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| Stole this from a friend (thanks, Lauren) but I LOVE IT!!! |
For those who are not familiar with what #keeppounding means, it is the tag line that has grown into its own brand for the CAROLINA PANTHERS who are now Super Bowl 50 bound!! There has never been a better time to live in Charlotte and to be a born and raised Carolina girl. Through the hype of it all, the more and more I kept hearing and seeing #keeppounding, the more I related it to what I am going through at this point in time. Keep. Pounding. Now, I am no NFL football player nor have any desire to know what it feels like to get speared on the field, but to know what those guys go through day in and day out during practice, a game, workouts, and to continue to get back up, to keep fighting through blood, sweat, and tears, shows tremendous strength unlike no other and tremendous heart, determination, and dedication to keep their eyes on the ultimate goal of bringing home the National Championship. Now what does all of that mean to me? How am I comparing that to being in recovery from an eating disorder and to any one who is choosing recovery over the darkness they refuse to live in again? Well, welcome to this post.
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| Me and some girlfriends at the Panther Pride Pep Rally to send off our Panthers to SB50! |
A friend said it pretty bluntly yet pretty accurately the other day when I was talking to her about my "in the moment" thoughts on food on how I think I am the exception, not the rule to everything known to man about feeding the body. I am the only person walking this earth that everything I put in to my mouth turns to fat. It doesn't go to organs, it doesn't help feed my brain, food just automatically forms to fat and then my body stores it wherever it pleases. Call me crazy or call me maybe, but it's something that my little demon friend still likes to creep up and tell me time and time again. These thoughts are VERY present today because I recently got pretty sick, and by pretty sick, I mean landed me in the hospital over night and hooked up to an IV. I am not going to go in to personal details but I got very sick two weeks ago due to stomach issues and the IV was the only thing my body would accept. So what does my E.D side of brain tell me during this time? "Yay, you'll probably lose weight now, you won't have to eat anything, maybe even lie and say you still can't keep anything down, your stomach will be flat, maybe this was supposed to happen because you're supposed to lose weight and you kept feeding your body and you were getting fat." I know we can all joke and say "just one stomach flu away from my goal weight" but my mind takes that pretty literally and will do anything in its power to make it reality. Getting a true illness while in recovery from an eating disorder is such a slippery slope and in treatment we even talked about a Meal Plan B for when you cannot follow your original meal plan. Your eating disorder can come to life and feed off whatever illness you are dealing with and try to WIN over your mind again because it knows you are trying to tuck it away for good. When I was finally able to go home I still only felt comfortable eating pretzels, crackers, jello, ginger ale, water, just anything BLAND. I honestly was just scared to try anything of substance because I did not want anything to upset my stomach again and have to go through the awful, awful, AWFUL pain (rightfully so). What else was my mind thinking of? Well, since I had been an absolutely potato the last 3 days, I wanted to work out. I had been laying still for 3 days, barely able to get up and walk, and the moment I had enough energy to walk around I only wanted to walk around for a purpose which meant, to work out and build up a sweat. If I could sweat, maybe that would make me feel even better because I would sweat out the toxins, all the bad stuff. Need I remind you I had not had a full meal in three days and the only thing that was in my body was liquids. Yea, Trace, realllll smart. Go workout and your face will meet the floor real quick. I was so nervous to get in the shower because I didn't want to face my naked body after not working out, I was nervous to put on different clothes now that I was home because I was scared they would fit differently, they would be tighter than before, I was scared to go out in public thinking everyone would tell a difference in my appearance after days of not moving and not working out. Yes, this is what my mind tells me. All because I was sick, my body would change for the worse after just a few days. Crazy. But, I had to keep pounding.
I had been communicating with my dietitian all while I was in the hospital and recovering at home. I was sending her what I was "eating" and drinking and what I could maybe slowly work in to gain more energy. She was very supportive and I have to tell this story for some comic relief, if you want to call it. The night I got admitted to the hospital I had emailed my therapist and dietitian I had been getting sick for the past 14 hours, not able to keep anything down. Not even thinking of purging was my main source of my eating disorder, I simultaneously received emails back saying "CAN YOU PLEASE CLARIFY, "THROWING UP"!!!???!?" Meaning, their initial reaction was I was making myself sick over and over again and it landed me in the hospital. Okay, maybe "comic relief" wasn't the appropriate words to use but I chuckled as I replied, "no, no, no, no, not what you're thinking. I am literally getting sick due to something I either caught or ate. Guess I should have clarified that at the start." Luckily, this all happened at a time when I was meeting with my dietitian the Monday after the past week of being sick. I faced putting on clothes after being home from the hospital, scared to death they would be tighter than before but...could it be, that they fit EXACTLY the same?! How dare that happen. How dare my body not actually gain any weight after not being mobile for more than one day in a row. If anything, they were a TAD loser just from not being able to eat a lot. I went in with the mentality I was going to tell my dietitian that getting sick at this particular time in my recovery was a double edged sword. For one, my mind was saying "see Tracey, your body doesn't change just after a few days of not working out, your clothes fit the exact same, YOU WILL LIVE." Which was a huge relief to just reiterate to my eating disorder that I do not have to sweat my ass off every single day at the gym to get the body I have always wanted. Okay, good, we're getting somewhere. But what may you ask was on the other end of that sword? Well, yea my clothes still fit the same and I wasn't working out but I also wasn't eating. So talking to myself, I thought okay, my body stays the same if I don't work out and if I don't eat, so what will happen if I don't work out AND eat?! Instead of a huge slap to the face, my dietitian looked at me and agreed that everything I had told her makes total sense. Of course your mind would go there. Of course your eating disorder will try and justify everything that has to deal with food and exercise and why you can't have both to get to X body. However, we had to go back to me thinking I was the exception to all scientific rules when it came to food and digestion. She continues to help me tremendously in to noticing my body as a BODY with organs, blood systems, bones, fat, skin, a brain and that they all need to be nourished to work, to keep pounding, to keep fighting, to keep me healthy and functioning to live another day. My body isn't just a trashcan that stores everything as fat before anything else.
As I replay all of the scenarios my E.D. part of my brain was feeding me throughout the past few weeks, I automatically thought of two situations that if I had not and DO NOT continue to nourish and feed my body the proper nutrients it needs to function, these amazing experiences would have never happened or never will happen again in the future. For instance, I had the absolute honor to be asked by my hometown high school's girl's basketball coach to come practice with the team and share my story with them afterwards. I literally felt like it was Christmas Eve night trying to get to bed the night before I was venturing home for this because I was so unbelievably excited to not only practice and talk to my former high school team but to step foot in that gym where so many nostalgic memories lie and some of my happiest times that I will ever have in life. The smell that is so captivating you can almost remember exactly what class you were walking to you when you last had that scent under your nose. I walked in with automatic chills up and down my spine and I had never felt more at home than that very moment. I got to scrimmage with these girls who could potentially grow in to doctors, teachers, CEO's, nurses but careers didn't matter at that point, what college they were going to didn't, or who they were even playing the next day. I got to live in that very present moment with them as we ran up and down the court, cheeks turning pink, dripping sweat, sliding our feet in a defensive position, all while cracking a smile because life was good.
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| East Rowan High School - Girl's Basketball Team <3 |
After we scrimmaged, we sat in the locker room where -ish got real and started to explain exactly why I was there and what I was going to be talking about. All they knew was a former player was coming to practice with them and then talk afterwards. No subject matter was mentioned. As I slowly got out the reason, all was uphill from there. I must admit I was way more nervous to speak infront of them than my other talks with UNCC Women's athletic teams because this was home for me. This was MY high school, my memories, my former team. I could tell some were a little taken back that I had told them I was now in recovery from an 8 year eating disorder and how I managed to keep it a secret throughout my basketball career but I also felt comfort in their body gestures, their eye contact, the look of curiosity yet sadness of what I put myself through. As I got more comfortable, I suddenly became very UNcomfortable with side thoughts my eating disorder was feeding me in silence. I was still in a sweaty tank top from practice with my arms exposed. I have always been so self conscious about my arms thinking they are took big, not tone enough, not athletic enough, not skinny enough, so I try to hide them as much as I can. Well, if I had the chance, I probably would have put on my jacket but that was me, living in the moment, not caring what I looked like because my words were bigger than my appearance in what I was trying to get across to these girls. But, I still kept hearing, "They're staring at your arms right, they're too fat, cover them up, you don't look like an athlete, you don't look like anything, you look like a wannabe." However, I kept pounding and pounding and pounding through those thoughts to finally making them silent and continued to be the authentic Tracey while telling my story to this inspiring team. This incredible experience would not have happened if I didn't take care of myself and my body. I have to keep telling myself in order to get where I want to go, I have to treat my body like a machine and to know without food, it won't work.
The second event that recently occurred was another speaking engagement at UNCC and this time with the Women's Volleyball Team. This came the Monday after being sick, what I discussed at the beginning of this post. I must admit, my mindset going in to this was all over the place. When I would try to stay focused on the task at hand, all I could think about was what I would physically look to these girls when I walked into the room. I hadn't worked out in about 4 days now and automatically told myself I had gained 10 pounds over night so let me be sure to wear a baggy shirt but still look presentable. My eating disorder was creeping up and telling my mind nothing but negative self talk in my appearance that my mind could barely prepare for my talk that was about to happen. Then something happened, as soon as my therapist introduced me and it was my time to shine, every negative self judgement went away and folks, I probably had one of the best talks to date. I was more authentic in this talk than I ever had been. I even mentioned to them that in that very present moment I was implementing these stories in their heads that they were looking at me in disgust. That they were thinking I was too fat to be a former collegiate athlete, that I had "let myself go", that I just don't look good enough, and it was real. It was just something about that talk that I had a really, really good feeling about. I even said something I surprised my own damn self with, something along the lines of, "Strong isn't about a bicep curl or a chest press. Strong is about accepting and respecting yourself and living a life dedicated to that. Strong isn't about tricep definition, it's about defining yourself in how you can live out the best YOU possible while bettering others around you." *mic drop* I just didn't think I would ever say anything like that, and much less believe it. I always thought strength came in the form of appearance and I had to LOOK strong at all times. Going back to fueling my body and my brain, I can now start to believe that strength isn't about how tone you look, but being your most authentic, real, unmasked self and being OK with it. Being strong is respecting yourself and accepting the person you are, accepting your reflection and all the flaws that come along with it. Again, if I don't take care of myself and if I don't keep pounding through recovery, none of these experiences would be possible.
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| UNCC Women's Volleyball Team - Good luck, ladies! |
So, turning an NFL team's tag line into two words that mean more than just tackling the opponent or winning the Big Game, but to life's battles that hit you harder than Luke Kuechly or Thomas Davis and how you can power through them to come out on top. Ask yourself what does #keeppounding mean to you? What can you overcome this year, tomorrow, today, the next hour to get you closer to the person you see yourself becoming in the future? So folks, keep pounding, keep fighting, keep dancing, keep laughing, keep loving, and most importantly, keep your head held high and know that you WILL come out on the other side.
we've got this,
TLC
GO PANTHERS!
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