  This actually turned in to my favorite part of the meal plan because we were allowed to get hot tea and boyyyyyyy did that hit the spot in helping me calm down.  After snack we had to check our vitals every night, turn in our electronics, and then the bathrooms were unlocked to get ready for bed.  I was trying not to look at myself in the mirror while I was brushing my teeth because it just became a habit with bad body image, but I actually did because it was nice to see a familiar face.  I looked at myself in the eyes for the first time in a very long time and told myself in my head, "I've got this."  I'll never forget that moment.

As I got back to my room, I heard a knock on my cracked door and in popped one of the girls I had briefly met earlier.  She handed me a card and again, reiterated that I am not alone here, everyone is family, it's going to be okay, here is a little something for you.  I opened up the card and my jaw dropped.  All of the girls on my floor had signed a birthday card for me.  When I thought the waterworks were done for the day, man, that was one of the most touching moments I think I can remember in a very long time.  So if ya'll are reading this, THANK YOU!!! I still look at that card from time to time.  I placed it on my night stand and stared at it with a smirk.  I was looking around the room again pinching myself to make sure this was real life then glanced over at the journal they provided us at check in.  Journaling was something I never had the patience for and never really knew "how to do it," but I opened it up to the first blank page and started writing.... and folks, I haven't stopped (as well as considering this blog a journal for me as well :) ).  This is only the second time I have looked back at my very first entry on May 7th.  Some of the things I wrote were, "What am I doing here?  I made the biggest mistake of my life!  All of this just for acceptance?  This is the worst birthday ever.  I feel like no one wants me around.  I am alone.  I just pray tomorrow is better."  Even though I just had such a heart-warming moment with my birthday card.

I closed my journal, turned off my lamp, and finally after the biggest day of my life, closed my eyes to the sweet sounds of a better tomorrow...



Thinking of how to talk about my time in treatment was hard.  How can I even begin to explain what it was like?  It was 2 1/2 months of hell on earth....but by day 68 and me walking out of those doors for the last time, I felt like I was heaven on earth.  Since my first day was so emotionally draining, it was important to get somewhat of a gist of how days were structured to set up for the next post.  NOOO NO, I am not going through each individual day, but rather a summary of ALL things learned while I was out there.  That's the good stuff.  Even though this post doesn't really do my first day justice, I hope you could somewhat paint a picture with me at ERC as we continue our time at treatment, together.  Now get some rest, wake up call comes early and remember....trust the process.

TLC

The Past That Will Not Define Me

Okay, having a very motivational moment as I'm sitting in Starbucks wanting to get up and start dancing like a back up singer as R. Kelly's "I'm the world's greatest" just came on Spotify.  If you ever need a pick me up or just want to listen to a "feel good song", I highly recommend listening to that.  You'll thank me later.  Allllrighty, SO, I'm not going to bore you with evvvvery single detail that I have been through for the last six years of being out of college (had to swallow hard there thinking it has been six years, goood lawd) but I do want to explain the past years of how I got to Charlotte and most importantly, how I got to the point where I finally threw up my hands and yelled, HELP.  The world got real pretty fast.

Aw gee, thanks, Ryan!  Sooooo, yea, I graduated.  I still didn't really know what I wanted to do or what to make my career out of, when in my mind I thought you were supposed to have this all together the moment you step out of college.  I knew I wanted to be around people, entertain people, not sit a desk, but quite frankly, I didn't really know what jobs entailed those qualities, and more importantly, didn't even know how to just be by myself without having to display it on the court.  Okay, I wasn't this awkward girl that when you throw me in a public situation I would just stand there hoping someone waves back, but I just didn't know what else I was good at nor what a career looked like. I always had to be around action and activity to make sure I wasn't missing out on anything.  I have a bad case of this little thing I like to call, FOMO (fear of missing out), we all know it, we all feel it, we all want to "be in the know at all times", or at least I did (eek, ok DO).  I was so used to not necessarily being in the spotlight but knowing people around me, knowing the in's and out's around town, but who's going to know me now that I am not on the court, not #33, not his girlfriend, who IS this Tracey girl?

Folks, I've tried it "all", and by all, I mean having 6 jobs in the past 6 years and yes, I am kind of embarrassed to say that, BUT who's to blame a girl that's just trying to figure out what she likes?  I'm sure there may be people out there with more or less jobs than that BUT I was FREAKING OUT.  All of my friends had a clear vision of where they wanted to go, what they wanted to do, and I just wanted to keep the college party going because that is what I knew and I was scared to know anything else.  I was lost.  SO, my first attempt at this real world thing was a move to Florida to take a job in the Resort Tourism/Hospitality industry.  You may put two and two together from the last post and think, waaaait a tic, wasn't your college boyfriend from Florida?  Good, you're catching on.  Yes, yes he was and yes, I moved to where he was from and we actually tried to make it work for a few months.  Not sure if any readers out there are like, 'yea we know how that goes when you move for a boy'.  Unfortunately, we did not work out even though we wanted to and got to the point we were forcing it, but I do not have any regrets in giving it a try and for what I learned while I was there.  He could see right through me, he knew exactly what I was trying to do, to hold on to the external praises to remind me I'm doing somewhat of the right thing.  We would go out but instead of paying him attention, I wanted to get other attention from folks to start knowing more people in my new home so I won't feel alone and that I look like I am loving life and having a good time.  On the outside, you would think I loved living down in Florida, on the inside, I was homesick, I was empty, I didn't know what I was doing, I couldn't be by myself, and he could see that.  I am not blaming myself entirely for our relationship as we both had our faults but now looking back, I don't blame him for getting frustrated with me when I didn't want to stay in on the weekends, I had to be out and about to again, make it look like I was in a good place and expectations I had on myself to make a name for myself, because that's what we're supposed to do, right?  Take everything we learned from college and put it towards real world decision making and impress everyone that hey, maybe she does know more than how to box out and shoot a free throw.  So even though my relationship didn't work, I still had my eating disorder to always depend on for when I needed a release from the stress and anxiety of life after college and a job that I didn't really like BUT it got me in front of people.  It seemed good to say that I worked at this gorgeous resort, right on the Gulf of Mexico, but I was looking for something bigger, something better, because I always had to be bigger and better in college for people to notice me.

Had the privilege of helping coach this VERY special team of young ladies the past two basketball seasons.  BEST of luck to each of them as they try out for their school teams this year. xoxo - Coach T

After I gave Florida a try, I packed up my jeep and moved to Atlanta to get back in the sports industry because maybe that IS what I would enjoy, being around people who loved sports and athletics, and maybe that's what I am expected to do?  That was my problem, I was not only looking for jobs that I might like but what would sound cool to say I'm doing and what outsiders may expect me to be doing.  Everyone knew me as an athlete from high school through college and I didn't want to lose that image because I still believed I was one, I was still killing myself in the gym every day as if I was training for the Olympics. (every cardio machine in the gym then lift then ABS, maybe a spin class or cardio strength class, then do two a days here and there - that was basically my routine when you read "working out") If everyone knew me as an athlete, I am working in the sports industry, I need to keep up my athletic body image and couldn't rely on practice and games to do that anymore.  I wanted people to look at me and know that I worked out, that I had a good body, that I must take greatttt care of myself and then when I say I work in sports, that would look even cooler, and maybe even impress dare I say, a guy?  Well this quickly turned in to something I HATED.  It was exactly what I did not want to do.  Sit in a cubicle and make cold calls trying to sell different types of seats for football and men's basketball at a popular college in the area.  It was the first time I had to ever read from a script, get hung up on, sit all.day.long., and was monitored with everything I did.  I was there for about 9 months until I could not take it anymore.  After sitting all day, I would think in my head, okay well if I am sitting all day that means I am not burning any calories, on top of eating lunch which is turning directly in to fat, so I need to work out twice as hard because I am barely being mobile throughout the day.  My eating disorder pretty much drove me at that job.  Hang on Trace, just one more hour until you get home, do what you gotta do, then go work out.  AND, if you have never been to Atlanta, let me tell you what, there are some damn good looking people there.  SO of course I had to keep up with that as well.  So not only did I hate my job, I wasn't doing anything I enjoyed, I was living through "others expectations" that I planted in their heads, and couldn't keep anything in my body other than liquids, and I had the WORST self-confidence.  Still to this day, but not assss bad, I would/will walk in to a bar or wherever and as soon as I see someone who I think is prettier, skinnier, better dressed than me, my shoulders will immediately slump down and lose all positive thoughts in thinking I looked somewhat good when I walked out of my apartment door.  I was back on my hamster wheel of just working, working out, eating disorder behaviors, being so depressed I wouldn't want to leave my room, and shaming myself for still not having a career or at least an idea of what I see myself doing.  What was REALLY frustrating me and instead of really "being there" at a job mentally, all I could think of all day is why ALL of my working out didn't change my body?  Now looking back I knew exactly why, but that's neither here nor there, working out for hours, not eating properly, definitely burning more than I was keeping in my body, because my muscles were so over trained at this point they couldn't change, I had plateaued.  I wasn't giving them the nutrients they needed and never gave them a break.  I didn't believe in breaks or "days off".  If I didn't sweat in a day, I would think I would automatically gain 10 pounds over night.  UGHHH I just get so mad typing this because now that I have such a clearer mindset it is so obvious!  Of course I would never achieve "my perfect body" because I put it through its own torture chamber. (and that continued until earlier this year)

So, what did I do next?  Looked for the next bigger and better thing.  Well, Tracey, where to next, how about giving Charlotte a try and being closer to home?  Maybe that will help get you back on track?  Sure, let's do that.  So, I finally expressed something I have ALWAYS been so interested in just never really pursued it because again "I was an athlete and had to keep up the sporty image" but I LOVE fashion, ya'll.  Besides the awkward phase in middle school where I thought Adidas, Umbro, and Nike were the only brands known to man and the shorter the hair the better (I will spare ya'll a picture of that time, trust me on this one), I LOVED getting dressed up when I could.  Of course it would still be lose fitting and nothing ever tight against my skin, but I thought I had an okay sense of style.  So I found a job in fashion that brought me to Charlotte, said DEUCES to Atlanta and was on my merry way to the Queen City.  In my mind I was thinking this was it, I am going to be closer to home, I am getting in to something I love, I know a lot of people in Charlotte, this will help my eating disorder go away, all will be right.  Well, let's just say since I have been in Charlotte, out of those 6 jobs, 4 have happened here.  

Lobby of my first fashion job in CLT

The job had me sitting again ALL DAY LONG, stressful work that caused me more anxiety than ever, what was I doing to myself?  All because it "sounded cool to get in to fashion", it was not the department of fashion I wanted, I just said yes to get me out of the current situation I was in (because that's exactly why you should accept a job?).  It was all customer service over the phone and was not even around clothes or helping girls look and feel like rock stars when they would put on an outfit.  So after a few months, I THOUGHT I hit rock bottom (until later you will see), I would cry to mom every morning on the phone on the way to work, my eating disorder was getting so bad that honestly, I can't even remember some days at work or even some workouts that I was so outside of my mind and body that all I could think about is where can I get to the nearest bathroom.  My life was falling, and it was falling fast.  I am on my third job, in my third city, barely 2 years after college.  This CAN'T be normal.  I am failing all expectations "everyone" had on me and failing myself.  My family was probably thinking what the hell have we created with some of the things I would say about myself, and when I would look at my brother thinking he had it all.  He had a stable job, got his CPA, making good money, and here I was, what I thought "the disappointment" of the family because I just couldn't get my act together.  BUT again, I could always depend on my E.D. to escape all those negative feelings with how empty physically and mentally I would feel after purging (literally and through working out) and keep moving on. 

You could probably guess what happened next, yup, okay where to next?  Well, I can honestly say God was on my side with this one because one day a message from Him came in the form of a facebook posting about a boutique coming to Charlotte that I have grown to LOVE.  Long story short, I would go on to be Manager at this boutique and help it get off the ground.  Maybe this will give me the confidence I'm missing and sense of accomplishment by running this store and building it's name throughout the city.  I got to play dress up every day, help plan and host fashion shows, help with in-store events, and even go on a buying trip to L.A.  I was happy.

*mic drop*

 It gave me life again and it gave me my name back, because, I was pretty good at that job.  But sadly, my E.D. was still very present and just couldn't appreciate anything I was given.  Was this job too good to be true?  Am I a worthy enough person to deserve something like this?  I am finally getting paid to help women pick out clothes that they feel comfortable in and make them feel like it was their closet every time they walked through the doors, why am I still not fully happy with myself?  Why could I not say the same things I would say to these ladies to myself, how beautiful they looked, how amazing their figure looked in that dress, how their face lit up when they looked in the mirror.  It was a catch 22, I loveddddd making women feel good about themselves but on the inside, I could barely look at my reflection.  Still to this day, but I am really working on it, it's hard to even get my hair done because you are forced to look in the mirror as they are doing your hair.  I get piles of magazines to look through, look down at my phone, anything to avoid looking at my face in the mirror.  WHY?!  Still wanting more external attention to keep me going (ya'll it's sad to think how much of the public eye turned me into it's play doll.  that's how I would get by every day just receiving a compliment or a text or an email just of SOMEONE having a thought of me) I was STILL looking for the "next best thing" and all my negative self talk thinking, was I really even good at the job?  

Okay, so I know I love fashion, I grew to love planning events and fashion shows, I loved being in the presence of new people every day and getting to know some great contacts throughout Charlotte.  Well one of those contacts would soon become my next "boss".  After some time at the boutique I was approached about an event planning position.  Event planning?!  OMG yes!  It was at a very well-known bar/restaurant in the city and boy oh boy would I get to know a lot of people and a lot of people know me.  I would probably get the most outside attention for my work, be in the spotlight, show the real world what Tracey can really do, I should take this opportunity right?  Well, since I had no confidence in myself, how could I trust myself with a huge decision like this?  I would ask everyone what I should do, well not everyone but my closest friends, my parents, family, other business professionals, I just had no clue what to do.  I had SO many voices in my head, going back and forth like a ticking time bomb. 

CLT roomies for 3 years

Thank God my eating disorder was still my biggest fan because it helped me escape from making the decision for a lot longer time than I should have been allotted.  I would go work out until my lips would go numb and I couldn't feel my thighs.  This time, instead of stuffing my face I would barely eat.  I was so stressed out with life and having to "start over" every year with something new.  No one was forcing me to do this but myself.  Well, I decided to jump and take the event planning job.  This is the longest I would keep a job, oh what Tracey, more than 2 months? HA. HA. no.  It began as hell but as I got the swing of things, it did become fun but at the same time, probably the most pressure I ever put on myself to perform perfectly every single day.  During my time at this position, I learned the most about life and what I could and could not handle now looking back at it.  I learned so many tools that I will take with me for the rest of my life as well as relationships from some of the most supportive and respected people I could ask for in a work place.  They could tell I would struggle, when I would punish myself for forgetting an order of chicken tenders or promising more/less space than the host would anticipate.  One thing my mentor would say that would help me snap back to reality that I will always remember when I would mess up was, "at the end of the day, we are not brain surgeons, we are not curing cancer."  BUT, I wanted to be the BEST, I wanted to be the event planner known for not making mistakes, for busting her ass, for always having full calendars, for being out and about to all networking events, to be known and to be seen.  My competitiveness from sports wasn't gone and will never be gone.  The better I would be at my job,  the more I would maybe start believing in myself that I am a worthy person, that I have done well for myself, and not have to have tons of people telling me I have. Wellllll, I would mess up, I would make stupid mistakes, I wouldn't leave until I would have every perfect and ready for the next day, I couldn't live in the present, I was always thinking of the events the next day, or I could probablyyyyy fit in one more party here and there, so let me see what I can do.  After stressful days and days when I would leave feeling like a failure, I would either workout by taking 2-3 sometimes 4 fitness classes a day, 2 in the morning, 2 at night, or just spend hours in the gym or purge anytime I could find to escape those feelings.  I didn't want to FEEL anything.  If I didn't have time to work out or just didn't feel like it, this is when my E.D behaviors would happen MULTIPLE times a day, I just always wanted to be EMPTY.

My best friend's wedding

Outside of work, I would try and have fun, but it wouldn't last.  I wouldn't have any confidence in how I looked so would always have to swallow how I really felt and put on a good face for friends to show them I was having a good time.  Everyone had boyfriends and girlfriends so I had to make sure I looked extra happy in making outsiders think "I don't need any one to make me happy, I am confident in being single, ALL MY SINGLE LADIES! (what up, B)."  My E.D. was taking away all the fun things that were really going on in the present day.  I'm sick just thinking of times I was "there" but not mentally there.  I would want to crawwwwl out of my skin and only want to be alone.  I hate that my mind and negative self talk got in the way of so many life memories like my best friends weddings, bachelorette trips to VEGAS, Key West, Charleston, etc.  I still was having a lot of fun going to these places, having the friends I do in my life, and getting invited to so many awesome events around the city, BUT, it just wasn't enough to fight off the inner hate.

#KeepPounding

If things with my E.D couldn't get worse, I dealt with two family traumas within 3 months of each other.  Not only was I in a stressful yet very rewarding work situation, I received a phone call that I had just lost my uncle in a traumatic accident in NYC where he lived.  He wasn't just an uncle, he was the person I looked up to, the person I was determined to become one day, he lived (what looked like) an amazing life in Manhattan, owned his own publicist company, was known throughout Broadway and theater industry as one of the best.  I would so look forward to seeing him around the holidays because I was so excited to hear about the latest lunch he had with some celebrity or who he grabbed drinks with, my favorite he would just casual say oh yea, me, Tom Cruise, and Rosie O'Donnell were talking...and me and my brother would just stop and look at eachother and be like...ummm...WHAT?!?!  But that was gone, in an instant.  I just talked to him a few days before and he was gone.  I wrote a tribute to him that I posted on facebook and one of the singers he managed saw it and shared it on her wall.  An editor from a theater magazine saw it and asked me if it would be okay to publish it in their next issue which was beyond meaningful for myself and family. 

 heard these words from Miller’s niece Tracey that surely reflects the feelings we all share:

“Words can’t describe losing a loved one so unexpectedly. My uncle was one of kind and so full of life. One of life’s lessons he taught me was to follow your dreams and don’t ever give up. He hoped in his car, drove to NYC with nothing but hope and faith to make it in the city that never sleeps. 30+ years later the list of credentials, lives he has touched and what he has accomplished in his lifetime and entertainment industry is endless. He never looked back and always kept a positive foot forward no matter the obstacles life threw at him. I looked up to him not just as an uncle but as a mentor. I could not be prouder to call Miller Wright my uncle and to say he will be missed is an understatement. With this tragic passing, the saying “live everyday like it’s your last” has never hit so hard. I do not normally post things like this but want to wish everyone to live life to its fullest and be thankful for each day.

The family would like to express sincere appreciation for all the prayers and condolences.

Heaven received a perfect angel and know the stars will be shining extra bright tonight.”

So me, not really knowing how to grieve, used my E.D. to again, feel empty inside because I didn't want to feel anything after this loss.  There was no way I would know how to deal with it otherwise than not deal with it all.  Like I said before, it was like my boyfriend, my best friend, the only relationship I trusted, I had control over, something I could turn to that would always be there for me.  Well, things only got worse.  Three months later I received a call, a call that I will never forget, a call that brought my family closer than ever before (if that's possible).  I was stressed the F*** out about an event that was going on and my mom called.  I answered with a bitchy, YES MOM WHAT, I'M BUSY!  She was quiet, I could tell something was wrong.  The next words brought me to me knees, and tears actually running down my face as I type this, I had lost my oldest brother to his battle with Cerebral Palsy, three days before his 30th birthday.  I went numb.  It was like someone just stabbed me in the heart and I didn't even feel it.  Could this really be happening.  Not only to me, but my parents, my mom that lost a brother and son, my dad, my other brother, within such a short time frame of losing my uncle.  I went crazy.  I still wanted to work to keep my mind off having to grieve the loss, I went crazy with my E.D. to keep my mind off grieving the loss.  Again, it got to a point where I can barely remember getting by some days.  We took care of what we had to take care of as a family and then I was back to work.  (SIDE NOTE:  I am not sure how to interpret this but as I typed about losing my brother, the then bartender that was the first to see me drop to my knees and would hold me until I was ready to stand, to help me calm down and let her know how she can help, the girl who drove me to meet my parents as soon as they got to Charlotte, walked in to Starbucks and sat right beside me as we had small talk.  Is that a sign that everything IS okay right now?  That I AM doing the right thing with this blog?  I don't know, but just very interesting...and if YOU are reading this, thank you. so great seeing you yesterday :) xoxo)

I continued with my job until I was tired of the constant pressure I was putting on myself, on top of it being the worst year of my life changing jobs AGAIN, losing two special, special loved ones, and finally getting tired of this damn demon that was living inside me that was thriving more and more off the secrecy as it got worse.  I would spend days just laying in bed with the lights off and blinds closed, not dealing with the world outside me, not wanting to be seen in public because I was just so disgusted with myself and what I was doing with my life.  I couldn't find internal happiness and going about it all the wrong ways.  I was trying to find internal happiness in a job.  My life depending on what job I was doing and how others perceived me.  My life was a job, because that is what life is.  A job.  You go to work every day, you make money, you come home, you do it all over again the next day. Yea?  HA.  I had to keep busy with a job because I needed any excuse to delay accepting myself as a person and not a work professional as long as I could.  Even though I realllllly enjoyed making all the connections I did while at this job from working with Charlotte professional teams, to CEO's of Fortune 500 companies, to non-profit organizations, it was amazing, BUT, with me being at my deepest point in my E.D. it was making every decision for me at this point, it was almost like I had a film over my face that I saw all things blurry, through a different type vision and not a clear one (orrrr, a MASK).  I received an opportunity to get in the fitness industry.  I was ready to say good-bye to the service and events industry because I finally had the opportunity to just workout and get paid and not have any care in the world because I could finally get the body I wanted because that is what is expected of me, to have a good body while being a trainer.  YES.  My E.D threw away all my hard ass work I did while in events and said hello to sweating like I never have before.  Granted, I did really believe in this fitness brand coming to the city and would love to help make it grow but my mind lit up like July 4th on the inside thinking I could finally work out for however long as I wanted because I was now in the fitness industry and I'm "allowed" to.  No one would ever question me.

My future SIL and I doing a Thanksgiving Turkey Trot

I am finally at the point in my story where I threw my hands up and yelled HELP!!!  I was working as a fitness coach, liked everyone I was working with, loved all of our members, and especially the franchise owner who I owe the world to at this point.  I got back to thinking, this is what people are expecting me to be doing right?  I was a collegiate athlete, I loved to work out, this is who I was.  My E.D LOVED it.  Until quickly, my life became at its darkest point.  Not only did I just make a HUGE job change, but it was also right in the middle of holiday season, and I was moving apartments.  Even though everything was completely falling a part outside of work, every time I got on the mic it was like I could get lost in the moment and motivate others and be positive for them and not myself.  I loveddddd seeing members having a smile on their face during my class as I would rap along to songs and push them beyond their limits and motivate them to go one inch further. Like the fashion job, why couldn't I be this motivator for myself like that?  Why do I torture myself in these roles pretending to be someone I am not?  Preaching to them to be healthy, live a healthy and active lifestyle, while I go take care of business every time I put something in my mouth.  Not just that but not even feel like I had a home to go to.  My living situation was FAR from perfect and it brought me to sleeping on friends couches or spare bedrooms or staying at my brothers.  I lived out of a bag I would pack and leave in my car of gym clothes I would need for the week really not knowing where I was going to stay at night.  Some nights I wouldn't even sleep with all the anxiety and depression I had, especially when the next family life event happened when I had lost my last grandparent, my grandmother who I cannot begin to tell you how amazing she was.  I was falling apart like I had never before.  I was getting dizzy all of the time on top of working out in sweatshirts, barely eating, not sleeping.  I couldn't tell you what my body looked like because it would always be covered up in baggy clothes when in reality, what IF I had a good body and just never saw it.  I had been seeing a therapist for quite some time now (sorry, haven't even mentioned that yet) and I could barely get any words out during sessions because all I would do is cry.  I was scaring my family half to death, I would have constant circles under my eyes, BUT, if you saw me, you would NEVER guess what I was really going through.  I was a pro at my eating disorder, it was the only thing I had left.  My mask was on every second of every day unless I was alone, and it was EXHAUSTING.  I do not want this to scare any one that knows me, but it did get to the point where I would have bad thoughts, and by bad, I mean BAD.  Nothing I don't think I would ever act on, but, just thoughts of knowing there is one thing I could do to make this all go away and not have to live through this pain any more.  I would have to get in the shower at the most random times in the day to just calm down and stop from having chills from anxiety and just stand there as the water would hit my face.  

When I told my therapist everything I had been doing and how bad it was getting, she told me one thing that changed my mindset and knowing okay, it's time I get help.  She said with how much I was working out, how much stress I was causing on all parts of my body, especially my heart, how much I was throwing up, how much I wasn't sleeping, I was on the path of a possible heart attack.  I couldn't believe the words that came out of her mouth and when she said that, something inside me woke up and said, help  me.  First step was telling my family my secret.  My secret was about to be revealed for the first time in 8 YEARS.  Was I really ready for it to be over?  To break up with something that has been with me through all of this.  YES.  So I told my parents, as you can imagine their reaction, they were disappointed but would do anything in their power to help and support me, next up my brother, that was probably tougher than my parents, but again, anything he could do to help me as well as his fiance, and then finally, moving out of my apartment  and into a healthier environment with my now roommate that I can never thank enough for helping me out of this hole I had fallen so deeply in.  Okay, so one step at a time I was slowly making the right changes in my life, until my therapist recommended me get help that was out of her hands at this point.  I was willing to try anything to help me see the point of living and get back to a Tracey I could recognize and so could my family and friends.  So, having that said, I was recommended to a treatment center in Denver, Colorado that was supposed to be the best in the country in dealing with eating disorders.  My first inside initial reaction was HELL NO, I am "not going to rehab, or whatever you want to call it because no one knows me to fail, to struggle, to not love herself" the whole secret would be out, I wasn't ready to stop the pain I was putting myself through.  I was addicted to it, it was my life for SO long, but seeing how it was affecting my family as well as myself and my friendships, I couldn't carry on like this.  THIS isn't life.  So I called the treatment center for an evaluation and they highlyyyy recommended me to admit with them.  After deep, deep thought, opening up to my at-the- time boss/owner who I so deeply trusted, my family, and if this wasn't a sign enough, having the center say they had an opening on May 7th, WHIIIIICH just so happened to be MY BIRTHDAY, I knew all signs pointed to it is finally time to hit the PAUSE button on life and work on Tracey for once.  No more making others happy before myself, no more wearing a mask of everything is fine in Tracey's world, no more "faking it til I make it" bullshit, it was MY TIME, my time to stop and thank God for giving me a chance to better myself and start understanding my purpose in life.  So this little Southern girl packed her suitcase, left everything behind in Charlotte, only told MAYBE a handful of people what I was really doing, and bought a one-way ticket to the Wild Wild West.  I hopped on the plane, scared as ALLLLL HELLLLLLL, but knew my life was about to change, for the better.  The wheels touched down in Denver and the cab dropped me off at my home for the next however many days.  Before I opened the doors not knowing what was on the other side, I closed my eyes, took a few deep breaths, reminded myself this is going to be the best birthday present I will ever have, said a prayer, and finally took the steps inside and checked-in to a place I will forever owe my life to....ERC.

My heart and soul - Family trip to San Francisco 

*Sigh*, this was a relief to get off my chest as well as a very, very emotional one.  A lot went on in the past 6 years and it probably took you about that long to read but the next chapter is a good one, a positive one. :)

"Sometimes, you have to get knocked down lower than you have ever been to stand back up taller than you ever were." - unknown

Fist pound,
TLC