This may be one of the most raw and vulnerable post I have posted besides 5 years ago when I finally posted about my struggle with mental illness and an eating disorder. This is a very personal post and one I did feel shame towards, self judgement, scared of 'your' judgement. I took deep breaths and just started typing. This has been something I have been wanting to get off my chest and took it has a sign that maybe it is time since it is Mental Illness Awareness Week. This is another piece that hopefully will help those not feel alone during this continous time of uncertainty. So, here we go.
I am currently hooked up to an IV for an iron infusion at a cancer institute in Charlotte, NC. Why did I have to state where I was? To bring more awareness of how serious mental/eating disorders can be. This is my second time having to go through this. I had two rounds last September and I am unfortunately back this October for 5 rounds of iron infusions. Yes, I am severely anemic which can happen to anyone. Mine has been both: a person that has anemia and also malnutrition for years upon years of dealing with an eating disorder. Going back to the beginning 2019, I had to get my blood drawn 12 times in the span of 2 months due to my vitals be severely low. I was even told by a nurse over the phone that if it gets any lower, we may have to look at a blood transfusion. Iron pills were not working. So, having a nurse tell me that, why didn't that scare me? Why didn't that wake me up and realize how serious this was getting? My E.D. was basically breaking down my organs now more than ever to the possibility of everything shutting down. The eating disorder part of my mind heard, 'yes, we are winning, let's keep going to see how far we can get.' My logical mind was like WTF Tracey. What are you doing to yourself?! Why was your first thoughts happy ones? Again, the eating disorder was back in control and we thrive off of knowing that. Very, very, sad. What is also very sad, I didn't want to get the infusions, I wanted to see how low they could get before I had to go to the hospital. Maybe then people will see I am really struggling and in-turn, that gives me the external validation that I am not invisible. I am cared about. Why does it take something that is literally breaking down your insides something we want attention for? Friends, family, whoever is reading this, I know, it sucks, because logically I know that is not the case. Not to mention the numerous phone calls with my family and especially with my mom. I cannot even fathom what it would be like hearing your daughter saying the things about herself that I say to her. Your subconscious mind loves to win. Thinking back on some of the most scary things a doctor can tell you, in 2015 I was told with the amount of stress and pressure I continue to put on my heart with my E.D. behaviors, I could possible have a heart attack. Only a few people in this world have known that but, here I am going deep. That statement is what put me in treatment the first time around.
I did end up getting the 2 rounds of infusions because when I was in treatment last year, and I will be forever grateful for my dietitian who made me get my blood checked in the first place, I did not realize how important iron was in your body. "Iron is a mineral that the body needs for growth and development. Your body uses iron to make hemoglobin, a protein in red blood cells that carries oxygen from the lungs to all parts of the body, and myoglobin, a protein that provides oxygen to muscles. Your body also needs iron to make some hormones." With the amount of stress I have put on my heart and organs to try to continue to produce oxygen with little to no red blood cells for years, my doctor(s) looked at me and said they were shocked I have been able to function in everyday life for this long. Without iron, this situation could get to the worst of it all, not being here. For years I've dealt with random leg bruises, always feeling tired, no matter how much sleep or energy I would have, under my eyes stayed purple, I was always a little foggy headed and some days I could barely focus in a conversation and form sentences. My hands and feet ALWAYS cold. If you've been around me, ice. Chewing ice gave me so much relief. I would get so much anxiety if I could not get a cup of ice wherever I was. I would have to stop at gas stations while driving just to get a cup of ice. If I ran out of ice from my freezer, I would FREAK. I have ALWAYS thought it was my eating disorder. I never thought about the actual lack of nutrients in my body that affects the entire functionality of everything. I would rather try and look a certain way than focus my attention on that and just let my depression and anxiety take over. I was not knowledgeable enough on iron to realize that those were symtoms for anemia. Once I received the infusions, I did start to feel better, my energy was increasing, I was more clear headed, and was basically like OHHH wow, this is what life is like. I did still have in the back of my mind, is my eating disorder going to go away now? Do I have the possibility of gaining weight because of IRON?!?! Again, sad.
Well, unfortunately it was more of a band aid of iron and I did not keep up with increasing the amount of iron and other nutrients after I was done. Here I was, beginning of 2020, back to feeling the dizziness, permenant bags under my eyes, bruises appearing on my legs, foggy headed, and extreme tiredness. What the hell was I doing to myself again? My eating disorder was back to winning. It doesn't want to go away yet. So, what did that lead to? LOW numbers when I had to get numerous blood work done required by my doctor the past few months. I got the call again that I need to have iron infusions. This time, not just 2 rounds, but FIVE. It is a different type of iron I am having this time. Why can't I just eat more foods with iron and other nutrients? That is like asking why is the sky blue. Why am I so scared to hear the words, EAT MORE, and that makes me not want to get more iron. I am sick and tired of having an infusion be a band aid. I keep having to tell myself, Tracey - this is not normal. People do not just go get infusions. THIS IS SERIOUS SO TAKE IT SERIOUSLY, your life could depend on it. I have already heard the words 'You could have died' earlier this year when I had to undergo a traumatic, emergency surgery in my abdominal area (nothing to do with my ED but one of the scariest moments of my life. Everything went very smooth and have a scar that reminds me I have a lot of life to live). Am I seriously hearing it again, but this is something I have control over, to eat.
I believe I have woken up this time around and realizing, I cannot spend my life going through this. Sitting here, yet again, dealing with this. I have another 3 rounds and I have got to continue to eat more so I am not back here for the third year in a row.
I mentioned where I was earlier because hearing that I am in a cancer institute, I hope that wakes up society in how serious mental illness and eating disorders can be. They deserve more attention because I stay teary eyed every time I am hear knowing I am beside someone who is dealing with cancer. I can't fathom or believe this is where I am and on the same floor of some of the strongest people alive fighting a battle everyday. But again, here is also someone who battles extreme depression, anxiety, and eating disorder right beside them. Both cases are serious. Scary part? No one would know without me sharing that I am going through this. You can't see mental health by looking at someone.
so, again, I cannot believe I am sharing this as I went way deeper than I thought. I hope I don't regret this. I hope the fear of rejection, judgement, paranoia of posting this does not make me take this down. Will a guy read this and think 'oh dear God this girl has some baggage to bring to the table,' and end up alone. But damn Trace. I need to give myself some grace and compassion for doing this. For continuing to put my struggle out there for whoever to read. Never did I EVER see this coming in how much I want to create awareness but also do not want my identity to just be someone who deals with mental illness. I am more than that. I hope this helps those who struggle and also an educational piece. It's the harsh reality but I am motivated that this will be the last time, that this will be enough to silience the demon. That this will not be a band aid.
