The BORN Identity

Well HELLO!!...after a 6 month hiatus....

A dear, dear, dear friend sent this TEDx video to me this morning and thought maybe I would appreciate hearing this one. (scroll down for link to video) I have never had the patience nor attention span to sit and listen to a talk on my computer that is ha, more than 30 seconds? But, as soon as Dagney Knutson started talking about her experience of being a former Professional Athlete, I was hooked for the entire 11 minutes. How she describes her experience as an athlete and finding her identity outside of her chosen sport, I have never heard something so identical to what I have been struggling with for the past 9 years...and what I have grown to learn, much longer than that. Unfortunately, one of her coping mechanisms is one I have recently admitted to battling from, an eating disorder that took over her/my life. I am not saying I was ever on the same platform as a Professional Athlete but this mental disorder comes in all forms, shapes, and sizes and it means something different for everyone. Playing basketball throughout my entire life and lucky enough to play on the collegiate level (shout out to my GC ladies that I miss so much), that is how I identified myself for so long. I did not know who I was off the court and what self-worth and values even meant. She says it best in this talk:

"A poor performance in an athlete’s mind might mean “I’m a failure”, noticed I said “I’m a failure and not my performance was a failure.”

I work my butt off every single second of every single day to stay on an uphill battle of recovery, knowing there is no really "end" date. Do I stay 100% on my meal plan? No. Do I still have slips, reverting back to eating disorder behaviors to help cope with uncomfortable feelings? Yes. Do I still have depression, anxiety, body shame? Yes. BUT, what is good about admitting this NOW is, I have found that inner strength that I never thought I had to not let myself STAY down. I have slips, I have those days I stay in bed all day, I have those days where sweat is my only priority. Do I let them overshadow all the hard ass work I have done and continue to do in the past year? NO. Do I give up and let the relapse take over? NO. Do you just wake up one day, come out of a treatment center, take a pill and suddenly be recovered from a mental disorder? HELL NO. To say that my inner strength has indeed led me back to recovery after these times and not stay on the easy path of just giving up and going back to the comfort of ED is something I NEVER, EVER, EVER thought was possible. I am learning that there IS grey in a black and white world. My brain was wired to think otherwise. Every second that I stay in recovery, I know I am one second closer in to trusting, knowing, understanding, and loving my identity as Tracey, off the court and outside of being an athlete.

"I find it more important to work for significance, not just top performance."

*copy and past link*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VU73KOoO5h0

Contrary to the message above....Hot damn I miss basketball!!!

Positive vibes,

TLC

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

Before I begin, I want to take a few moments to recognize the start of National Eating Disorder Awareness week.  For those struggling and thinking rock bottom is the only place you can be, please listen.  You are not alone.  You are never alone in this process.  Everyone who struggles with this awful disorder only believes this horrific "life" is only happening to them.  Well, it's not.  It took getting help for me to realize there is more to me than this mental disorder.  When I look in the mirror, there is more to me than my body.  I am a person with feelings, thoughts, and emotions that I was tired of trying to avoid or numb out.  I was tired of living in shame and in a mask of someone I only wanted to be in the public eye.  I was tired of living a lie and thinking the eating disorder was the only thing I had to turn to to feel somewhat worthy as a person.  It sucks to live in that dark place.  I never thought the sun would shine again, that is, until I got help.  Reaching out for help was always a fear of mine as I thought it showed weakness, it showed failure.  I was scared to show vulnerability because it would show my imperfections.  I have now learned the strongest thing I have ever done was ask for help and actually received it when it came my way.  I entered a treatment center last May and owe my life to it.  Am I recovered? No.  Do I never have bad days?  Hell no.  Do I love the person I am?  I am getting there, I just respect Tracey more now.  So if you think you are the only case walking this Earth that cannot be helped, please tell that THOUGHT inside of you to shut.up.  Recovery is possible for EVERYONE, just believe in it and trust the process.  It takes time.  Life is too beautiful to live in a dark world.

Please take a few moments to take the free screening if you are in need of help. <3
Trust and Believe.

The good can be bad, and the bad can be good.  The ugly can be good and the good can be ugly.  Follow me?  What I have realized throughout this process is that good isn't always necessarily good.  Good in my eyes is scary, it is uncomfortable, it is the unknown, it is "getting better".  Good is a feeling that I have been longing for and when it comes, I don't really know what to do with it or even how to act.  I don't know how to sit with good feelings and knowing it is OKAY to feel good and to show it.  Does feeling good mean I am recovered?  Does feeling good just mask the bad and ugly thoughts that are deep down?  Does feeling good mean I am not taking recovery seriously?

Why must I go through all of these questions just help justify why I feel "good" or "content" at times.  My mind feels like it should always be going in to battle mode of fighting off the bad but what happens in those moments of the day where good does happen?  My mind is so use to finding the bad and ugly to feed off of that it doesn't know what to do when those thoughts are not there so it just creates anxiety.  So, since I am still uncomfortable with the feeling of comfortable, relaxed, in a good place, it has unfortunately led to a slip last week in to eating disorder behaviors.  I wanted to numb it out and not feel like everything is okay in that moment.  WHY?  Why must I numb out the good that comes along in recovery?  Why can't I just appreciate progress and not question it.  Why does every feeling, good, bad, and ugly, have to come with a snowball effect and always ending with a negative thought.  I am not saying I always reject good feelings but on some days where things are going really well in life, I need to learn to see them for what they are and give myself some slack in to thinking "you know what?  I DESERVE this."

Final allowing myself to have a somewhat relaxed weekend by trying not to think about work, working out (which I still did buuuut did take Sunday off) and to just try and live in the present moment, I noticed a lot of things, good, bad, and ugly.  I will start with the bad and ugly so I can end on a positive note. :)  I would say what I considered to be not so relaxing or uncomfortable or I guess "bad" would be the fact that I couldn't completely relax.  Saturday afternoon after a brutal workout that morning, I told myself I will not do anything for the afternoon.  I will lay on the couch, watch the UNC game (Go Heels!), try not to think about what else I "should or could" be doing with my time.  Just have some Tracey time.  Well, it was harder than I thought.  I felt like since I was not in motion I wasn't burning any calories, even though I probably burned a LOT that morning.  I felt pounds packing on by the hour when I wasn't doing anything.  What?  Now I know that is humanly impossible to do but again, just trying to train my mind to believe it.  I was scared to eat anything all day because I knew I wasn't going to be doing a lot of movement.  Unfortunately, I didn't.  I felt myself getting bloated over the stress and anxiety and thoughts I was putting on myself.  I felt like I had to go workout again to just put on regular clothes to be seen in public.  I felt...fat.  I ate after I worked out but that was kind of it.  I grazed here and there but did not have a full meal because my mind wouldn't "allow" me to eat thinking it would go straight to fat since I was being lazy.  Which brings me to more of the bad and ugly, lazy.  Why do I associate that word with everything negative?  Lazy.  Lazy is a word that I have been so scared of.  Lazy is a word that I never want to be defined as nor thought of in that content what so ever.  Lazy to me = nonproductive, unmotivated, fat, couch potato, worthless, failing, hopeless, ugly, anxious, very uncomfortable.  I mean geez, Tracey, tell us how you really feel.  That is why I feel like I have to constantly stay busy so I will never be in the same paragraph nor thought of the word lazy.  Why?  Why is being lazy the worst thing you could possibly do on an afternoon?  Well, I just don't know.  All the negative self talk is at its loudest and I am scared of it.  I am scared those thoughts will lead to behaviors.  So am I back to avoiding the person I am?  Avoiding unwanted thoughts and feelings instead of dealing with them at that moment?  Was treatment all for nothing now after learning so many coping mechanisms?  I've been down this road waaaay too many times throughout my life and that is the last place I want to ever go again.  Well, it did leave me barely eating BUT I ended up still sitting my ass down on the couch, watching TV AND even ending up going out with some friends that night which I have not done in a whileeeee.  Although, I was scared to death in trying to find something to wear and ended up changing literally about 10 times, but I still made it out.  Yes, I wore a VERY flowy, ponchoy dress and a jacket to not draw attention to my body that hasn't done ANYTHING all day but, it's a work in progress.  I finally kind of just let me hair down and told myself that it is okay to go out and socialize  and for people to see it.  And you know what?  I had a damn good time.

Howwww creepy weird I saw this on Instagram yesterday
in lieu of what I am discussing?! 

Want to get in to some of the good?  I even went "out" yesterday afternoon since it was somewhat decent outside and hung out with friends at a local bar's patio...annnnd I didn't allow myself to work out!! Whoaaaa Trace, let's just calm down now you little party animal.  Sad thing is why do I have to "allow myself not to work out."  It's like I have to give myself permission to do anything.  Okay, okay, let's just keep focusing on the good.  So yes, went out with some friends, enjoyed some mimosas, and each other's company.  Sure after each mimosa I was trying to calculate the number of calories, grams of sugar, I probably just consumed but I tried my hardest to tell that inside calculator to shut uppppp and let me enjoy this time!  We ended up ordering some french fries which were O.M.G so good, wait did I just say that?  Annnnd later on in the evening I ordered some veggies and hummus to satisfy a little hunger strike.  Again, did I get in 3 solid meals yesterday?  No.  Which I am still pissed at myself today for not doing BUT, looking back on the weekend and the FUN I allowed myself to have is progress in itself.  I know my team of doctors aren't going to be too happy by reading this but, today I am recognizing the mistakes for what they are and getting back on track today.  The last sign of "good" I will leave you with over the weekend was people acknowledging a change in my mood/behavior/presence.  As mentioned in previous posts and again later in this one, it has been very triggering to hear of progress, getting better, looking better from outsiders.  Good means I am doing something right when sometimes, I want to go back to what is comfortable in the bad and ugly.  Good as lead to binging and purging, restricting, working out a lot, feeling fat BUT I changed my mindset and accepted the compliments with grace.   I had three friends yesterday and this morning tell me how happy I looked.  They told me they saw a difference that they haven't seen in forever.  I looked more at ease, more at peace, more cool, calm, and collected with myself.  Folks, not one ounce of me wanted to run and hide.  Today is the first time I embraced being told how much fun it looked like I was having and how happy I looked while doing so.  Will I feel the same way as the next person to tell me I look happy?  I don't know.  What I do know is, the feeling I got when I WAS told I looked happy, was a feeling I liked, for once in my life, and didn't try to avoid it.  Thank you to them.  You helped me to get where I am today.

Now, moving on to more past experiences and more insight on the good, bad, and ugly, I have had to make a lot of decisions regarding work/life/recovery and how I am prioritizing my time in the past few weeks.  I actually JUST added in the last few paragraphs of my weekend just now so bare with me if some of this sounds like I am repeating myself as I didn't want to change a lot that I had already wrote late last week because that is what I was feeling in THAT moment.  Again, I am trying to stay authentic and why change something that I did feel at that time when I was writing to maybe a different mindset than I am in now.  All about balance.  SOOOOOO, as I just mentioned about trying to "be lazy", I like to stay busy but at the same time, I want to to be staying busy for the right reasons.  Some days when I am done with my "to do" list, I find the most pointless stuff to keep me from taking a seat and relaxing.  I am nervous to relax because my mind still thinks I SHOULD be doing something.  I am nervous because of the negative self talk that could creep up and try and take over the "relaxing".  In the past, it has said things such as "why are you taking a break, you don't deserve a break, you could be doing so much more with your life right now but you are being lazy.  What are you even doing with your life?  GET UP.  Do you burn calories by sitting down? *as I would run my hand down my stomach to see if it has got bigger since a few hours before*  It is a vicious cycle that I am scared would come back if I were to just, SIT.  Hints, why this post has took me forever to finally finish.  I have kept myself going and going and going and never took the time to actually sit back and ask myself, "Tracey, how are you doing, girl?  Everything okay?  You're doing awesome.  Stay strong.  You got this."  I am nervous the good that comes from taking a break and disconnecting will trigger a binge and purge or a day without eating or going to another workout when I feel I have come so far.  As I said earlier, the good unfortunately DID win and I slipped.  I don't want that to happen again so why let it?  I will just keep going and going and going.  The "bad" that comes from always on-the-go is what is comfortable.  It is what I have done for years and years and years to hide what I don't want to show.  I didn't want to show my vulnerable side, my "weak" side, my I need help side.  I wanted to show that I was strong, always staying busy, good at what I do, always in a good mood, being "perfect", having confidence no matter what my body looked like.  The suffering in silence was bad...but it was also good.  I had CONTROL over it and that made me feel good.  I had control over an ugly creature living inside of me and determined when it would come and go.  I felt out of control with my life, my weight, my relationships and to have just ONE thing that I could control felt powerful.  There was an easy solution of how to get rid of the little devil but numbing out the negative thoughts by acting on behaviors.  I did/don't know how to easily get ready of what seems to be more of an angel wanting to spread its wings inside me and show my self-worth and that I am strong enough to handle all the good that comes my way.

One recent occurrence where the battle of good vs evil was LOUD in my head was when I stepped up to the plate and ran my first 5K while in recovery.  Did I HAVE to do this? No.  I wanted to do this.  I wanted to do this for myself.  I wanted to prove to myself that I am stronger now than I was then.  That I am not at war with myself when it comes to sizing up the competition and judging every inch of my body in a negative light.  I was ready.  I am not going to lie that everything went A-OK, juuuuust how I wanted.  It was HELL at first until something pretty crazy/magical/weird/good happened.  Things leading up to the actual word "GO" for the race was going fine!  I helped set up our promo table at the race for work with great company beside me and just felt pretty content at that moment.  It was time to head up to the start line and that is when the competitive nature came out that I knew ohhhhh so well.  I have avoided any situations where I would be competing too much with myself and others whether it be through fitness, work, random life activities, thinking I HAD to do it the best, it HAD to be done perfectly, I HAD to win at everything or I am a failure, ever since leaving for treatment last May.  So this was a huge test, running a 5k with a couple other runners.  I am human, so of course I was sizing up everyone, yes I admit I was judging what people looked like based on their body, exactly how I FEAR people doing to me, and tried to just focus on running.  JUST running and having a good time being outside, in nature which I value, all for a good cause, and for a group of co-workers I love.  From those who read my "snowball effect" post, you guessed it, it didn't just stop with sizing people up.  As I was jumping around trying to stay warm, I started to zone out into the little devil mind and what he was trying to tell me.  It is almost like I warped into a different mind as I lost the battle to my ED in that moment.  All of a sudden I looked down at my body and saw fat.  I looked at my legs so embarrassed by what they looked like in tight leggings, I was body checking all around my waist, feeling my love handles thinking WHYYYYY do I have these???, I was feeling my arms and just thinking how fat they were, when I was jumping up and down all I could feel were my cheeks exposed like a blow fish.  I mean, I was judging every.little.thing. on my body and saw nothing that I could appreciate.  I looked at women who were near me as if they were God's gift to Earth.  THEY had the "perfect" body, they have a thigh gap, that have tone arms enough to see definition through their tight long sleeve shirts, they "look" in shape, I bet she is a fast runner, I bet she loves her body, why can't I look like her and her and her.

By this time, my music was as loud as it would go, I kept going on and on and had completely blacked out for a few minutes.  When I came back to reality, I honestly forgot where I was for a split second because that is how far away from the present moment this mental disorder can take you.  That is why it is hard for me to even remember times at previous jobs, previous trips, vacations, moments because for 8 solid years, I was living in a film covered reality of not seeing a clear present moment.  When I snapped out of it, it was almost like my GOOD part of mind knocked the shit out of the devilish side and screamed WAKE UP!!!  I was going back to bad habits that I knew for so long and I was about to run 3.2 miles of pain wishing I was something I am not, wishing I looked like something that I am not.  I finally realized what I was doing and the awful time I would have if I ran with nothing but shame and disgust screaming in my head if I didn't win the race.  All of the "I HAD TO WIN, what if I don't run fast enough, what if I look like I don't belong at a 5k, what if I look like I should be a good runner and then have everyone pass me, what if I stop running because I am out of breath, what if...I CAN'T?" were taking over a great morning of positive vibes from everyone and being active at the same time.  I remember taking a huge, deep breath and talking myself off the ledge of "it is okay, Tracey.  Run for you.  Run to prove to your eating disorder, your mental disorder that you are done living a life through their eyes.  Run to win over those good emotions that you deserve to feel, and damnit, just run because you CAN.  As I ran those positive affirmations through my head, my phone suddenly died.  Now this is the weird thing that happened.  My phone was at 50% when it suddenly died and that is when the man yelled GO!  I was suddenly faced with the road in front of me and living in silence in the present moment.  Now, you can believe in whatever you believe in, no judgment here, but I thought to myself that it was God's way of telling me, I will be okay.  I need to learn to live in the present moment and not have any distractions around me, including music.  I need to take time for myself and just breath in the fresh air and run at my own pace, no one else is watching.  Of course at first I was cussing every name in the book thinking did that REALLY just f'n happen, but by the first mile, it was actually kind of nice to just be jogging through a neighborhood, no music, no distractions, and enjoying Tracey being with Tracey for once.  Although I didn't come in first, I feel like I won that race.  I won that race for the RIGHT reasons.

This was probably the moment I couldn't feel my face, or hands, or feet, or...my entire body!!
The South doesn't prepare you for these cold mornings!

Ever since that happened, I have been kind of weirded out by the whole thing as to why did my phone reallyyyy die, but I just keep telling myself that maybe it is just time for me to stop and smell the roses every once in a while.  I need to disconnect to reconnect.  By always keeping busy, staying distracted, avoiding mirrors, I am avoiding life that is right in front of me that's a pretty good one.  I keep tip toeing around the good, the bad, the ugly because I don't know which one is going to show it's face at any given moment and feel like I always need to be prepared.  Tracey, just LIVE.  Take each moment for what it is worth and not let each second pass by fearful of maybe not being strong enough to handle it.  I am still living for the days where I don't have to lift up my shirt every morning to see if I magically gained a 6 pack over night or at least feel "skinnier".  I live for the days where that first glance of my body in the mirror doesn't dictate how my mood will be for the day.  I wish I could pick out anything to wear from my closet instead of always going through in my mind what body part will show most in that, will I be triggered if I FEEL like I gained weight since last time I wore it, and will my body be hidden just enough for me to feel comfortable.  While all of these are still struggles, how I have chosen to react to them is what is different.  I have a clearer mindset to realize that most of these thoughts are just thoughts and not facts.  That if I don't like my stomach in the mirror, I don't turn to purging or not eating for the day or sweating my butt off at the gym.  To try my hardest to choose the higher route that I am MORE than this and that I have values to live for today.  Have the confidence I know that is there deep down inside and don't be afraid to show it.  Just because you show it, doesn't mean you will never struggle again.  It just means you are more than your mental disorder, you are more than your thoughts and feelings, you are more than what food is in your body, and you are more than that reflection you THINK you see in the mirror.  You are more than a size, a number on the scale, an exception to the rule that all of this shit only happens to YOU.  You are a person who has highs and lows, ups and downs, smiles and tears, and that is okay.  Be thankful for who you are and show it some gratitude every once in awhile.  Every time you workout don't think you have to be training for a race, the perfect body, that extra 5 lbs to fit into a certain.  Every day we are all training for the toughest race on Earth in our own little way.  It doesn't come in the form of crawling in mud, jumping over hurdles, bench pressing 500lbs, how many times you go to the gym, or sweating your ass off.  This race is called LIFE and YOU get to choose who wins.  As they say, "my worst days in recovery are better than my best days in relapse."

LOVE THIS.

BOOM.

Sending mad love,

TLC

#KeepPounding

It's funny, well let me refrain that, it's kinda CREEPY, that this morning (Sunday) when I had planned to start my next post, last night I had a dream that I had to go back to treatment and I woke up thinking it was reality.  I still have that weird, icky feeling of what just happened and I am not sure how to dissect the dream or what it could represent but, maybe it just means I am supposed to write today and reiterate to myself that I am staying strong and choosing to stay in recovery TODAY.  I am choosing to #keeppounding through this journey and not take this second chance for granite at what I am set on this Earth to do.

Stole this from a friend (thanks, Lauren) but I LOVE IT!!!

For those who are not familiar with what #keeppounding means, it is the tag line that has grown into its own brand for the CAROLINA PANTHERS who are now Super Bowl 50 bound!!  There has never been a better time to live in Charlotte and to be a born and raised Carolina girl.  Through the hype of it all, the more and more I kept hearing and seeing #keeppounding, the more I related it to what I am going through at this point in time.  Keep.  Pounding.  Now, I am no NFL football player nor have any desire to know what it feels like to get speared on the field, but to know what those guys go through day in and day out during practice, a game, workouts, and to continue to get back up, to keep fighting through blood, sweat, and tears, shows tremendous strength unlike no other and tremendous heart, determination, and dedication to keep their eyes on the ultimate goal of bringing home the National Championship.  Now what does all of that mean to me?  How am I comparing that to being in recovery from an eating disorder and to any one who is choosing recovery over the darkness they refuse to live in again?  Well, welcome to this post.

Me and some girlfriends at the Panther Pride Pep Rally to send off our Panthers to SB50!

A friend said it pretty bluntly yet pretty accurately the other day when I was talking to her about my "in the moment" thoughts on food on how I think I am the exception, not the rule to everything known to man about feeding the body.  I am the only person walking this earth that everything I put in to my mouth turns to fat.  It doesn't go to organs, it doesn't help feed my brain, food just automatically forms to fat and then my body stores it wherever it pleases.  Call me crazy or call me maybe, but it's something that my little demon friend still likes to creep up and tell me time and time again.  These thoughts are VERY present today because I recently got pretty sick, and by pretty sick, I mean landed me in the hospital over night and hooked up to an IV.  I am not going to go in to personal details but I got very sick two weeks ago due to stomach issues and the IV was the only thing my body would accept.  So what does my E.D side of brain tell me during this time? "Yay, you'll probably lose weight now, you won't have to eat anything, maybe even lie and say you still can't keep anything down, your stomach will be flat, maybe this was supposed to happen because you're supposed to lose weight and you kept feeding your body and you were getting fat."  I know we can all joke and say "just one stomach flu away from my goal weight" but my mind takes that pretty literally and will do anything in its power to make it reality.  Getting a true illness while in recovery from an eating disorder is such a slippery slope and in treatment we even talked about a Meal Plan B for when you cannot follow your original meal plan.  Your eating disorder can come to life and feed off whatever illness you are dealing with and try to WIN over your mind again because it knows you are trying to tuck it away for good.  When I was finally able to go home I still only felt comfortable eating pretzels, crackers, jello, ginger ale, water, just anything BLAND.  I honestly was just scared to try anything of substance because I did not want anything to upset my stomach again and have to go through the awful, awful, AWFUL pain (rightfully so).  What else was my mind thinking of?  Well, since I had been an absolutely potato the last 3 days, I wanted to work out.  I had been laying still for 3 days, barely able to get up and walk, and the moment I had enough energy to walk around I only wanted to walk around for a purpose which meant, to work out and build up a sweat.  If I could sweat, maybe that would make me feel even better because I would sweat out the toxins, all the bad stuff.  Need I remind you I had not had a full meal in three days and the only thing that was in my body was liquids.   Yea, Trace, realllll smart.  Go workout and your face will meet the floor real quick.  I was so nervous to get in the shower because I didn't want to face my naked body after not working out, I was nervous to put on different clothes now that I was home because I was scared they would fit differently, they would be tighter than before, I was scared to go out in public thinking everyone would tell a difference in my appearance after days of not moving and not working out.  Yes, this is what my mind tells me.  All because I was sick, my body would change for the worse after just a few days.  Crazy. But, I had to keep pounding.

I had been communicating with my dietitian all while I was in the hospital and recovering at home.  I was sending her what I was "eating" and drinking and what I could maybe slowly work in to gain more energy.  She was very supportive and I have to tell this story for some comic relief, if you want to call it.  The night I got admitted to the hospital I had emailed my therapist and dietitian I had been getting sick for the past 14 hours, not able to keep anything down.  Not even thinking of purging was my main source of my eating disorder, I simultaneously received emails back saying "CAN YOU PLEASE CLARIFY, "THROWING UP"!!!???!?" Meaning, their initial reaction was I was making myself sick over and over again and it landed me in the hospital.  Okay, maybe "comic relief" wasn't the appropriate words to use but I chuckled as I replied, "no, no, no, no, not what you're thinking.  I am literally getting sick due to something I either caught or ate.  Guess I should have clarified that at the start."  Luckily, this all happened at a time when I was meeting with my dietitian the Monday after the past week of being sick.  I faced putting on clothes after being home from the hospital, scared to death they would be tighter than before but...could it be, that they fit EXACTLY the same?!  How dare that happen.  How dare my body not actually gain any weight after not being mobile for more than one day in a row.  If anything, they were a TAD loser just from not being able to eat a lot.  I went in with the mentality I was going to tell my dietitian that getting sick at this particular time in my recovery was a double edged sword.  For one, my mind was saying "see Tracey, your body doesn't change just after a few days of not working out, your clothes fit the exact same, YOU WILL LIVE."  Which was a huge relief to just reiterate to my eating disorder that I do not have to sweat my ass off every single day at the gym to get the body I have always wanted.  Okay, good, we're getting somewhere.  But what may you ask was on the other end of that sword?  Well, yea my clothes still fit the same and I wasn't working out but I also wasn't eating.  So talking to myself, I thought okay, my body stays the same if I don't work out and if I don't eat, so what will happen if I don't work out AND eat?!  Instead of a huge slap to the face, my dietitian looked at me and agreed that everything I had told her makes total sense.  Of course your mind would go there.  Of course your eating disorder will try and justify everything that has to deal with food and exercise and why you can't have both to get to X body.  However, we had to go back to me thinking I was the exception to all scientific rules when it came to food and digestion.  She continues to help me tremendously in to noticing my body as a BODY with organs, blood systems, bones, fat, skin, a brain and that they all need to be nourished to work, to keep pounding, to keep fighting, to keep me healthy and functioning to live another day.  My body isn't just a trashcan that stores everything as fat before anything else.

As I replay all of the scenarios my E.D. part of my brain was feeding me throughout the past few weeks, I automatically thought of two situations that if I had not and DO NOT continue to nourish and feed my body the proper nutrients it needs to function, these amazing experiences would have never happened or never will happen again in the future.  For instance, I had the absolute honor to be asked by my hometown high school's girl's basketball coach to come practice with the team and share my story with them afterwards.  I literally felt like it was Christmas Eve night trying to get to bed the night before I was venturing home for this because I was so unbelievably excited to not only practice and talk to my former high school team but to step foot in that gym where so many nostalgic memories lie and some of my happiest times that I will ever have in life.  The smell that is so captivating you can almost remember exactly what class you were walking to you when you last had that scent under your nose.  I walked in with automatic chills up and down my spine and I had never felt more at home than that very moment.  I got to scrimmage with these girls who could potentially grow in to doctors, teachers, CEO's, nurses but careers didn't matter at that point, what college they were going to didn't, or who they were even playing the next day.  I got to live in that very present moment with them as we ran up and down the court, cheeks turning pink, dripping sweat, sliding our feet in a defensive position, all while cracking a smile because life was good.

East Rowan High School - Girl's Basketball Team <3

After we scrimmaged, we sat in the locker room where -ish got real and started to explain exactly why I was there and what I was going to be talking about.  All they knew was a former player was coming to practice with them and then talk afterwards.  No subject matter was mentioned.  As I slowly got out the reason, all was uphill from there.  I must admit I was way more nervous to speak infront of them than my other talks with UNCC Women's athletic teams because this was home for me.  This was MY high school, my memories, my former team.  I could tell some were a little taken back that I had told them I was now in recovery from an 8 year eating disorder and how I managed to keep it a secret throughout my basketball career but I also felt comfort in their body gestures, their eye contact, the look of curiosity yet sadness of what I put myself through.  As I got more comfortable, I suddenly became very UNcomfortable with side thoughts my eating disorder was feeding me in silence.  I was still in a sweaty tank top from practice with my arms exposed.  I have always been so self conscious about my arms thinking they are took big, not tone enough, not athletic enough, not skinny enough, so I try to hide them as much as I can.  Well, if I had the chance, I probably would have put on my jacket but that was me, living in the moment, not caring what I looked like because my words were bigger than my appearance in what I was trying to get across to these girls.  But, I still kept hearing, "They're staring at your arms right, they're too fat, cover them up, you don't look like an athlete, you don't look like anything, you look like a wannabe."  However, I kept pounding and pounding and pounding through those thoughts to finally making them silent and continued to be the authentic Tracey while telling my story to this inspiring team.  This incredible experience would not have happened if I didn't take care of myself and my body.  I have to keep telling myself in order to get where I want to go, I have to treat my body like a machine and to know without food, it won't work.

The second event that recently occurred was another speaking engagement at UNCC and this time with the Women's Volleyball Team.  This came the Monday after being sick, what I discussed at the beginning of this post.  I must admit, my mindset going in to this was all over the place.  When I would try to stay focused on the task at hand, all I could think about was what I would physically look to these girls when I walked into the room.  I hadn't worked out in about 4 days now and automatically told myself I had gained 10 pounds over night so let me be sure to wear a baggy shirt but still look presentable.  My eating disorder was creeping up and telling my mind nothing but negative self talk in my appearance that my mind could barely prepare for my talk that was about to happen.  Then something happened, as soon as my therapist introduced me and it was my time to shine, every negative self judgement went away and folks, I probably had one of the best talks to date.  I was more authentic in this talk than I ever had been.  I even mentioned to them that in that very present moment I was implementing these stories in their heads that they were looking at me in disgust.  That they were thinking I was too fat to be a former collegiate athlete, that I had "let myself go", that I just don't look good enough, and it was real.  It was just something about that talk that I had a really, really good feeling about.  I even said something I surprised my own damn self with, something along the lines of, "Strong isn't about a bicep curl or a chest press. Strong is about accepting and respecting yourself and living a life dedicated to that. Strong isn't about tricep definition, it's about defining yourself in how you can live out the best YOU possible while bettering others around you." *mic drop*  I just didn't think I would ever say anything like that, and much less believe it.  I always thought strength came in the form of appearance and I had to LOOK strong at all times.  Going back to fueling my body and my brain, I can now start to believe that strength isn't about how tone you look, but being your most authentic, real, unmasked self and being OK with it.  Being strong is respecting yourself and accepting the person you are, accepting your reflection and all the flaws that come along with it.  Again, if I don't take care of myself and if I don't keep pounding through recovery, none of these experiences would be possible.

UNCC Women's Volleyball Team - Good luck, ladies!

So, turning an NFL team's tag line into two words that mean more than just tackling the opponent or winning the Big Game, but to life's battles that hit you harder than Luke Kuechly or Thomas Davis and how you can power through them to come out on top.  Ask yourself what does #keeppounding mean to you?  What can you overcome this year, tomorrow, today, the next hour to get you closer to the person you see yourself becoming in the future?  So folks, keep pounding, keep fighting, keep dancing, keep laughing, keep loving, and most importantly, keep your head held high and know that you WILL come out on the other side.

we've got this,
TLC

GO PANTHERS!

Annnnd, I'm back: The Snowball Effect

Yesterday morning got to see this girl after a 9 month hiatus!  So naturally this had to happen
xoxo

Man, been awhile huh? I'm back and ready to get to blogging again more frequently! Took some time off from writing during the holidays to focus on recovery and to keep my mindset in the right place.  To be perfectly honest, I have edited this post more than I ever have and practically just re-wrote the whole thing.this morning and I asked myself, what part of me was kept unsatisfied? What part of me kept deleting everything?  What part just wanted to keep starting over?  It's the part of me that judges everything I do, that if it's not perfect then it won't be good enough, that ya'll won't like it, that everyone will think I'm crazy and not making any sense.  I had so much going on in my head that my thoughts were coming out quicker than I could type and when I would re-read a paragraph it would sound like a bottle of wine was writing and not ME.  It all comes back to my core fear of rejection, fear of failing, and fear of being unacceptable to society.  Now, let's just pause right there for a second because something pretty awesome just happened.  The fact I can now pin-point where all of the back and forth, questioning every sentence I type, is coming from is a HUGE step in recovery.  This time last year I couldn't begin to tell you where all of these negative self judgements were coming from, all I knew is that I believed them.  I had no self-awareness nor had the motivation to find any.  On this Wednesday morning, for me to confidently sit here and say, because I have a fear of rejection, failure, and acceptance, I have a hard time accepting less than "perfect" work from myself.  Dare I say I am about to give myself a positive affirmation and say, Tracey, THAT.IS. AMAZING.  I am slowly but surely learning how to trust myself and allow myself to feel the uncomfortable feelings/thoughts/emotions and to speak up when I am struggling because I have always drilled in my mind that showing struggle=failure, showing weakness=failure, showing my true self=rejection, failure, nonacceptance.  I have always been in such competition with myself to do and to be this fictional character of no mistakes but as I learn more and more throughout this process, I just need to continue to let that competition SIMMER DOWN, and acknowledge that this life right in front of me is a pretty cool one.

So, hereeeeeee it goes.  I want to take you through a little glimpse of what I am HEAVILY working on right now.  Something that I have realized is one of the main features of this mental illness.  Again, more self-awareness on my part as led me to pick up on things that continuously drag me down.  I give you, "The Snowball Effect of Our Minds."  Eating disorders are called a mental illness for a reason and a major reason being the mind games that we play with ourselves.  First off, me getting through my first holiday season while in recovery was huge.  I survived, let's just say that.  I saw family, family friends, friends I really only see this one time a year and dealt with the reoccurring questions of "so what are you up to now? do you still workout? how often do you still work out? (my entire family and family friends know I've always continued to "heavily" workout after college so they do not just randomly ask me that, FYI) you have ANOTHER job? every year you seem to always have a different job, but, you look great! you look happy!" all surrounded by food, snacks, a meal, drinks, etc. Stick me in a room that has about 10 people just scratching their nails on a chalkboard, that would probably sound better than what I had to keep hearing and saying back, making myself feel worthless and "unaccomplished." (the beginning of the snowball effect) I would just politely say I am in a transitional time and took some time off this summer, I'm still working but more on a part-time level in a few different areas, have some ideas that I plan to do this year, yes I still workout (snowball effect: omg, does it not look like I do?  do I look fat? do I look bigger than I did last year? do I not look good enough to be here? do my parents think I look fat? are my clothes too tight? W.T.F) and the subject would change. *as I am wiping sweat off my forehead* Thankfully, during these encounters, I had my family with me, a strong support system, and knew they wouldn't let anything get too far.

While support can help in so many ways, it can only help so much when the harsh thoughts override all good. If you're reading this and the holiday season/New Year resulted in a slip, well, you slipped. Did you survive and still here reading this today? Yes. And guess what, *deep breath*, I am laying my heart out on the line here and admitting, yes, I slipped as well. However, I am still here today to actually type this and still give myself and others the motivation to move on from it and not let that slip be an excuse to continue down the road I never want to drive down again. I'm human, we are all human, things will happen that are out of our control and sometimes silence and old coping habits are the only options that seem right and will do the trick.  It is the one thing we KNOW for a fact that will get rid of all the uncomfortable feelings of anxiety and negativity and leave us feeling hollow.  Remember, this is an every day process and we have 86, 400 seconds a day to decide how we will live and stay afloat from this brand new chance at life. Don't let one bad moment keep you from the 86,399 moments left to make a change. LET. IT. GO. as I have learned to do from my hiccup.  And speaking of the next moment, how about a full new YEAR right ahead of us. For those who follow me on social media, you saw this post a few days ago, but wanted to share to ya'll what a New Year means to me:


"This hit me this morning as the holiday season has finally come to an end and a whole new clean slate is right infront of us. I don't think of a new year as new resolutions but as another chance to write your own story on how YOU want it to go. As hard as it is to steer away from your comfort zone, that is how I want my story to go in 2016. The past 8 years and even before I stayed in my comfort zone and it landed me here, a fresh start to finally start doing the things I kept telling myself Id never be good enough to do. Last year I obviously learned a lot about myself and now things are slowly starting to become clear. I can say I'm starting to believe more in "everything happens for a reason" as I'm finally maybe starting to find out what that reason is. Make your '16 story a good one." - and then quote below

I read that quote and sat in silence for a second and thought to myself, "make myself proud". PROUD. That was just such a powerful statement to hear. Can you say you have made yourself proud? I have never really asked myself that question and when I do, my twisted mind screams...NO...but deep down in my self awareness, I know I have. Proud is one of those uncomfortable feelings of actually giving yourself a positive affirmation without feeling conceded. STOP. STOP. Right. There. Easy there bucko.  To give yourself a compliment means you're conceded or at least feel conceded?!  Yes, so sue me.  Again, I am working on it. :)

Having an eating disorder, or any mental illness, it thrives off the negatives, I mean THRIVES. You see one thing wrong with yourself, your body, it takes it and runs with it like a bat out of hell. Let's take a deeper look in to the Snowball Effect we have with ourselves.  Example:  You say to yourself "hmmm, I just don't know if I like this outfit on me? I mean, I think I look pretty, but then again, think I can look better?" Your E.D. hears an alarm go off in your head (picture Batman being signaled in the sky) and immediately rushes to those negative thoughts and gives them the validity it needs to tell your brain that what you're seeing is true.  "You don't look pretty, you are just full of yourself.  Of course that outfit doesn't look good on you. look at you. Look at your hips, your love handles, your bulge, your arms and legs look huge, double chin, your face?!" I mean, just depicts every little thing that it could find to bring truth to the matter. Now on the other hand, lets say you say SCREW YOU to those thoughts and keep the outfit on because damnit you refuse to let your E.D. constantly win. So let's say you then go out on a date with a guy/girl in this outfit and all goes well in your mind until that one date becomes the beginning and end of that "relationship." You feel let down, left with a WTF happened in your mind, thinking everything went fine and dandy but then again, it was just A date not a marriage proposal. Soooooo, what, you put yourself out there, you go on a date, just a fun night out. Right? Well, as you're sitting there saying, "Did I say too much? Am IIII too much? Did I look okay? Maybe just wasn't meant to be..." just about to somewhat shrug it off and move on, the E.D. hears "the alarm" go off and rushes to your mind to personalize the hell out of those thoughts and turns them in to, "told you the outfit looked awful on you, always trust what I say, you're not good enough for a guy/girl like that, you won't be good enough for any one, you aren't pretty enough, you need to workout more, you're too fat, all the way down to the core root of you.are.not.enough. you were rejected." Now, coming back to the present moment right now, ummmm, what just happened?  ha yeaaaaaa about that.  One helluva snowball huh?  It isn't just a "flip of the hair" I'm over it, moving on. It digs deep, and I mean deeeeep in to your soul to try and bring truth to every negative thing you think about yourself. Obviously not just dates, but everything. 

Another example, work. Say you are an event planner and the feedback you got on an event was, "it was okay, everything was fine, it was nice," the client was completely content, but, the perfectionist you are, you were wanting the "OMG PERFECT, exquisite, could not have gone better," type compliments, and take a guess what happens next. You start thinking to yourself, "hm, okay, well, that's that, next event....wait a tic...it was just okay? everything was just...fine?" In the words of Beyonce, ring the alarm!! The little beast comes finding those thoughts and digs deeper. "hell no it wasn't perfect, nothing you ever do is perfect, you could be doing so much better at your job, maybe you're just not good enough at this job, are YOU even good enough? do you even work hard? WORK. HARDER. and workOUT harder while you're at it."  I'll be right back. Going to read the definition of confidence and tattoo it on my forehead really quick.  We give ourselves no grace, ever.  One of the most triggering scenarios in my opinion, especially for eating disorders, (and for those who I was in treatment with, I'm sure ill get an AMEN for this one), may come as a shock is... "You look healthy." or "You look better, you look happy" Oh boy. Prepare for mass destruction. It's sad a friendly compliment is one of the most triggering phrases we could hear. It sucks, completely sucks because heaven forbid someone say you look healthy? BUT, in our minds, the whole snowball effect comes to in to play and it immediately tells us that we either look like we have indeed gained weight from previous times or could it be that we are accccctually taking care of ourselves now and it is still just so uncomfortable to live with.  We ultimately want to go back to our comfort zones of being in our eating disorders because we would not have to deal with these unwanted thoughts coming from outside sources.  Do I actually want to look healthy?  Do I really want to look better?  Does this mean I am actually losing mt best friend (the disorder) and starting to learn how to live without it? 

When someone has said "You look healthy now" to me since being home from Denver, yes, I immediately think to myself I look like I have gained weight because in my mind, I want to hear "you look skinny now." (to put it bluntly we "think" healthy=fat, there I said it) You feel violated because you think that people ARE scrutinizing your body and making truth to the fact that maybe people really do look at your body when they see you, all you are is your body and hollow inside. Obviously, that is not true and people are just trying to offer support but again, your mind will tell you what to believe. So, even though it sounds contradictory to admit "you look good, better, healthy" to someone who is battling an eating disorder, just blow past it. It's already hard enough to try and live with a new body, the one that God intended us to have, but to hear validity that there is a visible difference in the way we look (good or bad) just doesn't help.  Sorry :(.

Okay, think ya'll get the picture and I mean I could compare the snowball effect to any type of life scenario but it feels good to get that out and bring light to what goes on in our wondering mind.  A lot of it does come back to appearance but it's not JUST about appearance and we know that.  It just means we are covering up something deeper inside of us that we don't want to show to the world. We cover it up with body image, food, exercise, anything to distract the public eye from seeing beyond the "mask" we put up in every day life.

Of course it's hard as hell to train your mind into thinking in a whole knew way but it's the thrill of the chase and excitement of what CAN be if you keep to your values and stay strong through the process.  You are you for a reason, you were created for a reason.  We are seriously our own worst critic and judge ourselves way too harshly and sometimes even feeling like a mistake.  It's about believing in yourself that this life battle you were given is the one that was meant for you to win. You were dealt these cards and there is nothing you can do about it other than how you react to them. This "hand" is taking you on this obstacle because YOU ARE smart enough to get through it, you are strong enough to handle it, to come out on the other side, and to know exactly what defeat and victory feels like.  When rock bottom hit, I was strong enough not to stay there.  I used the hand I was dealt and still dealing with to get me up after falling.  This deck of cards was given to me for a reason and maybe that reason is this very blog. It could be to show my internal strength that I have never had the confidence to show, to believe, to trust. I could have given up and said screw treatment, screw trying to live a better life, this is my life and I will live in sorrow until the day I die. I don't think that is why I was put on this earth. I wasn't put here to just mope around, feeling sorry for myself that "shoot, I have an eating disorder, guess that is why God made me, just to be another person with one." NO, it's time to start believing in maybe WHY I let myself have one, why I let myself have it for so many years, and why I finally let it out of hiding. It is time for me to start finding out my WHY. (thank you to an awesome friend who put that saying in my head) Wouldn't it be great to be told exactly WHY you were created? Yea. Sure. But isn't more fun to find out for yourself? To breathe in life's mysteries that are only made for you to solve? I don't know if it's just the athlete in me that finds that to be so competitively awesome (does that make sense? ha) but in this very moment I just want to stand on top of a mountain and yell, "HELL YEA LIFE, Bring. It. On."


What is YOUR why?

After reading novel #15, LOVE YA'LL,
TLC