Well HELLO!!...after a 6 month hiatus....
A dear, dear, dear friend sent this TEDx video to me this morning and thought maybe I would appreciate hearing this one. (scroll down for link to video) I have never had the patience nor attention span to sit and listen to a talk on my computer that is ha, more than 30 seconds? But, as soon as Dagney Knutson started talking about her experience of being a former Professional Athlete, I was hooked for the entire 11 minutes. How she describes her experience as an athlete and finding her identity outside of her chosen sport, I have never heard something so identical to what I have been struggling with for the past 9 years...and what I have grown to learn, much longer than that. Unfortunately, one of her coping mechanisms is one I have recently admitted to battling from, an eating disorder that took over her/my life. I am not saying I was ever on the same platform as a Professional Athlete but this mental disorder comes in all forms, shapes, and sizes and it means something different for everyone. Playing basketball throughout my entire life and lucky enough to play on the collegiate level (shout out to my GC ladies that I miss so much), that is how I identified myself for so long. I did not know who I was off the court and what self-worth and values even meant. She says it best in this talk:
"A poor performance in an athlete’s mind might mean “I’m a failure”, noticed I said “I’m a failure and not my performance was a failure.”
I work my butt off every single second of every single day to stay on an uphill battle of recovery, knowing there is no really "end" date. Do I stay 100% on my meal plan? No. Do I still have slips, reverting back to eating disorder behaviors to help cope with uncomfortable feelings? Yes. Do I still have depression, anxiety, body shame? Yes. BUT, what is good about admitting this NOW is, I have found that inner strength that I never thought I had to not let myself STAY down. I have slips, I have those days I stay in bed all day, I have those days where sweat is my only priority. Do I let them overshadow all the hard ass work I have done and continue to do in the past year? NO. Do I give up and let the relapse take over? NO. Do you just wake up one day, come out of a treatment center, take a pill and suddenly be recovered from a mental disorder? HELL NO. To say that my inner strength has indeed led me back to recovery after these times and not stay on the easy path of just giving up and going back to the comfort of ED is something I NEVER, EVER, EVER thought was possible. I am learning that there IS grey in a black and white world. My brain was wired to think otherwise. Every second that I stay in recovery, I know I am one second closer in to trusting, knowing, understanding, and loving my identity as Tracey, off the court and outside of being an athlete.
"I find it more important to work for significance, not just top performance."
*copy and past link*
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VU73KOoO5h0
Contrary to the message above....Hot damn I miss basketball!!!
Positive vibes,
TLC
