ThruHazelEyes: Fearless: Being Terrified But Jumping Anyway

Dr. Lineberger and I after my very last treatment appointment! Good as new.
And just a chance for us to be the gansters that we are.

Drake, Biggie Smalls, baller flat screen TVs in every work space, a slide that is two stories high, branded t-shirts, and my favorite, Carolina Panthers inspired promotional material. Bet you would never guess I am talking about my dentist office that I go to here in Charlotte. Why am I telling ya'll this? Because this post is all about facing your fears, being fearless, continuing to take recovery head-on. But why the dentist? What does this have to do with recovery and my journey in living life to its absolute fullest. Sit back and get comfy, I'll tell you.

I wasn't joking.

I've been holding back something that I have been so embarrassed to tell anyone. Now I'm sure there are far worse things that I could be holding on to out of pure shame but this one is something I could never let out, never let anyone know, until recently. After all of these years of torturing myself, going to therapy, going to treatment, this never seemed to come up because I wanted to hold on to at least one thing I still had control over. Enough babbling so here it goes, my biggest avoidance of all, even after shouting to the world I had been battling an eating disorder, was that I was so shameful, so fearful, of going to the dentist and I have tucked that away for 10+ years. I hadn't been to the dentist since 2005 because that is the year this kind of all started. WHY? WHY would I not want to take care of my teeth of all things, why not go get them cleaned and exam-ed, make sure nothing is arising. I still get this overwhelming feeling of just shame and embarrassment of just typing this out and letting everyone reading this know. As I said since the very beginning, this is my place to come and just let it all out. After living my entire life with a mental disorder and what seems to be living behind a mask, trying so desperately to be someone I'm not, there is something so freeing of now telling my story that I will forever be writing and sharing it with the world.

So, back on track, the dentist. Now that we are all caught up of one of my most avoided fears, how did I finally get myself to go? Well it definitely wasn't just one morning I woke up and called to make an appointment. Hell No. This came with time. Something that I have struggled with in recovery. I keep telling myself to "trust the process" but on some days those words just aren't enough. Having to fight a demon inside your head 24/7, 365 gets quite exhausting and some days I just want to throw in the towel and say you win. The beast is too strong. I can't fight anymore. Those are the days where you test your will-power, your hunger to how bad you want recovery. Luckily, I am still here, talking to you and not back in treatment, and trust me there have been some close calls. I want so badly to stay in recovery and to continue to get to know more about this "Tracey" I am learning about every day. This Tracey is kind of cool in wanting nothing more but to live life and help others along the way. Do I want my subconscious mind to take all the hard work I have been doing for the past 2 years away? Again, it sounds wayyyyyy easier said than done but...I'm here, and timing could not have been more perfect. Throughout the past two years of hardcore therapy, I am challenged to get out of my comfort zone daily. They give me task or "homework" and it is up to me if I want to get it done. From ordering what I really want off the menu and not just what I think has the fewest calories, which basically is always a salad, to wearing casual clothes to my appointments and not gym clothes, don't work out two days in a row, to saying a simple 'no' when I always say 'yes', these little challenges were stepping stones to get to where I am today. Tackle a few at a time and continue to play the game of being fearless. Talk about control and avoidance, I even kept my dentist fear a secret from my team of doctors for the past few years, even before treatment. I knew I was about to lose all control of my eating disorder and if I kept this with me, maybe I will still get fulfillment out of my day knowing I still had one up on them. After slowly checking my homework off, one at a time, it came time to tackle the one I kept from them all. Something just told me it was time.

A couple of months ago it just started eating away at me, probably because after dealing with all the other shit I had to go through as far as challenges, peeling the onion you could say, it came to the layer of the dentist. So, the next appointment I had with my therapist I just sat down and flat out said, I haven't been to the dentist in 10 years. She had a deer-like look in her eyes and not really knowing where this came from or what to say. I took a deep breath afterwards and just sat back and was about to enjoy the ride of getting me to make an appointment. We took it one step at a time, first question she asked me was why? This is what I told myself, the dentist would be the one person who could possibly tell what I had been doing. He/she could tell I had been throwing up or not taking care of myself by the looks of my teeth and mouth. They would be the ones who would tell my parents something was going on with me or just look me in the eyes and ask why my teeth are rotting away from the acid and plaque build up (because I had painted a picture in my mind that my teeth were this bad). They would be the ones to make my eating disorder go away and I didn't want it to. I'm telling you, if one person even hinted towards me that something was up with my eating habits or exercise habits or losing weight, I would get irate because it was like someone attacking your best friend or husband or wife and you would do anything, say anything to make them think the complete opposite and that everything was fine. My eating disorder is what kept my alive and kept me from reality. There was no way in hell I was letting someone take that away from me. So, I let the years go on of avoiding what I was most fearful of, an office where everything would come out. I told my parents, "yea, yea I'll make an appointment," and pretend to go, but I knew that was no way to go on with my life. I kept telling myself if I was strong enough to put my life on pause and go to the world of unknown to Denver, CO for treatment, I could certainly bring myself to making a dentist appointment.

I started asking around what dentist my friends would recommend, look some up on the internet, and I kept hearing about this one dentist office where it is like the coolest vibe, dentist is young and awesome, atmosphere is one out of a modern-day coffee shop or swanky bar, and there is hip-hop playing all the time. Well, as great as that sounded I was scared to death to go to somewhere like that because I felt like I wasn't good enough or worthy enough. I would be so embarrassed to go in to an office with people around my age and have to tell complete strangers why it has been so long since I have been to the dentist and worse, what they would find was wrong. When I realized this office was literally about .5 mile away from my place, God was basically shoving me out the door to go. I had a therapy appointment the day before my appointment and I prepared for the worst. I told myself that my teeth were probably in the worst condition that they will ever see, mouth full of cavities, will need root canals, you name it. Of course my therapist was like OMG TRACEY, calmmmm downnnnnn. She reminded me again, that I had been through the worst years of my life, I was strong enough to make a change, and now battling the demon head on, I can do this, I will do this, I have to do this. Be fearless. We worked through the best case scenario and the worst case scenario so I can mentally prepare myself. What I came to be really worried about was the best case scenario and here is why. Best case, my teeth may have some kinks to work out but all in all, they were fine and I will be right back up to speed with visiting every 6 months. What sounds so bad about that? Well, that my mind would think that by throwing up for years and years and not giving my body the nutrients it needed, I could get away with it all. It was a sense of my eating disorder kind of winning in this game. I could potentially continue leaning on my bad habits because even after 10 or so years, my teeth didn't rot away. I tell ya, the way I think...nothing EVER can be good. My E.D will always manipulate a good situation and make it a bad one or always question why something good is happening. That could never be reality. So, best case, that was probably stronger than worst case in how to prepare for the results as crazy as it sounds.

Welcome..

The morning came of my appointment and ya'll, I can't even begin to tell you how nervous I was. How was I going to say what I have been through, opening up to strangers of my deepest secret and deepest avoidance. Will they judge me? Will they turn me away? Will they be grossed out? Will I be too intimated and just walk out? Well, I walked in and the first thing I saw was this two story, blue slide like you would go down at the playground. I've seen it on Instagram and people videoing themselves going down it but there it was, in real life, and somehow that made me more nervous because I knew I was there. I continued up the stairs and made my way to the office door. I took a deep breath and in I walked where I was greeted my two pretty ladies that I could totally see me being friends with and they quickly asked they could help me. They were super friendly and gave me a few forms to fill out while I was waiting. As I walked over to the couch, I started to notice the office and how it was something out of a magazine. The design was so chic, clean, modern, and frankly, just badass. I was a little shaky at first while filling out the forms because I felt like I was in a whole different world much less a dentist office. My only memories of the dentist office was with my mom having to hold my hand and go with me back to the room while they were cleaning my teeth in a well, not so cool looking office.

I stopped at the part of the form that I was dreading, "when was your last dentist visit?" Dear God. Here we go. Do I lie? Do I take a few years off and say ohhh been just about 3 or 4? Do I tell the truth? Omg, they're going to ask why it has been so long, how am I going to say this, I can't do this, anxiety, happening, now. I sat and stared at the blank for a solid 30 seconds to a minute, trying to talk myself down and remember why I am here. Then, my hand wrote the year 2005. That was when my last appointment was. A wave of shame, embarrassment, anxiety, nerves, butterflies, all hit me at once and I handed in my paperwork. Alright, NOW there's no turning back. The assistant called me back and it was time. I couldn't even begin to tell you what that walk was like because I really can't remember. So many emotions and thoughts were racing in to my mind at that moment that I really couldn't believe I was actually there. I walked by the work stations, saw the dentist's office, noticing every nook and cranny, anything to take my mind off of what was about to happen. Again, it was like walking through the future. Everything was crisp, white, clean, yet had a certain swag to it that I can't explain. When I got to my station, the only thing I noticed was this gigantic flat screen TV that was right in front of the dentist chair where I will be sitting and it was on Sportscenter. WHAT! Is this a dream?!? I get my own TV while my teeth are getting...well...whatever they will be getting. So, before I get more in to that, let me back up a few minutes. We get to the station, I sit in the chair, and then...the brief conversation happens of what brings me in, etc. The dental assistant had something so calming about her, like I could talk to her about anything. So far, this appointment had been NOTHING like I expected. It wasn't a war zone that I was putting myself through, it was truly a place where people care about you and are simply doing their job. She pointed out that it had been quite awhile since my last dentist appointment....the hot flashes start, my heart was racing, this was the moment of life or death. Ha, okay, not that dramatic but you get the picture. I swallowed my pride and just started talking truthfully like I do in this blog. Nothing is going to change if I keep lying to myself and others. I said, well, I have been battling an eating disorder for quite some time, bulimia was my primary coping mechanism, at its worst, 10x a day, I've been avoiding the dentist because I am so scared of what he may find, I've been 2 years out of treatment and this is just the next thing I want to check off my list. The end. Omg am I still alive? The next thing she said was probably the best thing I could have heard, no judgement was made, no look of WTF on her face, it was simply a "well, I'm really glad you're here," with a soft smile. It was almost like all my fears went away in knowing not only did I feel so comfortable in that setting, but that I had just realized I picked the best office to go to for my current situation. And it only got better...

LD t-shirts! Fresh tah death.

After she went and discussed our conversation with the dentist, that is when I was looking around, watching the tube that I wish I could've stolen, and just took a deep breath and said to myself, wow, wow wow wow. Again, just complete shock that I was actually sitting in a dentist chair and just got the worst part out of the way in opening up to a complete stranger...well, then I quickly remembered, oh wait, I still haven't seen the dentist. *slaps forehead* A few minutes went by, I was sitting there tapping my foot to some Drake playing in the background, and in he comes, Dr. Adrian Lineberger (permission to use his name). Here he is, young, cool looking guy, local branded tshirt, his white jacket, sick Nike's on, and a presence that was one you just gravitate towards. He looked at me and smiled, and heard again, he was really glad I was there, and just went right in to what he is going to do that day and not make it awkward or a point to make me bring up my story again, which was awesome. Nice and gentle is how I would describe him in that moment. The chair starts to tilt back, and away we go. There I was, sitting in the chair, dentist working on my teeth, and all I had were memories flash through my head like a slideshow of the past 10 or so years, the good, bad, and ugly. The nights I wanted to just disappear, the days I didn't want to live, the happy times of playing basketball, the okay days of just living, the days I couldn't stop crying, days I couldn't look in the mirror, days I was too dizzy to walk, but also days where I thought I could totally do this..I mean they were all over the place. Next thing I knew, he was done, and I was ready to hear the news of how awful my teeth were and how much work will have to be done. I took a deep breath and the next few sentences were something I wasn't prepared to hear.

"They're not nearly as bad as you're probably thinking, they could have been a lot worse, totally treatable, etc..." something along those lines as I blacked out for a few seconds with the news I couldn't believe. WHAT?! No root canals, no removing all my teeth (dramatic I know), no completely ruined teeth? How is this possible? As I said earlier, if my mind hears something good, I automatically try to turn it into something bad because I still have a hard time accepting "good" in to my life. Sometimes I still feel unworthy of greatness, unworthy of good things happening to me, undeserving of love and compassion, just worthy of shame and guilt. It's still there, it will never fully go away, I just have to keep it controlled. Of course, my mind directly went to the talk my therapist and I had about the eating disorder maybe feeling back in control since nothing terribleeeee was wrong. I "got away with it," and yes, I did struggle with that for a few days and unfortunately had a few minor setbacks but with a little more time talking it out and talking with my family, they were able to help me to see the GOOD that came out of this situation and nothing should take that away from you. Hell, it is still something I find myself questioning months after the process but I try to focus on how bad I want this life I am chasing, breaking the glass ceiling I have been trapped in. Sorry, lost track again. So the dentist and I talked about the treatment plan I will be needing (sorry keeping my results private) and after a few appointments, I will be as good as new and will see him in 6 months. WOW. After all of this fear and anxiety and guilt and embarrassment and lying, I did it. I faced all of those disgusting thoughts and did it. Now, I'm sure if I did receive the worst case scenario results I would be in a totally different position and maybe even back to completely relying on my ED to get me through it, but, I'M NOT. Can I tell ya'll just how good it feels that I did this?! It is so hard for me to give myself a compliment but I displayed courage that I didn't think I had and now I am sitting here, with all my appointments DONE, and won't see Dr. Lineberger until December. I'm not saying the treatment process was all sunshine and rainbows, they were a bitch BUT again, I cannot say enough good things about Dr. Lineberger, his staff, and the way he made me feel after each appointment I came in for. I was not embarrassed to come back because he helped take that fear out of my mind that everything was going to be okay. I knew I was in good hands and in the right hands for that particular time in my life. And how crazy does it sound that I was actually kind of excited when I got to go back to that badass office and listen to some Biggie Smalls "Juicy" while a drill was in my mouth?!?

So, I know not all situations will work out how mine did. Many situations I have gone through haven't worked out in my favor. I would still be sitting here knowing I wasn't being 100% truthful to myself, my family, my doctors, my friends in trying to live for me, Tracey, and live FREE of my illness. Hopefully this post encourages some of you to take that leap of faith or take that risk you are doubting yourself about. It took me 10 years to take this one and I pray for each of you, you don't wait as long as I did and let it control and eat you up every day. Think about how much time you could fill with different thoughts and feelings once you get that one thing done. Think about what if you just jumped anyway. What...if... One of my favorite and most blunt quotes that says it all, "Replace every 'what if' with why the fuck not." There's always that. So for now, today, tomorrow, next week, I can smile a little bigger and a little bit more confidently in more ways than one. Thanks for listening and reading this pretty cool experience I recently was able to live out. As Dr. Lineberger's saying goes, #smilesovereverything.

Keep Flossing, Keep Pounding.

TLC, out.